Am I wrong to think this? (Homosexual relative)

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m putting this in the pit just in case it’s flame-worthy. I realize I’m new, with a low post count, and so nobody is really going to know me, and this is a sensitive topic, but please believe that I’m trying my best here.

My younger brother (age 25) recently told me he was gay. I can’t say I was particularly surprised - he hadn’t really had any girlfriends growing up (which isn’t to say that that would mean he was gay), and just never really seemed happy. He’s very, very smart, but doesn’t relate well to people (he was a combination of nerdy and antisocial throughout high school and college, by his own admission). I only mention this because there was some family crap growing up, as well as a diagnosis of depression and/or bi-polar (he has been suicidal in the past), so I have no idea if his basic unhappiness is a result of the family crap, the mental illness, or his denial of his sexuality.

So, when he told me, my first response was relief mixed with happiness. I was so glad that he finally was opening up and willing to include me, instead of trying to hide. I also hope that this might be the key to some of his unhappiness, and that maybe he will now have a chance at love and happiness (he said he’d been denying his homosexuality to himself for a long time - that can’t be healthy or good for the self-esteem, right?).

On a personal level, I have absolutely no problems with him being gay - he doesn’t have a partner now, but when he does, I want to meet the man and make them both a part of my life. I made that very clear to him - he is always welcome to talk to me about this. (Mom’s in denial - she thinks it’s a “phase”, and Dad doesn’t know yet.)

On the other hand, there is a part of me that wishes that he weren’t gay. Not, not, NOT because I think homosexuality is wrong, or a sin, or icky, or anything like that. Rather, it’s because I think I recognize how HARD it must be. It seems to me like an uphill battle that I don’t want him to have to go through. This world is full of a buttload of intolerant assholes, and I don’t want him to be stigmatized, or made fun of, or harassed, or - God forbid - assaulted and maybe even killed because he chooses to love men instead of women.

And that is my question. Am I wrong to feel this way? I feel like such a coward, and maybe I should have a “fight the good fight, don’t let the assholes keep you down” attitude, but I can’t, I just can’t. I worry about whether he’ll be able to handle it if the situation gets intense (we live in the middle of the Baptist belt, by the way, if that gives you an idea of why I worry). Maybe it’s just the big sister thing, wanting to make it easier for him. And I sure as hell don’t want him dead (the recent thread about Matthew Shepard brought this to a head for me).

I definitely don’t think he should hide this, or not act on it, that’s not what I’m saying. If he’s gay, he’s gay - and that should be the end of the damn story. But, unfortunately, in today’s world, it’s not. And since he’s suffered from depression, I don’t know if his coming out will be liberating, or if the potential social pressures and threats will just make life harder for him.

If I’m wrong in wishing he weren’t gay (for the reasons listed above), please tell me - I absolutely want to clarify my thinking. But please don’t flame too hard - I truly mean no offense.

2

I don’t think it’s wrong to wish an easier life for someone you love. The thing to do now is to help him build an easier, happier life, taking into account and building upon his sexuality and other things that can’t be changed. And it sounds like you’re well on your way to doing just that.

3

Wanting the best for your brother isn’t being homophobic. It’s clear that your concern comes not from what your brother is, but from how society is going to treat him. Realizing that life can be substantially more difficult for gays is not homophobia, it’s simply facing reality. And if I may say so, having a sister like you is going to make his burdens all the easier to bear. Good luck to the both of you.

4

I don’t think it’s wrong to wish his life would be easier, either. However, there is something you can do to at least feel like you’re doing what you can in that regard.

Join PFLAG; help your brother in any way you can to get your parents to come to terms with the reality of the situation; if anyone makes anti-gay remarks in your hearing, object strongly to them; work with organizations that are trying to get equal-rights laws passed; write to your elected representatives and let them know that you believe in gay rights. Your brother can’t change who he is, nor should he have to try, but you and I and the rest of the people in this country who love someone who’s gay can surely work to change the culture we all live in.

5

Thanks for the kind words, Juniper200 and Miller. I was worried that my fears would be construed as disapproval, so I didn’t really feel that I had “safe harbor” to discuss this with friends/family. He’s going to get enough disapproval - I’ll be damned if anyone gets to think that any ounce of it is coming from me.

I think I’ll discuss it with him - not using the “I don’t wish you were gay” line, but rather asking if he’s thought about how he’ll handle any difficulties that come up once his homosexuality becomes public knowledge. Chances are, he’s already worked through that on his own and I’m the only one worried about it. Then maybe I won’t feel so bad about having these thoughts.

6

Thanks for the link, InternetLegend! I have it bookmarked, and I’m about to log off the Dope and find a chapter in my area.

7

You are a good brother, deborak.

