Looking for advice from gay/bi-sexual 'dopers on this one. Let’s say you have a child who has come to his or her mother saying that they are bi-sexual. YOU, don’t have a real issue with this, but your wife (or husband) does, due to religious concerns. In addition, both your extended family (father, mother, uncles, aunts, etc) and her extended family would also have issues with it, if they ever found out.
So, to paraphrase from Speed, what do you do…what do you do? You can talk to your wife/husband, and perhaps talk him/her down from their concerns, but do you encourage your child to confront the extended family with their sexual orientation, to hide it…or simply not to bring it up, since it’s really not anyone’s (um, fucking) business what you do in bed or with whom? My inclination is the latter (this is all hypothetical, of course…wink wink, nudge nudge) would be the best option, but what say you gay or bi-sexual 'dopers? You’ve gone through, perhaps, similar choices and perhaps faced similar trials…or, maybe not, and it’s no big deal. What advice would you give about coming out to The Family (or Families I guess in this case)? Come out and let the chips fall where they might? Just not talk about it? Openly hide it?
Thanks in advance…hope I’m not stirring up painful memories for anyone, but this seemed a good place to get this sort of advice.
I used to know someone who was in that exact situation a few years back. And I asked another message board what their advice was. They suggested that she talk to PFLAG. Instead she just came out with it. Surprisingly, her father was totally cool with it. But her mother flipped out. She completely denied it, saying that it was just a phase. Her objection was not so much religious, but “What will people say?”
Eventually she came to accept it, and welcomed her daughter’s partner into her life. She even considered her daughter’s partner’s son to be just as much her grandson as she did her own daughter’s kids. (All three were adopted.)
Useless advice, really, i’m afraid, but; it depends on the family and the child. Is this the kind of family who’ll tolerate things so long as it’s never brought up? Will they be getting at the kid at every opportunity? Go the full hog and arrange an appointment for an ungaying therapy? Likewise, there are kids who can deal well with pressure and ones that can’t. I don’t think there would be anything wrong with encouraging a child to keep shtum if they were particularly fragile and you suspect the family wouldn’t take it well - on the other hand, such a kid could well be encouraged if the reaction is, if still negative, at least not the most horrible in the world. Though of course in that kind of situation you’d need to expend an extra effort in making sure the kid understands that it’s not his/her fault or responsibility for the ruckus, but the families’.
Families aren’t all necessary monolithic, either. Some of my family know i’m bisexual. Some of them don’t, and the reasons for not telling them range from “Well, it’s not really any of your business” to “i’d rather not have to put up with the inevitable jokes” to “if I told them everyone would know within an hour” to “they’d consider me some kind of pervert”. But i’m happy enough with who knows and who doesn’t; I don’t personally feel a need to let everyone know, which some people do.
Really, i’d say the best first step is talking to them without agenda. Don’t push anything. Give them someone to talk to about it - sometimes what you plan and what you plan after talking with someone can be incredibly different even if the other person was just acting as a sounding-board. Bear in mind that you might not have any experience with this particular issue, but you do with them on other matters that are personal, on how they think and react; you have experience with them. If they’re coming to you in the first place, assuming that it’s not just because you’re their only option, there must already be some trust and respect there. Offer advice based on the people involved and, above all, be honest about why you’re offering the advice you are. A kid might well be hurt if you say that their family will act badly - but they’ll be much more hurt if you advise them not to say anything and don’t give them a reason.
I had a child who identified as bi at ten years of age. It seemed really young to me to be that self-aware sexually, but who knows? I supported Kid and encouraged talking to siblings (one of whom identified as bi but at an older age), but disallowed talking to same-age friends or at school about it, because I felt that age group may not be ready to discuss ANYone’s sexuality, among other reasons. Never got to the point of extended family as Kid balked when it came up again. My feeling has always been limited openness…sexuality is not necessarily anyone’s business but your own, but you have zero to hide or be ashamed of. A lot depends onthe kid and the family.
If anyone figures it out and confronts her, she should basically respond with “Yeah, so, what’s it to you?” She shouldn’t hide it, but she shouldn’t bring it up for no reason either.
Most of my extended family knows that I’m gay. There is one (paternal grandmother) who may or may not, but it’s simply not worth discussing with her. I figured they either knew or they didn’t and it really didn’t matter unless my partner was there or our relationship was part of the discussion.
Lying is incredibly stressful and takes a deep toll on people. And while in theory who you date is nobody’s business, in reality dating and relationships are a part of everyday conversation- especially in a family. A normal conversation can end up with dozens of fleeting references to romantic life, and to a kid who feels like they have a dirty secret, each and every one of them is going to sting. It’s eventually going to make you stressed out and unhappy all the time having to manage this secret that is taxing your integrity.
