Is there such a thing as subconcious self-destructive behavior? Specifically subconcious behaviour that might sabotage something you really like to do or enjoy? Like speaking awkwardly when in being evaluted for a promotion? Or forgetting the coffee and donuts when its your turn to bring them to the Sunday morning touch football game? Or making an innapropriate out-of-character joke on Twitter?
Is there a real syndrome where people tear down or diminish things that they have worked hard to build without realizing that they are doing so? And if so, are there reasons why people do it? And are there activites or excercises to minimize these types of behaviors?
I don’t know the answer to the question but I have a friend who over and over engages in extreme behavior to avoid some occurrence and winds up bringing about exactly what he is trying to avoid. I have seen him do it again and again. His latest problem is this: can he have the status of having a common-law wife (technically “equivalent to married”) under Quebec law but be considered under California law. (There are complicated reasons for this having to do with US social security and local inheritance laws that say that capital gains tax do not become payable when you die and leave property to a spouse, but are otherwise). If I were in that position, I would simply tell SS that I am not married and let my SO make the equivalent-to-married claim when he predeceases her, if he does (he is 80, she 73). Instead he will pay a fortune in lawyers fees to stir up the shit and probably get the answer no. Which he will then be bound to admit.
FWIW, they are equivalent-to-married. He does have a separate apartment, but he hasn’t slept there in years and visits once every week or two. At this point, it has become storage.
There is a behavior I’ve seen, which I’ve heard called “forced outcomes”. That’s when a person forces a situation to crash and burn solely because they want it to be resolved. Typically that’s a person who feels a lot of anxiety over how a situation is going to turn out; rather than being able to bear waiting it out, they force the outcome by sabotaging it.
It discusses how certain traumas and childhood traumas can cause you to constantly repeat that behavior. This article says the same thing.
Why do I know this? Long story.
I don’t know if this is related to what you are talking about though. This is more about repeating deep seated traumas (ie if you have a trauma of abandonment, you may seek out situations where you feel or are abandoned repeatedly). You are referring more to a situation of sabotaging success, which is related but not totaly the same thing.
Either way, the book and article could be good to read. One of the things they recommend in the book is (at least in romantic situation) to rate how attracted you are to someone. They say if the other person, on a 1-10 scale creates a feeling of chemistry of 9 or 10 then to stay away and to focus on the 6s, 7s and 8s instead, even though they feel more boring. According to them the ones that create intense chemistry do so because they are bringing up past traumas (abandonment, sabotage, rejection, etc) and it is best to avoid them.
So according to the authors who have worked on the issue of subconscious self destructive tendencies, people can feel strong urges to engage in self destructive behavior and they have to be on the lookout for them.
Uh-huh. Sounds like great advice: avoid the people you’re most attracted to.
I use a similar principle when buying books. If it gets 4 or 5 stars on Amazon I stay away (fearing it’s some sort of popular nonsense) and focus on the 3s, even though they may be dry, serious works.
Sorry the advice of professional psychologists who have worked with thousands of people with these problems doesn’t fit your beliefs. You should write them and let them know, I’m sure they’d be happy to hear your well thought out retort.
I think it would take me a long while to psychologically evaluate and explain why my ex-wife destroyed everything around her.
Every relationship was sabotaged at some level, sometimes more blatantly than at other times. Her wealthy step father was “out to destroy her”. I, her husband, was constantly accused of the worst possible crimes, all of which were paranoid delusions. The bank was stealing her money, the credit card company was being mean to her.
She would unintentionally/intentionally step into danger. You could see it in her head. She’d be stopped, looking at the approaching threat and kinda slightly rocking back and forth as if she couldn’t make up her mind whether to jump in front of it.
We were in a greenhouse. An extremely pregnant woman came up the aisle pushing a cart loaded with stuff, perhaps over 200 pounds of potting soil. The ex did the shaking thing, then as the cart got right to her, jumped forward into the way of it. The pregnant woman, with great effort, stopped the cart, but appeared to injure herself in the process. My ex broke down crying and screaming about how she had only been trying to get out of the way. As was pointed out by all parties, she was NOT IN THE WAY until she jumped in front of the cart. After that, it was all boo-hoo about how everyone was being mean to her.
In the end, my ex-wife was all about self-identifying as a victim. She was paranoid and delusional, and everyone was out to get her. So all these events, including the deliberate destruction of important papers, was about creating situations in which she could BE the victim, could have some reason to feel victimized, and could seek the sympathy of others. During and after our divorce, I called her a Sympathy Vampire, because it seemed like her entire life and personality was warped around the idea of receiving the sympathy of others.