8

I don’t think you are wrong to feel that way because:
[ul][li]You are able to coherently explain your resevations (not something that is typical of homophobes)[/li][li]You recognise that he has little choice in the matter (although you (probably unintentionally) used the term ‘chooses to love men’ - watch out for that)[/li][li]Your position is basically one of empathy.[/li][li]Your motive is to protect and support him (albeit from a completely naturally and justifiable bias as his sibling)[/li][/ul]

9

A good sister, friedo. And, yes, you are.

10

Deborak

Whatever destiny awaits your brother, he already is rich beyond measure because you are his sister. Give him our love, and tell him that for advice, encouragement, or merely listening, we all are here. God go with you.

11

I wish that all young people coming to terms with their sexuality had such caring and supportive siblings.

12

deborak,

I’m in agreement with what others have said here. You are not wrong. You care for your brother and want the best for him.

Coming out can be easy (It was for me.) or difficult; it all depends on the person and the circumstances. It will probably be liberating for him to be able to admit his feelings. Your acceptance of him will help beyond measure.

Your brother and I are lucky in that we both have really cool sisters.

All the best to both of you.

13

This is, FWIW, how my mother reacted when I told her I was bi. And while my mother is plenty faulty, this is the one place where I understand her reasoning.

Hugs to all of y’all:)

14

Back when I was just starting my dating life, my wise mother told me that there was nothing at all wrong with dating and/or marrying someone of a different race, religion, or nationality, but that if I did so, then I should be prepared for some societal fallout. She just wanted me to be cognizant of the realities of the situation.

There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling, deborak. Better you should be realistic and accept the fact that your brother might have some extra problems than to be all romantic and starry-eyed and then be all shocked by whatever negative things might happen.

I think it’s a good idea for you to share your concerns with your brother. He probably will need someone to talk to at some point, and it sounds like you are just the sort of loving and understanding person that he will need. And there is probably a little part of him that is wishing he wasn’t gay, just like you’re wishing he wasn’t gay. You can help each other deal with it. Groups like Pflag will help give you the information and support that you need. Also, check out the Ask the Gay Guy threads on here for a wealth of information.

Good luck, and I’ll agree with the others who say he is very lucky to have a sister like you.

15

You are a good sister. My sister cried when I came out. I thougth I broke her heart. She later told me it was because she was happy. She said she always wanted me to be her sister and asked when I would have a sex change. :rolleyes: She is much better now.

I too believe that you used the word “chooses to love men”
mistakenly. There is as much choice in being gay as there is in being straight. It’s not like all gay people are Eris worshipping Contrarians or anything like that. Most of us want to conform into society but with the appropriate person who will make us happy. I believe you see the difference.

Still, you are a great sister. I wish more families would act the same towards their siblings and children as you are to your brother. It would make coming out much easier. Your empathy is very commendable. It took him 25 years to come out to you and probably near as long to come out to himself. Coming out is oftentimes very difficult.

16

Jeez, I came out to my sister, and she said, “Well, duh!” :smiley:

deborak, yer adorable. Join PFLAG. Support your brother. Don’t bog him down with your concerns (my mother did that at first, and it got plenty annoying), but then again don’t not share your feelings with him. If you talk them out, it’ll help you both.

Esprix

17

I agree with the comments above. Deborak, the world would be a much better place if more people had the sort of attitude you show. Do be sure to let him know you’ve “got his back” – a sense of moral support from family seems to be something people coming out need badly. Insofar as you can, try to help your mother understand and accept his gayness; it sounds like she’s going to have problems dealing with this.

Oh, and because it’s the Pit, iampunha:

From one evening’s experience of meeting her, I would have to disagree! :slight_smile:

18

Poly, when you’ve known her 20 years, check back with me:D

19

A little regret because someone you care about is gay/handicapped/dark-skinned/dorkish/whatever is understandable, and does not indicate that you are intolerant. You love him, and you want others to love him, and you recoginze that social stigma makes both life and love more challenging.

I think you guys are bearing down too hard on this. Many people probably have no choice as to their sexuality, many probably do. And to paraphrase an excellent comment from Manda JO, which I can’t find right now: arguing that gay people have no choice as to weather they are gay implies that, if they had a choice, they would be straight. This reinforces the idea that being gay is the wrong or inferior option and it opens the field to those who claim (and with genetics advancing, this may one day be true) that they can “fix” homosexuality. Why not say he chooses to love men? After all, it’s okay!

mischievous

(And if the Baptists get after you, mention that they choose to love Jesus, and you wouldn’t think of criticizing this intensely personal choice)

20

One more gay guy… my mom was, like you, worried when I came out. It was the only thing she said that wasn’t 100% rah-rah. But I understood then - she’s a mom, worrying is her JOB. And it IS true that we face a lot of hatred. While understanding that you have to let your brother confront the world, i know that he’ll appreciate his sister looking out for him. He’s lucky to have you. Please wish him courage! on my behalf.