Hi all, just another confused teen seeking the help of those who know better.
I’m a sixteen year old boy who thinks he is gay, but is not sure. You see, I know that I like other boys, but every time I see a girl, there is something inside me that,oh I don’t know, does see them as objects of beauty. I think that I look to my own gender for sexual arousal, but turns to a girl to get emotional solace. When I go out, I like to look at boys, but when a gorgeous girl walks by, I do look at her, but not in a sexual way.
Anyway, I have been thinking that I should come out to my family, but the problem is, mine is a muslim one. I do not think that my parents will try to kill me, as we do not live in one of those hardline Islamic fundamentalist countries, but I’m still scared all the same. CAn anyone give me any tips?
( I think I want to marry and have a family in the future, so I don’t know if coming out is the best thing to do. Also, I do not consider myself muslim anymore.
That would make you gay, and not bisexual. If you were bi, you’d be sexually aroused by both genders to some degree.
As for the coming out part, that would probably be better asked in the IMHO forum, as it is for asking for opinions, whereas this forum (General Questions) is for asking questions with factual answers.
WHY the hell would you want a family?, your only 16…, take your time and don’t focus so much on what your gonna be - your growing up really fast already.
I’m 34 and I don’t have a wife…, I’d love a family but I can’t afford it, I have a girlfriend, and could probably find a boyfriend in a flash if I was gay.
I was a perverted little kid to - we loved playing doctor when we were kids, I may have taken it a step or two further from time to time but so what - I don’t think I’m gay.
Have you heard about some of the conspiracy theories then?, like how all non-gay men have homo-phobic tendencies which are just underlying gay tendencies or something to that nature…
Its not that big of a deal, if you wind up being gay and your able to get away with it without to many emotional setbacks from your family then more power to you, however if your culture despises it then be careful.
I agree with Joe… if you were bi or straight you’d look at girls in that “wow… look at that” way. Or mabey you haven’t seen a girl who floats yer boat. I’m unsure.
I would wait on coming out to your family though… make sure that’s what you want… and if it is, there’s nothing to feel ashamed about or anything you have to hide from them… I’m sure they will accept whatever choice you make.
Where the hell did you get that this kid is perverted?:dubious: Just because someone is or in this case might be gay doesn’t make them a pervert.
Anyway as to the OP. I think I would hold off on the whole comming out bit for awhile becuase you are still realitively young and still going through puberty. When you get older you might find the whole liking boys bit was just a phase and it would be a shame to have gone through all that turmoil for nothing.-- And hey, when you do get older and you find out that you do indeed like the boys than thats great too plus you’ll be in a better position to talk to your parents as well. By that I mean you’ll be better able to defend your actions as an adult than you would as a teenager.
Not that anyone should have to defend their own sexuality, but thats a whole n’other thread anyway.
I wouldn’t have answered except for the Muslim aspect of your question. Maybe the Gay and Lesbian Arab Society (GLAS) could answer your questions about coming out.
In my opinion, which is far from being doctrine in ANY sense, you are mostly gay with some bend toward women. Time, and introspection, will tell you who you are; best we can do is help, and might I humbly submit that telling DariSingapura he’s a perverted little kid is NOT the way to do this?
For the record, I’ve wanted a family since I was four, and I don’t recall being any more perverted as a kid or teenager than anyone else.
I was more than slightly scared to tell my father about myself. He is a monk. He had and has no issue with me (my oldest sister was not quite as passive about this).
IMO you do not need to label yourself as gay or bi or queer or whatever yet, or possibly at all. I am not perfectly bisexual by any stretch, but I identify as bisexual because I am attracted (in unequal amounts) to both genders. More specifically, I think, I am attracted to humans regardless of genitalia (and oh, how genitalia can be a fun little toy). From your post, it seems to me as though you are mostly gay, but then you may tomorrow find The Woman of Your Dreams. Or you may find The Man of Your Dreams. I certainly have no earthly idea.
I would, myself, hold off on telling your parents until you are more certain about what label, if any, you wish to apply to yourself. I would also be looking for some sort of support network where you go to school and also be slightly wary of those who might make new effort to make your life more difficult than it needs to be.
Email’s in my profile, though it’s been wonky of late. THere are many folks around here who know more about islam (I would not be prepared today or tomorrow to debate the Koran’s stance on sexuality; my guess is that there are more than a few folks on this MB who could do so quite academically) than I do, so from that point of view I am not of much help.
Many young people find genuine attraction to the same sex that may or may not continue into their adult lives. I agree with the others that say if you’re not sure what your sexuality is, you may want to hold off on coming out and explore who you are for a bit longer. If only so that you’re confident in expressing yourself when you do come out.
I think you guys are missinterpretting toysarefun. Although he didn’t express it, I have a feeling he was talking about playing doctor with kids of the same gender and still “taking things a bit too far” every now and again, and how that doesn’t determine his sexual orientation. He’s not calling DariSingapura a pervert, he’s pointing out “Just because you have some curiosity/take notice of girls doesn’t mean you’re sexually attracted to them,” and thus trying to help DariSingapura make a better assessment of his own sexuality.
I would agree that you sound more “gay” than “bi”. I know a lot of gay men that find women attractive and absolutely love breasts, but the concept of having sex with a woman is just “icky”. I’m a big fan of photography, and can look at male nudes and see the beauty in the form, but sexually, men do nothing for me. Just because you can recognize attractive people doesn’t mean you’re attracted to them.
