something my kid told me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Sorry to be vague, but I didn’t want it in the title in case someone looks over my shoulder. What I meant to say is: my fourteen-year-old daughter told me (and her grandmother) that she thinks she might be gay. I’m stunned, to say the least, and what’s more…I think it’s possible she’s mistaken. I know how bad that sounds, but I can’t help wondering.

The main reason she gave for coming to this conclusion is that she’s never had a crush on a guy, and she thinks they’re all stupid. Now that I can understand. For most of her life, she went to a very small private school and was surrounded by the same group of kids every year. There were only two or three boys in her class, and they weren’t all that interesting. She’s only been in public school a couple of years, and she doesn’t “like-like” any of the boys she’s met. Add to that the fact that her grandmother and I have been married to spectacularly bad guys in the past, and I can totally see why she’s not enamored of the male species at this point. However, she also says that she’s never had a crush on a girl either. She “likes to look at them.”

She hangs out with a group of misfit goth-wanna-be’s (and I have no problem with that, I was one myself). She says a couple of them are always talking about being bi, so she told them she was gay. Now the news is starting to get around school, and she feels like people are always talking behind her back. She asked me to take her out of her after-school program because she’s not comfortable there anymore.

In case you’re wondering, her grandmother and I told her that we love her no matter what. We also both told her that she should do whatever she can to quell the rumors at school, and that she should not tell anyone else for now. I’m fine with homosexuality (although her grandmother has some issues), but all I can think of is that it’s dangerous to be out, especially in middle and high school, and I don’t get the feeling she’s really examined this. I’ve always taught my kids that it’s okay to be gay, and I think that with her friends bringing up the topic in an accepting way, she might have felt like trying on this identity.

I think it’s possible that a sheltered fourteen year old might be just too naive to really mean what she’s saying, especially in light of the fact that she didn’t seem to even realize that it would cause kids to pick on her at school. Her grandmother has told her several times that she just doesn’t have to make this decision yet.

What do you think?

2

I don’t think it’s as dangerous as it was years ago. Kids today are more accepting of non-hetero sexuality. I also think that lots of kids go through an identity crisis at that age. I know kids in my circle of friends did 35 years ago. I don’t see a problem with that. She’ll find her place, whichever place that turns out to be. I hear that kids her age on up to 16 or 17 can be conflicted regarding sexuality. I don’t think I’d worry if she continues to be confused for a while. It’s natural.

Not sure how to advise her regarding feeling uncomfortable in her after-school pursuits. Maybe a few sessions with a counselor will help her sort out her feelings and give her some ideas on how to handle the shit-slinging.

3

As the parent of a fourteen year old (emo/scene wannabe misfit!) girl, I think you’re interpreting this correctly. She may in fact turn out to be gay, but at this juncture, I think she’s seeing ‘gay’ more as an identity than as a sexual preference. And boy, do fourteen-year-olds love a good, controversial (to some) identity.

Fourteen is a really, *really * hard age. I think you’re handling it alright. As long as she feels accepted no matter what, then she should be okay at home. School’s a little tougher, but I think you might be overestimating the intolerance she’s likely to encounter anyway.

Good luck!

4

Firstly, it sounds like your being really supportive, which must be a huge relief and great support for her. It’s something you are going to have to come to terms with personally, and it sounds like your dealing with that well, so well done you!

I’m not homosexual my self, but from the experience of having a bisexual best friend and going to school with a lesbian, I know it can be difficult to deal with in the aggressive school environment. However, I’m not sure denying it is a good idea its probably not only good for her, but also for her schoolmates to know that open about who you are is a good thing. Drawing on my personal experience, i have known of occasionally violent bullying, but i also know that (unfortunately the quieter or more mature ones unlikely to mix with bully’s) admired their strength and openness. I agree it’s probably not a good idea to spread it further though until she has got everything sorted in her own mind.

I also think your right about not having to decide yet. there are probably a lot of things going on in her life at a very sensitive age, perhaps the best strategy would be to remain open to the idea, let her get some more life experience of how relationships (all kinds) work.

