I Think My Son Might Be Gay

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

He just turned 13, but my gaydar’s been going off for the last couple of years. He’s never expressed any interest in girls, the way his older (by 2 years) has for several years now. And there are several other things- such as how when he was little he used to express that he felt he was a girl on the inside, he does have some feminine features such as long, slender fingers, and last night he wore his female cousins clothes when they were goofing around. (And looked quite natural in them!)

If he is gay, of course I will love and support him. But that’s not to say it doesn’t bother me just a bit, or that I won’t have a period of mourning to go through. Nobody wants to think of their little boy doing… you know, those things that gay men do with each other. And I so look forward to having grandchildren. Especially from him, as he is the child that resembles my side of the family the most, and he is very good-looking. He would have pretty babies.

I suppose some day very soon I’ll have to sit down and talk with him. I don’t know really what to say, but we’ve muddled through some awkward conversations in the past and I’ll do my best.

I don’t want him to be gay! I don’t want him to have a lifestyle that exposes him to danger or mistreatment from bigots! I want him to be “normal”! I know, it’s selfish of me to think that way, but for now that’s how I feel. I can’t help but think back to that pregnancy and remember that I was way on estrogen overload- I cried for some reason or another almost every single day. I wonder if that could have something to do with it.

Of course, it has not been established that he is indeed gay, and I would be very relieved if tomorrow I caught him looking at boobies. But my intuition is rarely wrong, and I’ve been thinking about this alot.

Just wanted to share.

2

I think your feelings that you don’t want your son to be gay are normal. In our society, being gay is not easy. Who wants their kid to have to live a harder life because of who they are attracted to? No one. And of course, the whole grandkids thing. My parents probably won’t get any (on purpose, my brother might knock someone up accidentally) and neither my brother or I are gay.

But if your son does come out, the best thing you can do is be 100% supportive. It will be a million times easier for him if he knows his parents are right there behind him. It can be very hard, especially as a teen, to deal with those feelings. Most of my homosexual friends have been blessed with accepting and caring parents. Another friend had parents who took years to accept it (even though it was pretty darm obvious to everyone else, and he told them). So just be there.

3

He sounds more like a transsexual than a gay person.

4

Well, not expressing interest in girls can also stem from a lack of self-confidence.

When I was a kid I admit I also played a little with girls’ clothes. Although I’ve had bisexual tendencies I lean toward straight.

5

You’re going through what my folks went through, only their language was a tad stronger when I came out. Mourning is understandable but it DOESN’T give you any real insight into what kind of man, gay or straight, your son is going to be.

Let me just say for the record-- don’t rule out grandchildren. More and more gay male couples I know are reproducing. Shoot, the GLBT center here has a childcare program.

Second, I don’t think any kid wants to think of their kid having sex, I don’t care WHAT orientation they are. But sexual orientation is about love and partnership. Your son will be falling in love as well-- concentrate on that. Teach him to respect himself and his body so that he’ll have the strength to make the right decisions about sexuality. Works for everyone else.

Gay son or not, do yourself a favor and go to a PFLAG meeting or at least read the website. You’re not alone, and that judgemental society can be counterbalanced by a very supportive and loving community of friends for you and your son.

http://www.pflag.org/

6

So an 11 year-old didn’t express interest in girls and has slender fingers, and it started you thinking for the last two years that he might be gay? He wore clothing belonging to a female during play once and this is a warning sign to you?

Do you enjoy thinking about your little boy doing those things to women that make babies?

Let me see, have I heard a worse idea recently than you sitting down with this kid and talking about his sexuality?
No, no, I really haven’t.

7

I know, and I told his father today when we were discussing it that transexual doesn’t necessarily mean gay. But not only does he not actively look at female images, he actually becomes grossed out, or so he says. “Ew! That’s sick!” Maybe he’s just a private admirer and it’s all an act.

And yes, since he is one of the closest people to me on earth, I would never allow his sexual identity to come between us. I’d kill or die for that boy, are you kidding me? He will always have me, no matter what.
Otto, I can understand someone that’s gay getting a little defensive, and that’s okay. But I’m really not against the idea of him being gay. If he is, I will love him just as much as if he weren’t, and support him just as much. It’s just that the situation would be something I’ve never dealt with, and… you know, it wouldn’t be easy. Don’t be so hard on me, I’m just a mom trying to get through life without things being too complicated. It’s something I would have to process and deal with, and I would.

And it’s not only the things I’ve mentioned… it’s something that has been brewing for a while, with some low-level indicators but by no means conclusive. Lately I’ve just been thinking that if I’m going to have to deal with this, the sooner the better.

