Daughter has told me she identifies as a male, but does she really?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Our daughter is 14. At the beginning of the summer she informed us that she has “always” felt more like a male, she wants to be known by a male name, and wants to use male pronouns. Now she’s always been somewhat "tomboy"ish (definitely my “pal”), and a year or so ago told us she was bisexual, so it wasn’t really a complete surprise, but of course was unexpected. The hardest thing for me at least has been the male name/pronouns, which we told her we just can’t quite get around to using yet. She understood, and told us we handled it much better than she thought we would (we both come from very conservative backgrounds).

She said she had already discussed it with her friends.

Since then, though, over the summer, she (I will continue to use the female pronouns here for now, my apologies) has pretty much behaved the same as she always has - like a typical teenage, hetero girl. While she has some “androgynous” clothes like boy shorts and t shirts, she still has, likes, and wears more flattering female clothes. We even lightened up some for before-school clothes shopping and let her get outfits she wanted - and those ended up being a little more female “sexy” and revealing than we have allowed in the past - shorter shorts, more form fitting pants and tops, etc. She even asked if she could get a tennis skirt for tennis this year, and we agreed. (We note she specifically did NOT want a tennis skirt last season.)

Although she has never really worn makeup, she will do her nails with friends and she still shaves her legs daily.

She talks about cute boys, and was actually giggly when telling me about how this cute boy at school let her wear his jacket. She was all excited about the Olympics, with scantily-clad male divers and swimmers, etc.

So the whole summer she has been acting, at least to me, like a stereotypical hetero teenage girl. While we weren’t treating it as a “phase”, and I know that term can be offensive in this discussion, it really seemed like she was no longer interested in being a boy. Though, admittedly, we didn’t exactly come out and ask.

But then school started the other day, and she had brought home a binder with her chosen male name on it. It was a printed label, which means she had to have asked the teacher to change it. So now we’re not sure what to think, and obviously need to talk with her, but we pretty much have no idea how to do so. I mean, is she a trans-man who likes men but likes to dress like a girl? That’s very confusing to me.

If this is real and truly who she is, then we can learn to accept that. But if it is just teenage hormones combined with trying to be different and stand out, or just that she (like many people) has body image issues, well that takes a different approach. And if that’s the case, then she is advertising that she is something she’s not, with possible negative repercussions in society.

Over the summer, we did have her talk to a friend of ours who she knows well, who is a licensed therapist. That needs to continue, maybe with someone who specializes in this type of thing, but I’m looking just for some help and guidance from others who may have faced a similar situation.

Thanks for reading, I know it was long.

2

I’ve never met your kid, and you have. My impression from your post is that you know the answer is yes, he really does.

So yes, I guess he really does.

My advice to you is to decide whether you really have any questions about whether, and whether in fact you have any questions at all. If you do have actual questions, why on earth would you not ask them? If what you have is opinions, and not questions, it seems like it would be helpful to stop trying to express the former via the latter.

3

I think it would be really good for you to talk with a therapist about your feelings and questions. They can be very helpful in building acceptance and fostering relationships. You working with a therapist is one of those things that can’t hurt and is very likely to help.

Her school counselor would be able to suggest good therapists in your community.

4

I read down to this point and then my mind veered in a direction you apparently didn’t intend.

(I was trying to imagine a personalized binder, then the circumstances under which you’d immediately notice it having the male name on it, and finally becoming quite perplexed at the notion that the teacher had sewn the name label on…)

Under the circumstances, I don’t see a need to do anything. You’re not being asked to. (Other than perhaps asking you to use a specified name / pronoun). Coast. Leave room for things to go in whatever direction feels best. It’s the same advice I’d give your child. Don’t try to snap things into a permanent position as soon as possible.

5

You can be the gender you say you are without always conforming to the external standards of it. When he was a kid and you assumed he was female, did that change if he was wearing pants?

At this point, if all he’s asking is that people use his pronouns and name, what’s the harm in it? It’s only respectful to do. Sure, it takes some getting used to and you’ll probably slip from time to time, but make an attempt. It costs nothing and means a lot as an act of love and acceptance. And there’s no reason to choose not to do it other than intentional disrespect or dismissal. It’s not like it costs money or like it has to be permanent. If, next week, he says “actually, I gave it a try, and I’d rather go back to my given name” then do that. He’ll remember that you loved him enough to try.

6

To me it sounds like it’s a school identity, perhaps a way of them standing out - perhaps protecting themselves from the ‘hormones’ from boys, perhaps it’s where they feel save to be a boy, and since she has identified as bi-sexual, they might be bi-gendered as well. You can talk to her and though you can say that it is still hard for you to use the pronouns perhaps ask if it would be ok for you to start using the male pronouns in respect to school. This could serve 2 purposes, one is helping her define the gender boundaries she is demonstrating, the second is help you transition to the pronoun of their choice.

7

Rather than looking at this as a way to get attention, I think that it’s important to realize that this decision likely exposes him to significant harassment and bullying at school and he’s doing it anyway. I have an AFAB neighbor who came out as nonbinary with a male name while in high school. They have supportive parents and we live in a liberal area and, yet, their peers made things so unpleasant and the school administrators were so unsupportive that they dropped out of high school. This is hardly something somebody does just “to be different and stand out”.

Take your child seriously and listen to what they have to tell you. Having them talk to an open-minded and supportive therapist is a good idea. I echo @BippityBoppityBoo that you talking to such a therapist is also a great idea.

One thing that comes through in your post is that you have a notion that there are boys who like boy things and boy clothes and are attracted to girls and there are girls who like girl things and girl clothes and are attracted to boys. Believe me, I get it; while I didn’t have a conservative upbringing, I’m probably your age or older. This generation of kids seems much more comfortable, when they come out, saying that they’re uncomfortable being pigeon-holed as straight vs. gay or male vs. female. I think it’s important to respect that and let them figure themselves out.

