My daughter told me at 10 that she was bisexual. I encouraged her to be open about her ideas and thoughts about sexuality with us here at home, but not at school because at 10, many of her friends were not going to be mature enough to tackle their OWN sexuality, much less hers. She has mentioned it on and off and I’ve been supportive of however she identifies while still insisting she is too young to have a girlfriend OR boyfriend.
Now she’s 12 and is maturing into a beautiful girl who identifies as lesbian. I want to support her through her adolescence, but I recognize that this will be a tougher situation to deal with than if she were straight. She gets crushes on straight girls or on girls who don’t know her very well; she worries about the “platonic” crushes she gets on boys, etc. I’ve explained that most kids her age get crushes on people of both sexes, and that is okay and not weird. I’ve mostly focused on how no matter who you like, you really have to be careful to not push people and not make them feel uncomfortable–all true, regardless of sexuality.
Anyway, any advice from those who have been there would be great.
Can’t help with personal anecdotes, but I was listening to Dan Savage the gay married sex columnist the other day, and he told about how his son told him, at age ten, that he was gay too, because girls were “icky”.
Now the kid’s in his teens and strongly hetero identified.
Dan’s point is that while some kids may well know their gender preference before adolescence, many really don’t, and just project from what they identify in family or the popular media. His advice was to not sweat it, be supportive, and wait for further brain and gonadal development.
Your instinct’s sound very good. Many LGBT groups now exist to support kids who need it. I would urge you to look into it. Also, do you have a mature lesbian (or gay) friend who might be able to provide counsel either to you or your daughter? I think that reaching out to the LGBT community could really help.
You seem to be handling it very well. Sexuality can be fluid. She may decide later in life that she’s bi, hereto, lesbian, poly…
I say let her find her own path and be there for her. No one gets through adolescence without a few bruises and cuts (emotionally at least) and she’s gonna need support no matter what.
Her sexuality is an important part of her but it needn’t define her. She has lots of other important issues to concentrate on, like a career or college if she chooses, or if she wants a family…
I say support her but don’t let it become the sole issue of her existence.
I didn’t have a word for it, but I knew at 5. It wasn’t even about sex then of course, but I knew I liked guys in the way that most guys liked girls.
I wouldn’t worry too much about support per se at that age except to treat her crushes on girls the same as any crushes on guys.
No advice but damn you’re an awesome mom.
I second this!
Well, she’s an awesome kid. But I would like to document and archive your sentiment for when she’s about 16. Thanks!
I do realize that she may re-evaluate at some point and that things may change…her older brother considered himself bisexual in early high school–up to the point of wearing skirts to school, etc–and the next thing I knew he was dating the most beautiful, ultra-feminine girl I’ve ever seen, and to all appearances has been hetero ever since.
She is definitely strongly influenced by media, identifying with gay tv characters and such, and is also deeply concerned about social justice issues which tends to make her identify strongly with groups who she considers to be victims of discrimination.
So…I think it’s entirely possible that she may “change her mind” although I kind of cringe to say that (and I have NOT said that to her) because I want her to know that she is okay no matter what her sexuality may be. I have tried to help her remember that she is still quite young and that many people her age haven’t really figured out where they are on the spectrum, while, as noted upthread, some definitely HAVE.
I guess I’m just worried about the situation at school more than anything. She was bullied in elementary school and junior high has been so much better for her…I don’t want her to be bullied again. (Although I’ve seen her spar in tae kwon do. She can kick ass.)
I just want to make sure I’m following my cardinal rule of parenting: Don’t fuck it up too badly.
I really appreciate everyone’s input so far. Very good points.
I had crushes on boys as early as kindergarten. I absolutely Loved my best friend Billy. I learned quickly that I needed to stay closeted, as a 5 year old in 1976 would have a tough go of it, but come 1989 and graduation, I went out and came out, and never looked back. It would have been so much better to have a loving, supportive Mom and Dad encouraging me to be who I was destined to be. Good on you, papergirl…
I think you’re doing a great job, too. Just love her and hang in there. Maybe help her find a volunteer job doing something constructive with that youthful energy and passion for bettering the world, in whatever manner she’d like to. The dating thing isn’t easy for most teens, gay or straight. But your parental role is the same if she’s gay or straight or something else - be there with hugs and a listening ear when her feelings are hurt, and make sure she’s not pressuring or be pressured into intimacy - physical or emotional - with anyone before they both (all) want it.