8

Of course, being his father, you might have a good insight, but based solely on what you said, I don’t see a strong evidence that he is in fact, gay.

Never having expressed interest in girls at 13 desn’t seem outstandish to me. Some boys “mature” slower, or are much more reserved (or shy) and won’t express their interest, especially in the presence of a parent.

I would even note that at this age, some boys, like myself actually, though already sexually “awakened” aren’t very decided regarding their gender preferences. I don’t know if it’s common but a sex ed book I read around this age even before it occured to me to wonder if it were normal stated it was (common).
As for him expressing he felt he was a girl when he was little, I really couldn’t tell if it’s indicative of anything. Probably other posters will have more insight.
Physical features (like the long fingers) are completely, totally, irrelevant.
And finally I’m sure many a boy dressed as a girl at one time or another.
So, I don’t think the elements you mentionned are very indicative regarding his sexual orientation. Personnally, I’d say “wait and see”, except maybe if you suspected that he could be worried by this issue.

9

Of course, being his father, you might have a good insight, but based solely on what you said, I don’t see a strong evidence that he is in fact, gay.

Never having expressed interest in girls at 13 desn’t seem outstandish to me. Some boys “mature” slower, or are much more reserved (or shy) and won’t express their interest, especially in the presence of a parent.

I would even note that at this age, some boys, like myself actually, though already sexually “awakened” aren’t very decided regarding their gender preferences. I don’t know if it’s common but a sex ed book I read around this age even before it occured to me to wonder if it were normal stated it was (common).
As for him expressing he felt he was a girl when he was little, I really couldn’t tell if it’s indicative of anything. Probably other posters will have more insight.
Physical features (like the long fingers) are completely, totally, irrelevant.
And finally I’m sure many a boy dressed as a girl at one time or another.
So, I don’t think the elements you mentionned are very indicative regarding his sexual orientation. Personnally, I’d say “wait and see”, except maybe if you suspected that he could be worried by this issue.
(Whipping the hamsters after the third attempt to post)

10

clairobscur, trublmakr is female. She’s the mom, not the dad.

11

Hmmm. I know, it’s true that the things I’ve mentioned don’t mean anything one way or the other. It’s more of a sense- studies have shown that gaydar is quite accurate. But maybe I’m wrong. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot lately. I do that when I’m trying to process something (think about it a lot and want to discuss it, because I’m a, you know, woman, and therefore not a father).

I’ll take your cues and chill out about it for now. But that talk is forthcoming, no matter what tree he swings from.

12

Maybe. At this age, I was mightily interested but pretended to look away when my parents were present. Actually, I was embarrassed by my interest. PLus, once again, he could be a little on the slow side, sexually speaking. “Ew! That’s gross” sounds a little childish acting to me.

13

Ahem… thanks. Well, it will be my vengeance for all the times I’ve been mistaken for a female…

14

Out of context, I guess it does. We joke around a lot, though, and this is usually said in reaction to his older brothers salivating over female flesh, in a teasing way. (But also, he doesn’t look or salivate.) He’s completely age-appropriate with regard to his social development.

Part of it may, admittedly, be the contrast between him and his older brother, who is hyper-masculine, with his father’s stocky build and ape-like hirsuteness. Their features could not be more different.

15

Just because he’s not showing any interest in girls at 13 doesn’t mean he might be gay… I had no interest in girls at all until I was 15, and then I was ALL about the ladies- almost overnight, in fact.

Honestly, I wouldn’t worry too much. He’ll mature and develop at his own pace- but knowing you’re there to support him will make all the difference.

16

Well, I think that may have been just what I needed to hear. I will put it on the back burner for now.

I was just worried that if he’s right now burdened with what he might think is a big problem, I wanted to figure out what to say and how to be about it, because I can’t stand the thought of him having to deal with something so major without my support. I guess I’m jumping the gun though, and maybe there are some things I’ll have to let him deal with by himself. But I don’t like it, I want to be there for him.

17

Don’t broach the subject, certainly not yet.

You know what a gay kid needs? A sense that when he’s ready to express himself, he’ll be accepted and loved for who he is.

So DON’T MAKE IT ABOUT HIM. Instead, start to expose him to positive images and thoughts of gay people. If not images, yet, then certainly make sure you communicate to him that you feel positive and supportive about gay people. Then, when he feels ready, he’ll know he can talk to you about it. Don’t let him think that it will be an obstacle to overcome, to come to you about it.

Then, if you’re wrong, you haven’t embarrassed or confused him further. Plus, you’ll no doubt be teaching him things that will make him a better person, even as a straight man.

