Looking to the wisdom of the Dope from parents who have gone on the journey with their teenage children transitioning from one gender identity to another.
Just got back from a 10 day business trip to China. Had a relatively civil but heated discussion with China wife on our divorce. Maybe today it’s finally dawned on her that we are getting divorced and will be final in a few months. My 14 year old middle child overheard a decent part of that discussion.
After my wife left to go do something. Middle child came into the guest bedroom where I’ve been camping out and wanted to talk. Long story short, thinks that transgender is pretty likely and wants to be referred to a male name (kinda a nickname of the obviously female birth name). Had already gotten agreement from the school counselor to use the new name when 9th grade starts on Wednesday.
Meant and said what any parent should do “I love you and I’m here to support your journey (insert male name here), big hug.”
middle child has been identifying as gay for the past 2 years or so. Mom has a problem with her own children being gay. One major factor of the divorce is that Mom could not accept eldest (now at university) being gay. She was fine with the daughter’s gay friends, but as soon as it was her own kid, she and her entire family were unaccepting. And, at least I found it odd, she seemed okay with “born in the wrong body” but not “born this way.”
Middle child doesn’t want to test the reality of acceptance or not of “born in the wrong body.” At least until not after the divorce, and at least 50% safe space with me.
I know there are other parents on the Dope that have/are dealing with kids coming out as trans. Please share links, lessons learned, and helpful websites. I need to find a therapist that can help my kid figure things out, no matter which way it ends up. Thanks in advance.
China Guy, I really have nothing to add other than wishing you and the whole family all the best. It is still an unsafe world to be different, and it takes real guts to admit that you are or feel different. I am in one of the bleeding liberal hearts of the world locations, Seattle, and even here there is still a tremendous difference in the comfort of boys (born with testicles) vs. girls (born without testicles) and to publicly question/change their label. I think the world still has a long way to go in understanding and compassion!
I have two teenagers and my observations on their interactions with their transitioned, or even just queer, friends and their parents:
don’t think that just accepting them and ignoring the change is all that they need as that isn’t acceptance- help them, talk with them
admit when you don’t understand or would like their help in how your child wants to be public or do something- don’t just blindly guess follow their lead and treat them like a human
help them to understand why other people may not accept them- don’t ask them to pretend to be something other than who they are, but educate them on why some people may be blind or willfully ignorant of who they are. [My mother just asked on the 3rd day of a family reunion, “is Kurt wearing lipstick?” while the prominent “they/their” button was totally ignored by 90% of attendants.]
many people are going to declare it a phase especially for rebellious teens - it simply doesn’t matter, I am not the identical person of 5 years ago. People get to be themselves even if they change!
Therapists or groups are better than on-line support groups. And teens these days love their therapists- just to have somewhere to talk safely (about school, life, parents, etc.). And having somewhere for yourself to help you keep your own thoughts clear is great too. Neither of you may want a weekly session, but find a place or one you like and go as needed.
I have trans friends, but haven’t personally had to deal with the issues. So I don’t have much advice. But thanks for embracing your child, and best wishes in your journey.
It really hasn’t been a big deal for us because our daughterish knows we love them - and has taken it in stages. Plus, they haven’t transitioned, there isn’t any “born in the wrong body” - there is just “I don’t like the burdens and expectations that come with this body,” they are “just” non-binary - so names have stayed the same - there have been a few presentation differences from time to time, but they still choose to do preformative femininity sometimes (makeup, cute clothes, girl shoes), as well as sometime go for either “aggressive lesbian” (flannel, men’s jeans, boots) or androgyny.
A friend’s daughter’s transition has been much more drama ridden - but that’s because the daughter in question is a lot more drama ridden (mine is not drama free by any means, but this is on a whole different scale). She (the daughter who transitioned) felt persecuted, even by people supporting her. But this is a kid who has been in therapy since six and has issues - started calling the police on her own parents while still in elementary school, they’ve had social workers since early on (and, by the way, no abuse was ever found), and the parents are very supportive - the “abuse” has been things like not paying for a $30k a year arts program or funding their desire to try their luck with Broadway.