When she’s ready/due for that adolescent gyne visit, do take her to a doctor experienced in working with a lesbian population; her risk factors for women’s health issues may be slightly different than straight women’s - higher risk of skipping PAPs and missing certain cancers, higher risk of depression and anxiety, higher risk for smoking, alcohol abuse and excessive BMI, less risk of HIV, far less risk of unintended pregnancy, etc. - and she needs some specific education around that.
It’s pretty dense, but you might find some of this interesting reading: Lesbian Health: Current Assessment and Directions for the Future.
Not a parent and boringly hetero, so no advice from me, just wanted to say that you sound like a really cool parent. 
Damn, I LIKE this kid. You sound pretty great, too.
It sounds like you both are doing all the best things. I don’t have much to add. One possibility would be to check out Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), a nationwide organization that typically has local chapters meeting monthly and has a pretty family centered approach. On the down side, much of what they do is take in parents who are trying to fix the kid, and the meeting then tries to fix the parent. So, much of the discussion will be way behind you. But on the up side you can connect with local resources and also with those parents who are working on the same questions you’re working on.
The other possibility is that if your daughter had trusted people to model her approach on, and in whom to confide, and these “trustees” included gay people, she might find that helpful. If your daughter has a lesbian aunt that she seems to appreciate, make more opportunities for them to spontaneously start chatting – that sort of thing.
Depending on where you live, there are support groups for gay teens. You may want to call around - if she is interested in events for gay teens.
I had my first same-sex fantasy at the age of 5. Of course I knew absolutely nothing about sexuality, so was only able to identify it as a fantasy years later, in retrospect. It wasn’t until I was 12 when I suddenly realized I had feelings that other kids didn’t have.
Back then, there was nobody I could talk to, nobody to ask questions of. I went all the way through high school without telling a soul about my orientation, all the while always having a platonic “crush” on the prettiest girls. But I would have done anything to be able to talk it over with anyone, especially one of my parents. That would have made those years much more bearable.
Keep the communication going. Always let her know that you’re willing to talk it over with her. And let her know how lucky you both are to have each other.
I’m gay, between 11 - 13, I definitely liked both. Vividly remember having an intense crush on both on Ashley and Stefan Urkel on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Family Matters, respectively. I certainly had platonic crushes on girls as well. Saw a boy with his shirt off playing basketball in the school gym when I was 14, got an erection, and knew I was gay. It could be that your daughter is too focused on the budding and subsequent blooming of her sexuality. Her judgement (and,by extension,yours) could be a bit premature.
- Honesty
I identify as mostly straight these days. Though when I was in first grade, I had crushes on two of my classmates. One was a boy and one was a girl.
So yeah, sexuality/sexual orientation can change throughout a person’s life.
I was convinced my daughter was gay until she turned 15. She wore her levis like a dude, her shirts her hair. Her actions were all boy. She was quite a sight with her skateboard and baseball glove. At 15 she just suddenly changed and became very feminine. I felt most comfortable not dealing with it at all, just letting nature run its course.
And I think this is much more fluid for girls than for boys. Having at least some leanings toward bisexuality seems to be perfectly common (I don’t want to say normal, since all of these feelings are normal) for girls - but rarer in boys.
I began identifying as gay when I was 14, the year I began high school. I had been out to friends when I was 12 and had known since puberty that I was attracted not to women, but to men. I initially identified as bisexual when I was younger than that, or figured I’d be attracted to both because I did have crushes on girls growing up (maybe because society says we’re supposed to and I was conditioned to, who knows).
The advice I’d give her is that sexual orientation and one’s sexual interests are a private matter regardless of sexual orientation, and to remember that no one can be pushed into feeling a way that they do not feel. I have developed feelings on straight men too but I have had to accept that they would not feel the same way. It’s hard.
Yeah, I’ve focused a LOT on the issue of privacy, because she tends to want to share everything with the world. She wanted to officially come out in 5th grade, which was when we had the discussion about how LOTS of 5th graders aren’t ready to think about anyone’s sexuality yet.
I have noticed the girls seem much more fluid than the boys in their identification and acceptance. Luckily we live right next door to a very liberal town, so while things are a little less tolerant here, we have a lot of resources and groups nearby.
She does occasionally develop crushes on boys and seems so confused about it–I think she somehow feels she is being disloyal to her gay side. Again, I just reassure her this is all really, really normal for many young people.
I really appreciate all the feedback. I’m so sorry to hear about people who had a hard time coming out or accepting their sexuality. Growing up is hard enough!