8

I want to stress that I don’t think feeling this way is a new phenomenon, just that expressing it is somewhat more accepted than it used to be. That’s a good thing.

9

This is solid advice.

Consider the costs if your son is wrong, and decides two, five, or ten years from now that he is female and wants to change pronouns again and go back to the old name, or on to a new one. I see the inconvenience, but not the harm. Even in the worst-case scenario (this is all just an attention-seeking put-on to test your limits), remember that this person is 14 and still needs help and support in navigating deep feelings and a complex world.

10

Just go with it, and whatever happens, happens. What’s important is that you be there for your child.

11

One thing that struck me, OP, is how little communication there is on this between you and your son. So many of the things you’re confused about could be resolved by a few non-judgmental questions. After all, the only person who knows how your son is thinking and feeling is your son.

12

It kinda sounds like he was being still girlish before school because he was keenly aware you were uncomfortable. The pronoun thing would announce that pretty loud, even though you’ve cut yourself some leeway to do so.

Whereas, at school, he may feel both more comfortable, around people who refer to him by his chosen pronoun. It could just be that simple, and you’re reading too much into it.

(Also, when I walk my dog, and we interact with a stranger who casually says, ‘What a good boy you are!’, and I correct them and say, ‘Actually she’s a good girl!’, I have NEVER seen anyone need to check, and they all just seamlessly transition in, ‘What a good girl!’ I often wonder afterward, if they’d be as smooth with their own child as they were with the dog?)

13

What does ‘identifies as a male’ mean? (To you, the OP). And what does ‘really’ mean? Once you detach ‘identifying as male’ from physical characteristics, gender is a social construct.

On your description, it means is interested in boys as romantic/sexual partners, is interested in girls as friends, interested in looking and behaving like a girl, is flexing adolescent power by making demands on the establishment, and is developing an independent identity.

On the face of that, I don’t have any reason to expect that you won’t have grandchildren, nor that your child will have any unusual amount of trouble at school.

14

Nothing wrong with that, your child has not changed as a person with this announcement, your child has changed the way they want to be addressed, and has informed you about their feelings about themselves. Same kid, different pronoun.

I’ll add that I know it isn’t easy, even for parents who would be considered very “progressive” it’s a shock to your expectations of your child. Change is difficult, but it’s something you can manage if you allow yourself to, and work at it.

15

Your child sounds like someone who thinks “I am (opposite gender of what I was born as)” but doesn’t truly grasp what that actually means.

If it were reversed, and a son was talking about “I identify as a girl” while behaving in nearly every way as a boy, and espousing boy interests, we probably would be like “Uh…”

16

I think the best way to look at it is, her/his gender identity is ambiguous. As another poster said, love the child regardless. He/She will eventually sort out gender identity.

17

More likely that this 14 yo is struggling to find words to describe how they feel. They’re subject to the same cultural forces as their parents such that “I don’t feel like a girl, so that must mean I’m a boy”, when neither may be an apt description, or may only apply for some parts of their life.

I agree with

and looking at externalities to decide whether they’re telling the “truth” is a mistake that’s only likely to alienate them.

A reasonable starting point for an appreciation of the multitude of things that may be going on for this kid is at
Non-binary gender - Wikipedia.

18

I disagree with most of the others here. I think that the impulses of children need not be accepted by parents simply because there’s no evident harm.

Children are astounding suggestible, especially when it comes to teenagers and social pressures. It may be that your child is genuinely dysmorphic, or has a crisis of gender identity. But it may also be something else – simply trying something new (i.e. curiosity), peer pressure, attention-seeking, self-destructive behaviour, seeking solutions to a general feeling of not-fitting-in, ‘just a phase’, or any other explanation.

I would suggest that, prior to adopting the new pronouns/names, and prior to simply accepting the change of status quo, it is important to talk to your child about what they even mean when they say these things:

  • What does ‘being male’ or ‘being female’ mean to them? Is it purely an internal difference, or does it rely upon how they’re seen by others and on behaviour?
  • If their birth name is Jane, then how does it make them feel to be called Jane vs. being called Sally (a female name that isn’t their birth name) vs. being called Roger (a male name that isn’t their birth name)?
  • What is the connection (to them) between gender and sexuality? Many parents wouldn’t want to talk about sexuality explicitly with their 14-year-old, but you have said that she is bisexual, so clearly there is some sort of open dialogue about these topics.
  • Do they know anyone else who has asked to be given different pronouns/names? Are some of her friends doing the same thing?
    The key to almost all confusions is to simply talk more, and ask more questions.

I would also recommend talking to a professional about how to approach this apparent change in your child. I’m not even sure who – psychologist? therapist? child development specialist? There will be people who professionally have more knowledge/experience with this kind of thing.

But, ultimately, you’re her parent – you have access to a more completely picture, and more intimate details, than any of us. The fact that you’re here asking for advice is a good sign that you genuinely love your child, and want to do the right thing by her rather than ostracize or overrule her.

19

There are more than two genders. A lot more. It sounds like your son is male with strong female tendencies. You’re not being asked to do much, but using the name and pronouns he wants you to use will go a long way. There are statistics that show that family acceptance of one’s gender identity contributes in a strongly positive way towards mental health.

20

This, and there seems to be a real regressive adherence to strict gender roles among younger people these days, which is obviously confusing to kids who don’t like the things that girls or boys are “supposed to.” I’m not sure how we got from “I’m a girl who likes building things and hating dresses” in the 90s to if “I hate dresses but like building things I must be something other than a girl” now, but a lot of young people really do seem to think that way.