My daughter is 13 now. A little over a year ago, a flurry of activities started amongst her circle of friends, which included my daughter asking out a female classmate, writing poetry to the classmate, developing a strong interest in webcomics with bi and homosexual characters, developing a strong interest in LBGQT politics, which all made it very clear that my daughter self-identified as either lesbian or, possibly bi. I’ve only seen the lesbian tendencies. The interest in the particular classmate seem to have waned, but the rest of it persists.
She’s said nothing to me directly about her romantic interests, but we do discuss the politics, the web comics, and so on. (FTR - yes, I am certain about the romantic interests too.)
My question to those of you with relevant life experiences on the Board, should I say something to her? I want her to be happy. I want her to know that I support her. What I don’t know is if I’m taking away an important choice from her by letting her know that I know, if that makes sense.
My husband has no idea. Just an added level of complexity. I believe he would be supportive. Our family includes many members of the LBGQT community.
No “relevant life experiences” here, but NYT writer John Schwartz is the author of Oddly Normal: One Family’s Struggle to Help Their Teenage Son Come to Terms with His Sexuality, and there are a number of relevant articles by and about him online from around the time the book was published in 2012. He recommends you wait to allow kids to come out on their own timetable, unless they appear to be in distress or something is forcing the issue (like suspecting they are sexually active).
No experience here, either. But, if you’re discussing stuff, I don’t see how you couldn’t just be sure that, when it comes up, show support for other people who have come out. I’m not saying be overly obvious and try to make her think you’re trying to get her to come out.
But just having a general attitude about it being okay would probably make it more likely she’d eventually share with you when she’s ready.
Just ideas based on what I’ve heard in coming out stories, like how people knew someone would be okay with it.
I’d be wary about making assumptions, given that it’s pretty common for middle-school-aged girls to develop crushes on other girls or female teachers, but many of these girls end up identifying as heterosexual later in life. For some people it’s permanent, for some it’s developmental.
In Other Words, Just A Phase. Or that’s what they used to call it.
I’m not authorized, educated, or experienced on this topic, nevertheless :rolleyes:, I say leave her alone unless she approaches you and wants to talk.
I always lean toward letting the person choose to tell people whenever they want to tell people.
That said, a few options.
The ‘we love and accept you no matter what your life choices’ comment at some appropriate time might make thins more clear and give her the courage to actually out herself. Note this is not a “we know you’re gay so why not just Telllll Yoooooouur Moooooother!!1!” conversation. That’s different, and no good. Please don’t do that.
The ‘Actions speak louder’ approach. Find a LGBT shelter or service community or pride parade and get involved. Why? “Allies are important, and we want to make the world more open and accepting for everyone.”
The “is there anyone” opener. She may be confused or temporarily rejecting being lesbian/bi because the crush didn’t work out. Ask if she’s interested in anyone currently, and ask about why she likes them if she does have someone. If not, have a conversation about what she’s looking for in a date, and list guy and girl (and agender for bonus points) options as a matter of course.
You can’t force her to out herself, but if she’s worried about being accepted or understood or made to feel ‘different’ or ‘special’ (that’s not a good thing) then there’s lots of conversations and actions that can help ease those fears.
Sure, for some people it isn’t. But I would go out on a limb and guess that for the majority of women, their first crush was on another girl, and this may or may not correspond to their actual sexual orientation as adults.
If she is lesbian/bi, she may be hesitant to talk about it with you because of your possible reaction or because talking with your parents about sex can be weird or she’s just not interested in bringing it up.
If it’s the former, letting her know indirectly that you’re fine with homosexuals/bisexuals could reassure her that you’re going to react well and she may bring it up on her own.
If it’s the latter, it’s understandable and it’s best not to bring it up.
So, whichever is the case, let her know indirectly (with plausible deniability for both of you) that you’re fine with it then let her choose what she wants to do.
True on that latter bit --she’s 13 after all, it can be awfully awkward to bring it up with the parents at that point *whatever *your sexual/gender identity. I suspect that as others have said, manifest but not “pointed” expressions and actions of acceptance and solidarity will speak louder than words to put her mind at ease when making her decision that it’s time to step forward.
And the step forward need not be some sort of “announcement”, it can be just her beginning to speak about her dates or her interests as a matter of course or even at some point saying “hey, Mom… you know, right? How long have you?”
