I don’t know what happened, exactly…possibly a combination of having lunch with my kid’s trans-kids group leader and reading a few buzzfeed articles that left me saying, “God! What gorgeous kids!”. Or maybe going to massage school is changing me in ways more fundamental than increasing my vocabulary about muscles. Or I turned 50. Or…who knows.
Anyway. I’ve been kind of fumbling my way through all of this, not knowing how to handle it, wishing this was not a thing I have to worry about, kind of hoping, probably, that one day things will just suddenly get easier.
Until the other night, as I was talking to my old boxer (literally, yes, he’s a good listener), and found myself saying, “I was given this kid for a reason, wasn’t I? I don’t know why, or what either of us is going to get out of it, but I think I was this kid is mine for a reason.” And that thought settled me and brought me full circle to where I started out with my beautiful baby girl: amazed at this gift, and determined to honor it.
And then things suddenly got easier.
I’ve decided to try to remember what it’s like when I knit socks: I have to trust the pattern, even when I don’t understand it. If I trust it, and I keep knitting along even when I’m confused or feel lost, eventually magic happens, and I have a sock.
Things are going to happen that I’m not prepared for, that I don’t understand, that I have a hard time handling. I’m so grateful to have met the many people here who unhesitatingly wrote me and offered to listen and guide me. I’m so going to be leaning on some of you at some point, I’m sure. But in the meantime, I’m going to just trust the pattern and keep on knitting, one stitch at a time.
Also in the meantime, I need advice on binders. No idea where to start on that one.
^Ditto that.
And as a sock knitter I love love love your analogy. I wish you good luck on your adventure and I don’t really think you need it; you’re doing great.
When I wanted to learn to knit socks, the lady at the yarn store gave me this advice when I kept saying, “But I don’t understand this pattern! What the hell is a gusset? How does a short row make a heel?”. She said, “You won’t understand what you’re doing or how it all works sometimes. But just trust the pattern, and in the end, it’ll be like magic! And you’ll have a sock!”
I thought about that for a second, and said, “You know…if this works, it’s going to change my life.”
Without batting an eye or missing a beat, she said, “Oh yes, it really is going to change your life.” And you know…it did!
It’s one of my favorite learning experiences and I try to remember to keep that level of trust in other areas of my life.
Thank you to everyone. I’m so so glad to have found people who understand and support me in supporting my kid. It’s tough sometimes. Their dad has finally come around to accepting the name change; I don’t know if he will progress past that, but at least he made that one huge step.
Beyond that, I don’t know how I’m going to handle everything that is coming up…show choir may be an issue next year, and I don’t know how I feel about the idea of “presenting as masculine”…so many concerns come into play. One step at a time, and we’ll see where we end up.
We are all on a journey, and it’s honor to be a part of it.
I think Ace bandages are inadvisable. There are sites online for buying binders, but I’m pretty clueless about it. Right now we are making do with slightly-small sports bra.
Nononono don’t use ACE bandages! Bad things happen!
Ace bandages are compression bandages, which means they’re designed to squish you - so when you put it on a limb or around somewhere bony, no big deal. Around the torso, whenever you exhale, you shrink a bit as the air goes out of your lungs and your chest/stomach deflates. The bandage shrinks with the shrinking you. But then you inhale again, but the bandage doesn’t stretch back out.
For a VERY short period of time, this can be ok. For anything longer than about 15-20 minutes? Very bad form. Please don’t hurt yourself.
There are also lots of non-binding tricks to make your silhouette look more masculine or more feminine by using clothing cuts and designs to draw attention to specific places and to make different body parts/areas look either more prominent or more minimal.
It’s not a normal childhood to be told constantly by word, deed and omission that being the way you are is wrong, wrong, wrong.
I didn’t have gender issues but I had a mother who only forgave me for being me when I was already in my 40s (specifically, when she realized I was making more money than my brothers). Realizing that my childhood was not normal and that my mother is wronginnahead was a relief in several ways, among them that it means most people’s childhoods aren’t that shitty.
I am hoping that someday soon no one will feel limited by their assigned “gender roles.” I hated growing up as “a girl” not because I didn’t feel like a girl, but I didn’t want to do the things they wanted “girls” to do and didn’t want to behave “like a girl.” Boys suffer even more from “gender assignment” pressure than girls do. The younger generations seem to be revolting against these cultural pressures, and good for them.
Binding isn’t great for growing kids, sports bras and tight singlet under loose shirts is a better way to go. It is harder to pass in hot weather if well endowed unfortunately.
I never really mean to do it but usually pass as a bloke, I look absolutely ridiculous in a dress and always have. I think it is my walk as much as anything. Heavy work boots could help develop that.
Yep, I tell people I grew up wanting a yellow Tonka truck and an erector set and instead I got pink dresses and told to sit like a lady. Fortunately, I had parents who usually let me express my tomboy tendencies (although I never got my Tonka! :::pout::: ) and when I grew up I wound buying a full size bright red pick-up and now part of my job involves driving a forklift. All which was pretty mild compared to what the transgender folks go through.
Now I just have to deal with people who assume a woman who wears jeans, flannel, and workboots and plays with heavy machinery is a bull dyke. No, I’m married to a man, completely het, no bi tendencies whatsoever. What was that about gender roles and stereotypes?
Good on all the parents dealing with transgender kids in an accepting fashion.
Now I dont get this because I work with several women who dress like men and have short haircuts and all, and their are 2 girls on my sons hockey team like that, but they still are women to the core.
Sure. We aren’t looking at surgery or hormones or the like, and I’m not even sure that will ever become an issue. If the issue arises later, hopefully by then we’ll all have more experience with the situation and a better feel for how to proceed.
I’ve had people suggest that I go with this sort of weird authoritarian response: “Fine, but I’m bygod throwing out ALL the pretty clothes and dresses and makeup and you’re gonna dress like a BOY forever!” But that’s not the way I handle things, and I don’t think it would be conducive to my child working their way through this in a healthy fashion. It’s not a discipline issue. There is some exploration going on here. I’m also lining up a therapist who works with trans kids, and I continue to talk to other parents and do research myself.
Thank you, I couldn’t explain it properly! Yes, we won’t do bandages. **Thylacine ** addresses this downthread too, and I guess I’m looking for that happy medium. Right now, they aren’t really wanting to wear “boy” type clothing, but I think they’re looking for less curvy shape. At this point, anyway. Who knows what will evolve.
