In many cases, a film title gives you little idea what to expect…
Total Recall - A serious defect has been found in our product, there is only one solution. Happy Feet - Fred Estaire biopic. City of God - Life in Vatican City. Goodfellas - Steve Martin and Billy Crystal buddy movie.
**The Seventh Seal **- …of a seventh seal. Cuteness squared. For a Few Dollars More - Telemarketing drama. North by Northwest - John Candy leads a troop of scouts on a hike in Oregon. Finding Nemo - Jack Ryan must track down the famous pirate captain before the Soviets. Moon - Sure I don’t need to spell this one out.
**The Wizard of Oz **- a stage magician tours Australia.
**Star Wars **- an epic battle between movie studios. The Hustler - a porn movie. Babe - another porn movie. Close Encounters of the Third Kind - the last in a trilogy of porn movies. Kramer vs Kramer - a schizophrenic movie-length Seinfeld episode.
The Hustler: A wrenching biography of a disco dancer. To Kill a Mockingbird: Shaddup goddammit, I’m trying to get some sleep. Full Metal Jacket: Designers make a trench-coat from aluminum foil. Old Yeller: A day in the life of Pat Buchanan.
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo - A five-year-old receives the skin of a Yakuza syndicate leader as a Christmas Gift. YouTube link; pertinent portion begins at ~3 min. mark
Mars Attacks - You’ll never see candy bars the same again.
Pulp Fiction - The REAL story behind the paper industry.
The Gods Must Be Crazy - Documentary which asks the question: Did God tell Herman Cain to run for President just to humiliate him?
Milk - Errol Morris lovingly traces the production of a bottle of milk. To Kill a Mockingbird - a gang of young thugs plot to kill a particular type of bird. Das Boot - a man has to argue with his favorite shoemaker about the quality of the left boot of the pair he has recently bought. Groundhog Day - a couple hope to rekindle their failing marriage by having the meal they had the night they met - roast groundhog. And today’s the day. The Sixth Sense - a boy has trouble with his vision but his sixth sense helps him get by. The Elephant Man - Errol Morris again. He transcends an otherwise boring collection of elephant bric-a-brac.
Alien: Uplifting story of Mexican national, Jose Mendez, and his experiences buying a house in a Dallas suburb. Winner of several Golden Globes and Oscar nominated for best foreign film.
Aliens: Comedy about Jose’s family coming from Mexico to live with him. First Hollywood production in the franchise. Mixed reviews.
Alien 3: Jose’s wife gives birth to triplets, all three voiced by Bruce Willis. Universally panned by critics. Sells more tickets at the box office than both of the previous films combined.
Alien vs Predator: “Riotous” comedy in which Jose engages in a slapstick battle with a talking Coyote, voiced by Chris Tucker, who wants to steal the Mendez’s family’s taco recipe. Fuck you Hollywood! Just fuck you!
Best Picture Winners, all redone by literalists:
Slumdog Millionaire - Labrador retriever living in poor area finds bag containing $1,000,000.
Schindler’s List - Schinder goes to Macy’s for a long shopping trip.
West Side Story - Builders construct a ranch on 11th Avenue in Manhattan.
Gone With The Wind - Scarlett loses many possessions in a hurricane.
How Green Was My Valley - Area signs up for lawn treatment, which works well.
Midnight Cowboy - Joe waits until the stroke of 12:00 to put on his hat and head out to the range.
The French Connection - A couple changes planes at Charles de Gaulle Airport.
The Sting - Man encounters bee.
Dances With Wolves - Canus lupus does the tango and macarena.
The English Patient - Man checks into London hospital.
The King’s Speech - Charles II gets up and bores his subjects for 2 hours.