We try to be very supportive. My cousin and her wife married a few years ago and now have a beautiful son. My son, naturally, wanted to have a talk about how that was possible, which we handled as matter of factly as possible.
I went to an all girls school. I am not familiar with this “girls always have crushes on other girls” idea at all. I started knowing I liked boys pretty darn young myself. I’m not comfortable with the notion that her sexuality is something she might change her mind about. It might happen, but over a year into this, I’m not thinking that it’s a fashion choice or something.
OK. (Bolding mine) Now I really want to do that. More seriously, I tell her I love her and support her all the time.
I like this one. I will look into it. In addition, we do have other family members (some of whom are not so welcomed by their parents) in the LGBT community. I think this is an excellent way of showing support.
I suspect this one might get the “Mom” brush off, but it’s a good conversation for every parent to have with their kiddo, probably repeatedly through the years.
I guess I don’t want to force to out herself so much as I want her to know it really, really won’t change how I feel. Being a teen is so hard, I don’t want her to have any more weights to carry. She’s awesome and I know that sometimes she can’t see that (just because sometimes teenagers don’t). I wouldn’t want it to become more than that (people can’t accept me because I’m LBGT).
Yep. Talking sex with parents is “great”. I have a hard enough time making sure she’s got enough supplies for her period.
Thanks everyone. I will be supportive and not push.
I’d recommend making it explicit – don’t merely imply it or assume she’s picked up on it – that you support the LGBTQ* community, but NOT putting her on the spot about her sexual orientation.
If she were both certain of her own identity and ready to be open about with family it then she presumably would have told you already. Push her on it now and you may get an answer that isn’t true (either because she’s confused or not ready to come out). This would put her in the awkward position of later having to come out AGAIN, and also likely feeling guilty about not being honest the first time. I’m not up to discussing my personal experiences, but I say this based on my own life and that of other people I know.
*There are several variations on this abbreviation, but LGBT and LGBTQ are probably the most common.
ETA: It took me a long time to write this post (I’m having wrist problems), and got ninja’ed by Sunny’s followup.
Some are rolling their eyes at Fretful Porpentine for saying her preferences might be flux but she could well be right. At 13 some kids have it nailed down and others are experimenting. Don’t prejudge your daughter because your sexual awakening did not include any same sex inclinations. Kids, especially girls, may take a winding path to their sexual destination.
I guess I’d play it very light for now and let her know through conversation about sexuality in general that you are OK with whatever choice your children make vs “I’m OK with you being a lesbian”.
If your husband is on your accepting wavelength tell him. If he’s not I’d let it go until her direction is established for sure or otherwise it may be causing family drama unnecessarily.
I think my instinctive reaction is to the “especially girls”. I am bristling a bit at the notion that feminine sexuality is somehow more malleable. This idea I see repeated that women are lesbian by choice or that it’s something they do for fun when they’re young but drop later when they’re ready to settle down. It strikes me as dismissive or as if being a lesbian is somehow pretend.
Yes, I think I’ll continue to be supportive and probably let sleeping dogs lie as far as my husband goes.
I agree with astro, and I do have some experience with this - one of my daughters has a girlfriend. But I think the more relevant experience is in raising a bunch of girls, and being hesitant to completely accept any labels or, say, alternative lifestyles they might choose for themselves in middle school. Or not, as the case may be, as the daughter in question had crushes on boys in those days that seemed pretty legit. :shrug:
She’s an adult now, I don’t have a label for her and don’t feel that it’s my place to give her one. She can decide that for herself.
I have become quite fond of the “QUILTBAG*” version of the acronym because I can actually spell it and I know I’m not leaving anything out accidentally while typing.
I’m female, and speaking from personal experience, given that my first crushes were Princess Leia and a girl named Amanda who sat next to me in eighth grade. (The latter being a sort of love-hate thing, since she was so infuriatingly perfect with her corkscrew curls and her neatness.) I’d say that most of the female friends I’ve discussed this with in adulthood have had similar experiences, although that’s an admittedly small sample size. I admit that I have no idea whether it’s common among boys or not. (It would not surprise me to learn that it is, but there’s too much social pressure against admitting it.)
More seriously, I tell her I love her and support her all the time.