(don’t flame me for terminology; he used that exact word himself)
(and don’t flame me for my choice of pronoun; he’s been “he” for more than 20 years to me; I’m going to need some time to get used to using the “correct” pronouns. And my choice of pronoun will be determined by his choice, and no-one else’s opinion).
I like to think that I’m reasonably tolerant; for the last 30 (or more) years I’ve lived by the principle that a person’s sexuality is their own business and no-one else’s. OTOH, I was born in the 60s. I grew up in a very homopobic environment. I’ve had to go several rounds with myself before my visceral reaction to non-hetero sexuality aligned with my intellectual analysis. These days, I have a few gay colleagues and friends, and I have no issues with what they’re doing in their bedroom, nor with whom. It’s not my effing business. But so far, I haven’t had any contact with people who I know is trans. It’s a totally new situation to me.
My worries right now are how he’ll have a good life, no matter what. And - I have to admit - if he’s right about what he’s telling us. Will he be going for corrective surgery, or will he be happy with his current physical situation? If the former, I can’t believe it won’t be a long and hard journey. If the latter, I can’t believe it won’t be tough.
I’m just venting right now, but any advice is appreciated.
Sometimes people’s gender can be fluid. Don’t be surprised if sometimes he presents as male, other times as female, and other times as a blend of both. Today’s society is much more forgiving, so he won’t have as much of a rough time as you think. Likely he will be living and working with a bunch of 20-year-olds, and they don’t really care all that much. Several of his friends may even be going through the same things. So while he may not feel welcomed by all of your generation, he’ll be fine with his circle of friends. Sometimes you may need to stick up for him if one of your friends gives him a hard time. You should consider distancing yourself from any close-minded people which would make your child feel bad.
If your area is conservative, he may end up moving someplace that’s more accepting.
Provide unlimited emotional support, but limit financial support. Any change he makes should be through his own motivation. Everything can be saved up for. If he has to make his own financial decisions, he’ll give more thought about what it means and what is right for him.
Just try to accept as best as you can. Refrain from telling him he’s making a mistake. If it’s just a phase, he’ll realize that himself. But if it’s not, feeling rejected can lead to a lot of emotional issues in the future.
Perhaps simply remind yourself that these exact sentiments could also apply equally if his desire was to be an astronaut, or a ballet star, the next teen idol, or a painter.
We all hate to think our child will suffer. But the hard truth is, they have to be given the freedom to make hard choices. Only he can say which would cause him greater suffering, an unaccepting world, or a lifetime living a lie. It’s he that will pay the freight on that choice, so he gets to call the shots.
You seem to be asking all the right questions, and seem open minded. Don’t look forward to larger questions just now, stay on the page he’s on with him. You can handle the rest, should it come, when it comes. I have a feeling you’ll all be okay. Wishing you all Good Luck!
I am so glad you’re at least open to discussion. You have a long road ahead. Keep an open mind, that will be your best friend. And ask him questions (not interrogate), he probably feels out of sorts about it too. Good luck.
I can vouch for them too, at least where I am. I’ve been going to their meetings since June or so, when I came out as bi; I wasn’t sure whether it was the precise organization for me, but it was the only one available unless I was associated with the university or college in this small city.
PFLAG started out as “Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays”, but they are now more of a support group for people of many sexual minorities. The one here, in particular, is doing a great job of supporting trans people and their parents; they can also refer you to other groups, such as Gender Journeys (warning: PDF), dealing specifically with trans issues.
Thanks for the support. Unfortunately, the recommended organizations are 'murrican; I’m located on the right side of the pond.
Been doing a little reading. Right now, I have to find out if “trans” means transgender or transsexual. As far as I can determine, the consequences are quite different.
People I know have been using ‘trans’ to mean someone who has adjusted their physical body to match their sense of their gender; I think this would be ‘transgender’. Although now I am a little confused and will have to look things up…
Are you in the UK? There is a PFLAG UK group: www.pflag.co.uk. Unfortunately, it is inappropriately blocked by the Tim Hortons WiFi I am on at the moment. (I have written a message of complaint to Tim’s.)
If you remind your child that you love and support them, and that you will learn as you go along, you will be making great first steps.
Many trans individuals and their families have successfully navigated the transition and prospered into the future. Arm yourself with information and love and I am sure your family will grow richer and your child far happier.
That can vary a lot with the nationality of the writer and time of the writing. They can mean the same, they can be the PC and un-PC versions of the same, or they can be different things. Originally in English they meant the same, with transexual being in the process of getting displaced by transgender. Also, when people use them to mean different things we basically have a linguistic bloody mess, because each speaker who uses them with different meanings disagrees with every other one who does.