It’s usually better to get things out in the open and let the chips fall as they may. Most families come around eventually.
Thanks for all the replies…really appreciate it. I’m on the road atm, so just going to hit the high points real quick, but hopefully I’ll be able to follow up this weekend.
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Both extended families are not what you’d call tolerant…both are Catholic, and neither is particularly tolerant of anything out of what they would consider ‘normal’ (for that matter, my wife’s family wasn’t particularly thrilled with ME as prospective husband material, due to various things ranging from the fact that I’m Hispanic, to the fact that I don’t have a ‘real’ job…i.e., a blue collar job doing manly type things, to the fact that I actually, glup, let my wife WORK!!).
I’m actually not sure, but my guess is that my own extended family would constantly be trying to change the kid, to ‘fix’ the problem. That was what they did when I didn’t exactly embrace the church or God and I would bring up stuff about evolution…they would constantly nag and pick at me, to try and get me to change, to conform. I have no idea what my wife’s family would do…probably ignore it while maintaining an air of disapproval. And talk and gossip behind their hands.
I appreciate the responses from everyone…I know this could be painful. To me, it doesn’t matter…I honestly don’t care what my kids sexual orientation is, nor do I want to dwell on the thought of them having sex with ANYONE, whether of the same or a different sex. Totally yucko (like thinking of your parents having sex :eek:). My wife has a bit of an issue, but I think it’s mainly because she doesn’t want our children to be hurt, and this is certainly something that others, especially family could hurt you on. I’m leaving it up to my son as far as whether to bring it up or not bring it up…or even to ‘lie’ about it (being bi-sexual can make it so you give the ‘right’ impression, I suppose). Knowing my kid, I’d guess he will take the keep quiet approach, since he is pretty quiet and not very social, but it’s really up to him. What I was looking for in this thread is the opinions of 'dopers who had gone through this sort of thing, and what they thought would be good advice for someone about to go through it.
Well, that’s hardly a kid! I know het’s who were parents with 4 kids of their own by that age.
My opinion: they should be ‘out’, but don’t make a big point of ‘coming out’. But never lie, either. You don’t need to be discussing your sex life with relatives. But if a relative asks about dating, they should just answer truthfully. If that makes if obvious that they are gay/bi, so be it. If the relative doesn’t like it, too bad – if you don’t like the answers, don’t ask nosy questions.
As far as relatives trying to ‘fix’ your kid, you should concentrate on supporting your kid so he/she* can stand up for himself/herself* and deal with it. They’ll have to deal with lots of situations in life where they need to be self-reliant, so this is a good thing to learn. Build up your child’s personality, so that they can withstand the criticism of others, rather than trying to insulate them from it.
(Of course, you could also take steps to try to get your relatives to mind their own business. It’s easier for you to talk, bluntly, to people your own age than for your kid.
And brothers & sisters can and do speak plainly to each other!
Having to write like this is annoying as hell. Why can’t you just say if this is a boy or girl kid, instead of this stupid vagueness?
I did…he’s a ‘he’, if you missed it. I was trying to be vague in the OP as some of those relatives know I post on this board, but then I decided ‘fuck it, and fuck them’ and just started giving some details.
Your son is testing out his mother’s reaction by presenting her with bisexuality, which he thinks will be easier for her to accept than the fact that he is gay (a belief that is not without justice according to your description). So it is important that she be accepting and that you are supportive of your wife. One reason she may have misgivings is that she is also worried about how the extended family will react, and your support can help her negotiate that.
As to the reactions of your extended family, they’re not going to care that much. They’ll either accept it or not, but I doubt it going to change the status quo very much. I mean think about it, how much mental energy do you spend on the topic of your cousin’s sexuality and romantic life—not very much, right?
I was all about to post advising caution about coming out publically because a child probably cannot fathom the full consequences of that, and are they sure they understand what bisexual even means.
But yea 19 is not a child and they know fully what they are doing, why are the parents even involved?
Because at 19, while legally competent to do various things, is something other than knowing fully what one is doing and because by “child,” xtisme means his son or daughter (i.e.,, his child … recall that he originally did not want to include too much identifying information). And xtisme’s kid and spouse are right now processing this disclosure.
Parents are usually among the first people someone comes out to, I’m a little perplexed you find it so incredible.
19 years old changes things, you made it sound like he was still a minor. 19 is definitely old enough to be thinking and talking about sex and dating and to tell nosy relatives to buzz off. Depending on how much time he sees these relatives, he might not have to lie about anything. Are they avoidable?
I usually wouldn’t say lie, but that depends on if he’s someone who enjoys and gets a kick out of picking a fight. If he’s not that type, keeping one’s mouth shut isn’t necessarily bad. Any inquiries as to his sex or dating life can be brushed off or a brief reply.