If she decides that she is going to be openly gay in school ,she will face hard times, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure most people would agree that a few years of misery is worth the happiness that comes form the lessons they taught you and a fulfilled and honest life

best wishes

5

Your daughter may very well be gay, don’t rule anything out. Personally, I’d tell her to keep an open mind and that it’s more important to love the person than the gender. Then leave it be. She will have to make this journey on her own.

As an aside, I hung out with the misfit/goths in high school, and out of my circle of friends (about 12 people), all but two of us ended up coming out as bisexual or gay within the next five years. It’s probably a coincidence, but then again it could be that we were drawn together out of our sense of gender-ambiguousness. (Did that make sense?)

Then again, I have this theory that it’s near impossible to grow up in the western world without feeling sexually attracted to women in some way, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. Women are so sexualized in public media, I think girls grow up looking at women wearing skimpy clothes and practically obscene poses in everything from television and movies to the underwear ads in the newspaper and can’t help but be interested. It’s how sex is introduced to them, so how can they not feel sexually aware or even aroused when looking at these women? Not that I think this is bad. It’s just something I came up with that sort of rang true with me.

6

I agree. I told her that everyone enjoys looking at women. Women are pretty.

7

My daughter went through the same thing at exactly the same age. She was even pretty much in the same situation, never had a boyfriend or any guy she was ever attracted to.
I told her the same thing you did, that I loved her no matter what. I also told her that I thought she may just be confused, to give it time. So she did.

Fast-forward two years and she’s utterly boy crazy.

That might not be a case with your daughter of course. She may be gay, and it’s great that you’re supportive.

I’d be torn with the after-school program. She probably does need to learn to deal with the talk I suppose, but I’d probably be overprotective and yank her out for now. But that’s just one of the board neurotic parents talking. :wink:

8

I think you need to realise that for teenage girls these days, being gay is cool. It’s still hard for teenage boys, no doubt about it. But for teenage girls, they’re being told all this pseudo-lesbian imagery is cool. At this age and a bit older, if girls get drunk at parties, the guys are less likely to try to take advantage of the girls themselves, and more likely to try to get all the girls to make out.

Pseudo-lesbianism is the new hiphuggers and baby-tees, or something. It’s a way to fit in. It’s mildly controversial and gets people talking and noticing the person, and a way to get attention or at least some admiration from guys.

But above all that, at 14, hormones are still crazy and kids haven’t really figured out where they stand. Maybe she’s gay, maybe she’s bi, maybe she’s straight. I would guess it would be a few more years before even she knows. Plus, have you spent any time around 14 year old boys? Most are complete morons who not many girls would be interested in.

And her grandmother thinks it’s a “decision”? Hmm.

9

I think everybody’s on target here. I don’t think she’s likely to be the victim of major harrassment, and it’s very possible she’s not gay. But the thing for you to do is just play it by ear and don’t pressure her. (And be careful of saying things that could be interpreted as pressuring. For example, I think it would be good to remind her that she may not always feel the way she does now, but I’m not sure how that would come across.) So hang in there.

10

Yep, sounds a lot like ‘I just want to fit in with my friends’ gayness than actual. Not having a crush on a boy at 14 is a tad thin evidence to decide that you must be gay I must say. Of course, like has been said maybe she is and maybe she isn’t. Sounds like you’re doing the right things. I wish I had grown up with a parent like you, my mom just recently stopped working ‘you know you’re going to hell’ into every conversation, and I’m 30! :slight_smile:

If it were me, I would take her out of the after school program if she’s feeling harrassed and uncomfortable, but that’s just my 2 cents.

11

I went ahead and took her out of the after-school program. I hope things continue to go well for her during school hours!

Thanks for all the kind words; I was afraid someone would take this one the wrong way.

12

The times, they are a-changin’. I have a fifteen-year-old daughter who came home from school to tell me that she had joined the school’s Gay-Straight Alliance. She’s reasonably sure she’s straight, herself, but has a number of gay friends who are out and proud. I am totally boggled by this - it doesn’t seem that long ago that I was in school and kids were ostracized and tormented if they were even suspected of being gay. I’m very happy my daughter is growing up today, and not back then.

