Suicide by tree, slowly

My potted Ficus benjamina is driving me nuts. It only cost me 75 cents on sale at Lowe’s a few years ago, and it is not worth the angst.

It had a wonderful summer outdoors in '08 and put on quite a bit of growth, so much so that I had to cut it back to about 3 feet and move it to a different spot in my office so as not to bring the physical plant Nazis down on me for violating sprinkler clearance regulations.

It still gets adequate fluorescent light, just not quite as much as it did in its previous spot and obviously less than it did outdoors. It is in a snit about this, and has been accentuating its sulk by dropping leaves for the past six months. On the order of 1-2 or more a day. Now, it’s normal for plants to lose some leaves in the transition to indoor living. It is not normal for this to continue ad nauseaum for months on end. I will be engrossed in work and then hear the soft rustly sound of yet another leaf falling. Bizarrely, even with what has to be more than 250 leaves lost and an impressive degree of self-mulching, this &(# tree still looks nice and full. Apparently it is inventing lost leaves that it never had in the first place. It just wants to punish me for not pampering it to the fullest, by this incessant soft susurrus of leaf drop. (crunch)

Stupid tree! It will be a couple of months before I can put you oudoors again. Keep up this passive-aggressive slow suicide, (rustle) and I may lose it before then and stuff you bodily into the garbage can, and you can explore the joys of life in the dumpster.

Actually, it IS normal for an F. benjamina to sulk for months if moved to a new location, dropping leaves like chlorophyllated sighs. They’re the drama queens of house plantdom. If they had hair, it would be dyed black and droop into their little floral eyes.

Don’t know about your ficus (had one, but somehow managed to kill it), but I have two tree type plants that I got many years ago. Every year, they’ve gone out on the front porch when the temp gets warm, and have stayed inside during the winter months. This year was the first year in the new house and every single plant I own has been wonderfully happy, except the two tree things. Their leave have been dropping left and right. They obviously hate the new house and are ready for summer.

At this point, I’m ready to haul them outside and let them suffer in the 20 degree temperatures. (Even though I know it would probably kill them.) Besides, they’ve gotten so damn tall, it’s like living in a forest or something (a forest of bare tree things). I’m trying not to to act on my passive-aggressive thoughts, but every time I see a leaf on my livingroom floor, I’m so tempted…

Y’know, I completely misread the thread title. I had this bizarre mental picture of someone putting a noose around their neck and then knotting the other end to the branch of a sapling and waiting for it to grow a few feet…

That would be some serious dedication to despair.