That’s your win-win approach.

18

Well no wonder the kid has issues when he can’t even tell if trubl is his dad or his mom…

Oh, sorry.

As a former gay teen (or tween or whatever 13 is) please let me say that I think it is absolutely wonderful that you’re already preparing to accept him for who he is either way. You have no idea how great and meaningful and rare and marvelous that is. Stemming (like so many of my brethren and sisters in the Lavender Realms) from a family where I would never feel comfortable discussing anything gay-ish with my mother (who I love deeply and she me) your acceptance cannot be overrated.

I think you would be very odd indeed if it didn’t bother you to learn your son is gay (which at 13 he is definitely not out of the running for straighthood yet). A friend who’s 10 years older than I am was my rock, totally supportive when I came out and even ran interference in reconciling me with my mother, and when her own daughter came out she, in a word, flipped. On a more “celebrity” front, when Chastity Bono came out her mom, Cher, living gay icon with tons of gay friends and by her own admission some consentual gay experiences in her own past, kicked her out of the house while her father Sonny, a Republican senator from a traditional Italian Catholic family, hugged her and told her she would always be his little girl- it’s far too personal an issue to be detached or even logical about.

It’s natural to not want your son to be gay, it doesn’t make you a bad person, and the fact you’ve already braced yourself and said “If he is he is and I love him just the same” is by far the most important and character revealing thing that you’ve said. I would not want my son to be gay, just as I wouldn’t want my son to be deaf or ugly or be 5’2 or have a squeaky voice or anything else that would not in the least bit detract from my love for him or his ability to have a wonderful and productive life but would complicate his life. But, if my son were 5’2 or had a squeaky voice or whatever, I would most definitely accept it as something that can’t be changed and I’d want the happiest 5’2 squeaky voiced son there was, one who’d make me feel sorry for the mother of the Chad Michael Murray clone down the street who’s picture perfect but a total insensitive prick.

However, I do agree that now is NOT the time to discuss his sexuality with him. You may want to let him know in a not too obvious way that you’re cool with gay people in and of themselves (i.e. there’s nothing inherently saintly or noble about them, they’re people like everybody else- some Christlike and others Satanic and 99% of them somewhere in between) and that your love is unconditional (within reason: no drugs or facial tattoos or NASCAR merchandise or anything like that while he’s in your house). When he’s ready, IF he’s gay, he’ll come to you, and if that’s the case then at this point he probably hasn’t even clocked it himself yet. Gay kids are coming out younger today than in generations past because of higher visibility and acceptance but most are still over 15 before they do; I was 21 before I said the words to somebody else.

IF he’s gay then I think his dating rules should be the same as for his brother and there’s the added factor of he really should only date guys who are out to their parents and of course the safe sex talk is important as is explaining age appropriate dating and the like, but that’s years down the road and could well be much ado about nothing. There’s no one type of gay kid any more than there’s one type of straight kid and IF he’s gay it’ll soon become as mundane as leftover meatloaf.

But on behalf of former gay adolescents everywhere, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for being accepting and loving and unconditionally supportive. I can’t emphasize how much I mean it when I say that whether he turns out to be gay, straight, celibate or a Jewphin he’s a very lucky young man to have you for a mother.

Sorry if this is babbling or gushy.

19

Aw, that was sweet. Thank you.
His father and I (long divorced) went to dinner tonight and talked about it. The boy had put up as his background on his laptop a picture of him in a bikini top and lipstick from last night, and dad wasn’t down with that. He’s usually very tolerant and enlightened and understanding, so I couldn’t believe what I was hearing when he expressed that he would encourage the boy, if he was gay, to lead a celibate life and not “be” gay. I was like, WTF? I told him if he actually did deal with it like that, he would lose him. And I can’t imagine losing that kid- he is a wonderful person, and I’m so looking forward to loving him forever. Anyway, at the end of the meal, dad looked at me and said, “Gee, you’re gullible.” But wouldn’t elaborate. I called him when I got home and asked him what that was about, and he still wouldn’t tell me. I can’t imagine he would ever chance hurting or losing that boy, either.

20

If you hear any stories about parents taking it badly when their kid comes out, from acquaintances or in local media or something, it might be a good opportunity. Just mentioning it to him and expressing your horror that a parent would be anything other than supportive… It gets the most important point across without seeming like an accusation or pressuring him to make definitive statements about his sexuality… which he may not be anywhere near ready to make at 13.

Oh, and if he doesn’t come out to you? He may not be scared or confused or lying… he may just be a femmy straight kid!