Also, I would also hold out on coming out to the family for a couple of years. Get out of the house and off to university, have a few experiences and get a feel of the lifestyle to make sure this is who you are. Once you’ve fully accepted that, then come out to your family.
Also, where does it say that just because you’re gay you can’t have a family? Adoption’s a great option, you know.
OK, I’m probably flame bait for asking this, but even after perusing the link on the previous post I am still at a loss to understand “coming out” in a formal manner. Why do it at all? I can maybe see letting family members in on it, just so they stop asking about grand kids, but how is it their or anyone else’s business? My people never even knew I had a GF until months after I got the news. I haven’t come out to any of my coworkers or friends that I’m straight because it’s none of their bloody business what I do with my parts. I’ve had friends fill me in that they were gay and really the only response I could muster was, “so?” I’m coming from the perspective that one’s sexuality is not even the majority of who that person is. Thus it makes as much sense to me as telling people other things about myself that are beyond my control: that I’m a Cancer or that I really like The Kinks, or that my cat’s breath smells like cat food. Granted, none of those things are likely to get me persecuted, but why should anyone care what I do with my stuff? Or whose stuff I’m interested in?
An appropriate time to reveal your sexual preference to your family might be when you find yourself in love enough to spend most of your free time with a significant other. If you feel the need to hold hands with your boyfriend/girlfriend on the sofa in front of your family: a prior announcement may be in order.
Until that happens, your proclivity towards looking at, feeling attraction to, or enjoying the company of another human (of either gender) is your own business.
If you feel the need to share uncertain feelings or ideas- speaking with close peers, message boards, chat rooms can be a great way to find yourself.
Dude, you are what you are. I started out straight, moved through bi and am now gay. It just happened, all by itself, over some 15 years. I don’t bother to come out but I do mention it if it comes up in conversation.
At 16 most people don’t know who they are so don’t sweat it. If you do want to come out, wait until you’re sure: there’s no hurry. As you’ve been considering the issue, you are probably more sure of your sexuality than you seem to imply.
The first and only person you need to come out to is yourself.
Because if it’s not open, then it starts feeling like a dirty secret. And living with a dirty secret sucks, especially when you’ve done nothing wrong. People talk about sex and sexuality all the time. And if you’ve got this big unspoken thing going on, thats going to be really uncomfortable. In most cases it is better to come right out and say it in the first place so you don’t have to do stuff like hedge around questions and wonder who suspects and who doesn’t and what they are thinkign about you and stuff.
Hi, thank you all for your replies. I think I’ll let me grow a few years more and see how things go along.
The reason I started this topic was because a few years back, I used to have crushes on girls, but now, I only look at boys. Does this have anything to do with me being in an all boys school?
Respectfully, if you feel dirty about your preferences, that’s your problem–how is coming out going to help you if you don’t have the strength of character to accept yourself for who you are? Is acceptance by others so important? That seems kinda shallow.
Why do you have to hedge around questions? Answers include “Yes; No; I don’t plan on making any babies, but I may adopt; why, yes as a matter of fact I am; etc.” Anyone at work who changes their treatment of you based on knowledge of your sexuality can become poor and/or unemployed. Anyone in real life who changes their treatment of you based on knowledge of your sexuality is not worth hanging around (unless of course, they are receptive).
I’m not being judgemental, I’m just curious because I openly discuss my sexuality with about 2 people in the world: my wife and my best friend (we oogle chicks at bars and giggle ala Beavis & Butthead when we escape our brides–it entertains us). Inferrences about what I like could be drawn in either direction based on my casual conversation and I’m not intentionally coy about it. Why not speak & answer truthfully and let others deal with what they figure out–no need to do their thinking for them.
It is possible. I’m what I call 60/40 bi - more toward the straight side, but not at all immune to the charms of women, both emotionally and physically. But put me in an all-women retreat situation for just a few days, and boy do women dominate my mind (and reactions). The degree of intimacy as well as the sense of comfort with them increases when you are together with just that gender. I could easily see how you’d respond more to the people (forms, pheramones) that are more comfortable and familiar. I had one friend in school who thought he had tended more toward gay because he was terrified of women (including pregnancy risks), not because he really had a strong preference for one over the other, gender-wise. For him, it was what was safer was more attractive. Could be similar, though different source - what is familiar is safer, so you notice/respond to it more…
It seems logical that you already had some wiggle room in your sexuality, if there was that much transition in your reactions - though transition over time also is entirely possible.
I think the advice to give it time is reasonable. And give yourself an opportunity to get to know at least a few girls pretty well as friends before you decide for sure and certain. Get something like the same degree of comfort dealing with women as with men, so you have the basis for comparison. Then let it roll from there.
The default assumption about sexuality is that people are straight. If DariSingapura is happy to be considered straight, and handle all that that implies, then stay as you are. You may find that the easy way to start with, but it so depends on the culture one lives in. People come out for various reasons, and I don’t think anyone should be forced to or be ‘outed’ by others if they don’t want to. When you know you are gay, then you may find that you need to come out, to your family, your friends, others important to you.
It’s not normally that one feels dirty about one’s preferences, but about holding a secret and allowing other people to make incorrect assumptions about oneself. It’s lying to others. Whether you can handle that or not is what can force you to come out or cause you problems if you don’t.