Advice - be prepared - really prepared - for the backlash he is going to face from his peers. Kid’s really don’t understand how cruel other kids can be - and they’ve all been taught “we should all be accepting friends” so sometimes the bullying can feel like its coming out of left field. We pulled ours and sent them off to college for their Senior year in high school - and I should have pulled MUCH earlier. For them, it wasn’t so much the gender thing as it was they sexuality thing (they are also asexual) - their peers didn’t know how to deal with someone who could go from presenting as stunning woman to a twelve year old boy and didn’t have an understandable sexual identity. Adolescents like to be able to put people in boxes with labels.
I have a trans daughter who came out at 12 and is now 21.
I’d recommend finding a parents’ support group for starters. It was really helpful to me to hear about the experiences of other families. Also, find a good friend you can occasionally vent to. There will be difficulties and strong emotions and you’ll sometimes want to complain about the whole thing which you don’t want to do to your kid and can sometimes be hard to do in a parental support group.
Ask your son how he wants to handle family photos and stories. My daughter still doesn’t like to look at pre-transition photos but now talks about the past. We always use female pronouns and her new name when referring to the past. There’s no “before she was a girl” talk.
Think about a legal name change. it may be necessary before the school and your pediatrician’s office will change your child’s name in their records. Your son’s teachers may use his new name without a change in the records, but substitute teachers won’t know to do so. Make sure they do, especially if dead naming (use of old name) is traumatic for him.
Unfortunately, you and your soon-to-be ex-wife will both have to agree on the name change, hormones and other medical treatment, and so forth.
Watch out for depression and self-harming, both of which are rampant among trans youth, even those with highly supportive families. Therapy is really important.
A useful book for relatives, teachers, etc: Transgender 101.
Good luck! It’s a whole lot easier that it used to be for both parent and child.
Huh. I used a name that wasn’t my legal name in school, and I never had any problems. I told teachers on the first day of class, and that was it. (Not a gender thing, just a “I don’t actually use that name” thing.) I don’t recall having trouble with substitute teachers, although maybe I wouldn’t have remembered?
But I’m sure it is easier to change his name now than when he is older and has more records. And names are really important to how others view us.
I always asked my teachers to use my middle name, but substitutes invariable called me by my first which even my parents didn’t use. It wasn’t traumatic though, which it might be for a trans child and really was for my daughter.
In our pediatricians office, the doctor would use her correct name but the staff sometimes called out her previous male name. It’s hard for everyone to get it right if it isn’t changed in the records.
No LGBTQ+ kids of my own, but I’ve helped two friends with transitions and a third with a transitioning child. For what it’s worth:
People somewhere around puberty and adolescence can greatly benefit by hormone therapy that merely stops or slows the natural emergence of secondary sex characteristics. People often need time to sort out how they want to present and whatnot, and the puberty years kind of put them on the spot, as permanent changes settle into place. If somebody delays development for a while, and then decides to go ahead with their natal sex development, there’s no harm done. And if they delay and then decide on a medical transition (whether just hormonal or also surgical), they’re much better off. They win either way. If this kind of delaying therapy requires both parents’ permission, you might frame it to a reluctant ex as a smaller step and easier alternative than a full medical transition.
Ditto, PFLAG is helpful for resources and contacts. I’m active in our local chapter and have noted that gay attendance has fallen off and trans attendance has really gone up in the last couple years, so you’ll be in good company.
You and/or your child might like attending a trans health conference or trans wellness conference. It’s a great atmosphere with a lot of positive energized people, and so many resources!
Our experience with my transgender son has been 180 degrees different from this. My son’s peers have been nothing but accepting, and it’s the adults who roll their eyes at “changing your gender” (NOT what this is about!). It helps that we live in a liberal area, but the year my son was a freshman, a trans guy was elected Prom King.
We also live in a liberal area, but two kids transitioned during my kid’s high school years - and neither of them were well treated by peers. Or by teachers which made the peer bullying easier.
And my friend’s daughter was going to a performing arts school - all liberal all the time, and the bullying included physical and sexual abuse.
I’d be prepared for the bullying. You might get lucky and it won’t happen. But it might be horrific.
A friend’s daughter (same age as my Moon Unit) transitioned when she (now he) was in his teens. Like you mentioned, she first came out as lesbian, then she transitioned to he a year or two later. I think the ages in question were 12 and 14 or thereabouts.
While there’s naturally quite a lot I don’t know, a few things I recall from their journey:
They opted for “top” surgery (mastectomy) but not bottom. I don’t know if he will ever have the hysterectomy etc. I know they had to travel some distance to find a doctor who would do the surgery on a teenager.
