You lazy bastard. How far is it exactly to your local cemetary?
That’s where free flowers come from…
Andy: The dead have ways of protecting their foliage.
Ya know how sometimes you get a salad with rusty lettuce? All brown and disgusting and resembling…
an old corpse?
Do ya, ya fuck-juice-sucking flower thief?
(And if you steal Communion wafers to use as vehicles for LSD6 in a Satinic ritual (Nerds of the Black Cloth: NBC), the next box of Tollhouse Cookies you buy will be Death Cookies. The only cure involves feeding sacred goats Nutella and clotted cream, among other semi-evil foodstuffs.)
(He screamed “I got the fear!” and ran out, sticking his head in a dumpster.)
All the vegetables growing in my garden are untouched so I’m sure it wasn’t a deer or rabbit because I assume a deer or rabbit would go for vegetables over flowers. I’m kind of worried that these flower thieves are going to come back when our tomatoes are ripe and start stealing them too!! I wouldn’t mind booby trapping the garden but I’m afraid one of our kids would be on the receiving end of the pain if we did and I don’t want that.
I’m putting the finishing touches on my Letter to the Editor. Since our town paper only comes out once a week it probably won’t be printed until next week. I may post it on the board later for y’all to critique. I’m kind of having second thoughts about sending a letter because then everyone in town will have my address and they’ll all know where to come for flowers next year. It may even give someone the idea to come steal out of our vegetable garden. I’m torn on what to do now!!
In your letter, you could end with ‘address withheld for fear of encouraging further thefts,’ or something similar, but include your address elsewhere for the editor’s purposes.
While I have nothing whatsoever to add to the topic, I’d like to nominate “fuck juice flower” for Feminine Genitalia Euphemism of the Year.