I think you’ve gotten some good advice here. Kids mature at different rates - in our own circle of friends there are four teenaged girls ranging in age from 15 to 17, one of whom is certifiably boy-crazy, two who seem to be average-to-giddy about boys (and most of their crushes seem to be of the celebrity variety still) and one who has expressed absolutely no interest in boys OR girls. There’s really no telling when that kind of interest is going to kick in. It’s good that your daughter CAN talk to you about this - that bodes well for the future, whatever the future may bring.

13

Remember that 14 is also a little young to be sexually active – that includes lesbian sex. You should be sure some of her ‘bi’ friends aren’t mashing on her, pressuring her into something she’ll regret later.

14

Wow, there are some great parents on this board. :slight_smile:

Just wanted to throw in my two cents. I hope this all makes a bit of sense: If it comes up again, maybe you can talk to her about the idea that there is quite a wide spectrum of sexuality, and that many people aren’t 100% gay/straight or even exactly 50/50 when it comes to attraction. I like the comment about falling for the person- not the gender. I might mention that during some periods of your life you just may not meet people of a certain gender that are attractive to you, and this may change. Or not. I’d just be concerned if it seemed like her entire identity got wrapped up into her (as yet unsure) sexuality. (Though from what you’ve said, it sounds like she’s got quite a level head on her shoulders. :slight_smile: )

15

This is an excellent point as well. I think a lot of girls think of it as not “real sex” if it’s with another girl. Which, granted, it doesn’t have that nasty pregnancy side-effect, but it still carries risks of STD, and, more likely, if not more importantly, emotional repercussions up to and including heartbreak. No ointment for that.

14 is too young for sex with anyone.

16

Unless things have drastically changed in the few years I have been out of high school things still have not changed that much. I think the amount of things like beatings for gay students has declined but its not all puppies and sunshine. They are still ostracized and face a great deal of grief. There is no way in hell I would want to go through highschool being gay. Although I suspect its much easier as a lesbian.

17

Just remembering my own experiences: I knew I wasn’t straight when I was 12, but what exactly I was remained rather undefined. I’m not even certain if I knew what sexual orientation was at that point; it simply wasn’t spoken of. This would have been around '94-'95. I had decided on bisexual by age 14 or so. I was the kind of bisexual that’s only attracted to other boys. You know that kind? It made perfect sense using the convoluted logic I had going at the time. For whatever reason, I was comfortable with not being straight, but gay was still frightening, and bi seemed a nice, safe middle ground. I was 17 when I finally admitted to myself that what I was wasn’t bisexual, and that bisexuals had to at least be attracted to the concept of the opposite sex, if not any of the particular specimens at hand. No, what I was was gay, and it wasn’t so scary anymore to say that.

But not out loud, oh no. It had ceased to be taboo, but was spoken of only in the abstract. Support the distant ‘Gay Cause’, certainly, but an actual gay person? What, here? There’s none of those people here, what are you talking about? Noöne was out. Noöne at all. Not me, not the two other guys I knew, not the at least 50 others there must conservatively-speaking have been, noöne. This was 2000, mind, and it didn’t change after that.

What was said, in so righteous and liberal speech, about acceptance and tolerance and equality, was not borne out of the environment in which it was said. And that was evident. Perhaps it wasn’t to those in charge–I like to think they thought they were creating a supportive atmosphere and believed themselves to be succeeding since nobody hurled expletives in the hallways anymore–but to those who had reason to look, it became immediately apparent that the change was superficial.

I will strongly agree with what’s already been said, that unless there’s been an amazing, earth-shatteringly profound change over the last 4-5 years, it’s still a very hostile place to be–outside, perhaps, of the more enlightened metropolitan areas of the country (I don’t know where you live). I don’t think a lesbian would fair any better. Straight men seem to be attracted to fanciful lesbian imagery, but real-life gay women face much the same prejudice as men, I believe.

I would believe her, if for no better reason than to err on the side of caution. She might not be, she could be confused–I was confused–but then again, it’s not a place I could imagine many to willfully enter. And she has entered it, orientation aside, by her public outing.