Accommodations for things like school trips, gym locker rooms etc. were a bit of a hassle though I know they worked it out. Another friend’s child transitioned while in college, so there were fewer logistical issues at play in that regard.
Starting hormonal treatment sooner would have allowed their son to turn out a bit taller (as it was, he had settled into the height the female chromosomes mandated). He’s on the shorter side of average for a male as a result
Maintaining the female reproductive organs (while taking the male hormones) poses some special medical issues - he has to see a gynecologist who is up on such things.
I know you’ll find the best way to support your kid through this. I’m sorry that it is going to be complicated with the added challenges of the upcoming divorce and a less-than-supportive mother.
Appreciate the comments, tips, advice and PM’s. School starts tomorrow. My twins go to a small school of about 700 students that go from 6 -12 th grade. Its rated academically extremely strong nationally. The staff are great and broker no shit. Kids get in via lottery, and trouble makers don’t last. Tehre have been some trans kids in higher classes. Kidlet also has a friend from 2nd grade that now goes to a different nearby school, who has planned to come out this week when starting high school.
My kid has talked to counselors and ready to address by the preferred name. For example, if the name is Jackson, then the preferred name is “son”.
Very wild card is when does child out to Mom, and how will Mom react. kidlet wants to don’t ask don’t tell until the divorce is final. I agree but it won’t be easy. It also slaps me in the face at how far apart my wife and I are. One big driver for the divorce is that she can’t accept having gay kids. Knowing her mental issues over the past few years, none of us really want to test that she is supportive of “born in the wrong body.” It will be ugly at some point. Makes me want to weep that may be the final piece of evidence to make my wife understand just far off the rails she has gone in the past 3+ years. She was gone 6 months out of 2 years with zero communication home to all the kidlets. When she was home she was a caustic semi maniac. I don’t doubt that didn’t help middle child trying to figure out their identity. Anyhoo, I have to start looking for a counselor. I’ve been to PFLAG a few times, kidlets has been to BGLAD support group a few times, and I’m looking into services at seattle Children’s Hospital, who are wonderful.
Anyhoo, keep suggestions coming. It’s a journey that I am committed to support
First day of high school at least wasn’t horrible. It’s a small liberal school in a liberal area, so as supportive as probably possible with high schoolers. Figuring out bathrooms, changing rooms, etc. He’s gonna stay with the boys at their off site retreat tomorrow. A teacher reported he was very mature and matter of fact saying I now go by “xyz” and please use “he, him”.
kicked off getting referrals for counseling and setting up a pre screening with these folks that have support groups and education: www.genderdiversity.org
Glad to hear his first day went well! Things like bathrooms might take a while, but inclusion with the boys on their retreat is a good thing.
Gender Diversity is a great organization, IMO. You also seem more comfortable with the pronouns than you did in your previous posts (unless I’m reading too much into that? You seemed to be avoiding any pronouns at all).
One of the things that has helped me is to realize that transitioning affects the entire family, and we’re all deserving of support. I have gone to PFLAG groups (and may again; it’s a scheduling thing) and belong to 2 Facebook groups. When confronted with an issue, I like to find my people and talk to them. My husband is more of an introvert, so he is more the type to work things through in his own head, then talk about them. My younger son is a typical 14-year-old and is mostly only concerned with the ways his brother annoys him, and is completely unfazed that he had a sister for 12 years and now has a brother. And these are all fine ways of being and reacting.
I look forward to hearing more about your journey. Best of luck.
At least with kidlet friends that are trans, I found it mucho easier to avoid pronouns and use their new names as much as possible. Although, I do admit, it’s a little discombobulating to say him or my son, especially talking with my big brother. But easier to practice with family. My work buddies with kids now in college, all validate the same approach: it’s no big deal, be there on the journey, no judgements, and see where it ends up.
I’ve got an intake call with gender diversity set up for next week. They actually have a monthly support group split between parents and kids every month in my community.
Requested a referral to the Children’s Hospital for gender issues. They were fantastic with their anxiety support group and expect the same excellent guidance on gender issues. Gonna have coffee with a Doper on a somewhat similar path nexxt week. So far all good.
Will be a relief when his mother understands what is going on. But that will probably be after the divorce and 50 50 custody in a couple of months.