For example, Sunspace’s definition:
He’s doing his best to be clear, and yet: his definition does not include people who have already identified themselves as trans but haven’t initiated medical treatment; it also doesn’t make it clear whether the adjustment already done includes genitalia or not. Note that I don’t say “surgery”, because for a FtoM adjusting the chest requires surgery and for MtoF it does not. You ask different people and different organizations, you’ll get a bunch of different definitions.
The way I understand it right now, is that transgender is about gender expression, while transsexual is about living in the wrong body. So, a transgendered person needs a non-standard gender expression, while a transsexual person needs gender reassignment.
I might be totally wrong in my understanding, though. This is completely uncharted terrritory to me.
And I reiterate, that while it may seem that way at first glance, those specific definitions will vary with who you ask. The specific distinction you’re making requires the speaker to be conscious of the difference between gender and sex and of when “gender” is used as an euphemism for sex (“gender reassignment”); it also treats gender as non-binary but sex as binary. Many people use “trangender” as the modern or PC version of “transexual” but often just chop both to “trans”. People whose gender or sexual expression doesn’t fit the labels of “cis”, “gay”, “bisexual” or “trans” (that is, what you’re thinking of as transgender) are commonly represented by the Q of queer in the acronym LGBTQ.
One of my siblings just came out to me as -mmmmm- not the same gender as she was born with. She (previous pronoun) is not male or female and has a special pronoun.
Anyway, it does take a while to wrap your mind around what has happened. I’m sure it would be much, much more difficult for a child.
He (no requests for a different pronoun, no announcements that a different name is preferred, so I’m going with what I’m used to until further notice) has now started to wear pantyhose and a dress at home. Since he isn’t ready to come out in public, it makes for some extra considerations when one of the siblings have friends coming over, but that’s just a practical thing. What kind of annoys me is how hard it is to fight my own visceral reaction. I’ve overcome my cultural prejudice against gay people, but I obviously haven’t overcome my cultural prejudice against physical male persons dressed in female clothes.
I want him to be happy with himself, and I’m hell-bent on accepting whatever it takes to make him be what it is, but damn, it’s hard to erase 50 year old though patterns. I know that this is my problem and nobody else’s, but it’s a bit frustrating to see how I haven’t managed to kill all my 60s/70s-vintage prejudices.
This is a statement that any loving, caring parent makes about their kid. Regardless of their sexual orientation. Just saying.
Thanks for this. I just joined PFLAG’s email list. I am the father of a gay son, my dancer son who lives and dances out of NYC — I’ve posted about him here before (My Son Performed at Carnegie Hall!).
As someone who grew up like you, as you said in your OP, born in the 1960s and grew up in a homophobic environment (and, I served 13 years in the US Marine Corps starting in the early 1980s — it doesn’t get much more homophobic than that), I have made a similar journey too. The first time I saw 2 guys lip-locked in a passionate kiss (1979, I was 18), I was so surprised, totally baffled that such a thing could happen, I almost threw up. But that was then and this is now, and I am a little more enlightened, a little less ignorant.
2S4U, talk to your son. And it sounds like you are, and hopefully you’re letting him know that you love him and that you will support him. You may be struggling with that, and if you are, then fake it until you make it.
He has been on his own journey, and if it’s appropriate and if he’s open to hearing it from you, maybe you can let him know that you are making this journey too, that it will take time for your brain to wrap around this new world, and that you will walk side-by-side with him, figuratively if not always literally.
But this is about him. He’s the one walking in those shoes, and he’ll be the one living the trans life. Help him to be safe, to be protected. As he lives out his years he will travel about, and hopefully we as a society are becoming more enlightened, less ignorant, more loving and more accepting. But there is evil and hate in this world. It is out there. It’s been almost 20 years since the Matthew Shepard murder, and I pray that everyone in the entire world is beyond this, but it can still happen today.
And this is also about you. It sounds like your heart is in the right place. It will take some time for your brain to follow. If you keep loving your son, you will get there sooner than you expect.
Would recommending a list of “movies where dudes dressed in women’s clothes look hotter than most women” get me a handbasket to hell or a thank you? To me it really brings home how much of what we considered “normal clothing” is just a more or less long-lasting fad; it hasn’t been so long since fashionable guys wore tights and women’s ankles were invisible. If you’ve got a subscription to HBO, Netflix or Prime all of them have LGBTI sections. Are the stories overwrought? Well yeah: news flash, nobody bothers film normal and lab techs don’t wear this much makeup even if they work at Revlon.
It may help to ponder and realize, and then remind yourself periodically, that most clothes are not, in fact, female or male. That there’s nothing about their actual design that makes them “for” one sex or the other outside of cultural norms and expectations.
I do realize that this is most about him. He has to fight his demons and overcome his obstacles, and we’ll support him to the best of his abilities.
Still, one of my difficult issues is being forced to realize that deep, deep down I’m not much better than the bigots whose attitudes I thoroughly loathe. Despite all my liberal and tolerant ideals.