Well, my younger brother (22) e-mailed to tell me he is gay. We have talked about this before and he waffled back and forth on wether or not he likes boys or girls (or both.) I am supportive whatever happens, though I am not certain he really is gay. It is not that I am in denial; but he has Obessive-Compulsive Disorder. Obessive Compulsive Disorder runs in the family 
and I know first hand how it can make a person obessive over things like their sexuality and personality. I have advised for many years that he go to therapy to try to sort out these feelings. He said today that he wants to give therapy a try. That is good news. Right now though, he seems to want to “come out of the closet” at least to himself. He says he is accepting this part of his life and not fighting it. He does not want to tell our parents. He lives with them. He is afraid they will “kick him out of the house.” While I don’t see that happening, I do believe our father would say lots of hurtful things that would drive my brother deeper into depression. My brother is also afraid of telling friends and his boss. I know that he needs to speak with a trained professional about this, but want can I tell him in the here and now that will help. He seems happy about “coming out” though very anxious and depressed about what it will mean.
Well, your brother has already gone further than he planned in that he came out to you.
This is a very big question, and it’s absolutely great that you’re looking for support in dealing with it. I guess the main thing would be to respect the pace at which your brother wants to come out; make sure he’s always aware that you love him and you’re there for him whatever understanding he comes to about his sexual orientation; and educate yourself on gay and lesbian issues (such as by reading the (in)famous Ask the Gay Guy! sequence of threads).
If you wanted to do some legwork for your brother, you might try to find out if there are any therapists in your area who have a reputation for dealing well with sexual identity issues. Your local gay and lesbian organization might help out with this, or if you know any gay MDs or social service people or so forth, they might be able to ferret some out. The last thing your brother needs is to repose his trust in a therapist who turns out to have screwed up ideas about sexuality.
Good luck! I’m so glad your brother has a supportive sister to turn to. 
Remember, too, that it’s acceptable for him not to come out to your parents, if for no other reason than that it’s uncomfortable. Even I didn’t come out to my dad until almost a year after I knew, though I came out to my mom sooner. If he’s afraid that they could kick him out, that’s a good reason to keep it to himself – at least until he feels more secure.
Also, besides a therapist, he might also be able to use some links to the local gay and lesbian community. If there are support groups, social groups, bookstores, or other resources, I’m sure he’d be grateful at least to hear about them. Also, check out http://www.youth-guard.org/ for some great online services for gay and lesbian youth.
First, I’m more amused than I ought to be that this thread was started by someone called “Never to be Queen.”
Second, I, um, second matt’s advice about coming out as much as he feels comfortable. Not sure how OCD would have any effect on his sexuality but then I’m not a mental health professional.
url=www.pflag.org]Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays is a terrific resource for information on the decision to come out or not to other family members. I’m no fan of the closet under any circumstances but if the choice is to remain closeted or come out and risk home and employment then I can understand staying closeted.
None of my business of course, but could your brother perhaps be looking for his own place, so that he doesn’t have to stress about the idea of losing his home if he comes out or the possibility of his parents finding out accidentally?
Thank you Matt and Otto. My brother and I talked some tonight and he seems happy with his decision to accept his sexuality, though a bit frightened about the future. He lives in a small town. Asheville, North Carolina is nearby for him though so we are thinking about resources there. I asked him if he has read any materials on coming out and he reported that has has. I’ll point him towards those you mentioned.
Otto, he thinks about getting his own place. Then, he spends the money on other stuff. I will let him stay here a bit if he gets “kicked out,” though it would be best if he works on learning to save and finance a place of his own.
Anyway, I am off to do some reading.
(Hmm…why are people always saying stuff like that about my user name?) 
When you say he has OCD, do you mean he has fears about being gay that upset him but don’t make a lot of sense? Is he disturbed by intrusive thoughts about homosexuality? Does he engage in ritualistic behaviors to either prove to himself that he is gay or reassure himself that he is not?
I say this because my Mom had a patient as a case study who was straight as a rail, yet got it into his head at some point that he was gay. Rather, I should say, he was afraid that he was gay to the point that he was convinced he might be. Basically, if he came into contact with anything remotely suggestive of homoerotica, it set off alarms in his mind…“Did I look at the picture of the shirtless man on the billboard and feel aroused?” “That man is handsome…do I think he’s handsome because I’m gay?” “I had a fantasy (or did I just have a passing thought?) about fellatio…am I gay?” “I gave my guy friend a hug…perhaps I’m gay.” And so on. This plagued him with constant and mounting anxiety. Exposure to male bodies, attractive male faces, locker rooms, anything of the sort would bring up uncontrolalbe urges to “check” if he was gay or not. He would rent gay porn and straight porn and try to see which got him off. He’d spend hours trying to masturbate to internet porn to reassure himself that he was sexually aroused by women. Needless to say, being in a hightened state of anxiety, his sexual response was completely out of whack, and his ritualistic probing of his own sexuality often proved more confusing that reassuring. This simply led to more checking and such, until the affliction was debilitating. A long course of behavioral therapy and some temporary medicating helped him, and I guess he’s doing better.
Anyway, does this sound like your brother? Should he see a doctor/therapist? According to my Mom, it’s not that uncommon to have OCD and deal with “sexual obsessions”. Some parents, for instance, become convinced they might commit acts of incest with their children, even though the thought horrifies them. It’s a weird illness.
Loopydude,
Yes, it is a wierd illness. I am not certain the nature of the thoughts my brother has. I do know he worries often and deeply about being gay or possibly being gay. Other than that, I guess there are some things you just shouldn’t share with your Big Sister. 
Might just be a phase, and I don’t mean about him being Gay.
Might just be a phase to want to come out faster than he should.
I would tell him to hold off telling anyone else just yet…give it at least a week. He should really consider the options. For instance, this might be the time to get his act together and save some money so if your parents really did kick him out of the house, at least he would have some money saved up. By the way, it is great you are willing to put him up for awhile should that happen.
Also, while it is great you have been so supportive, others might not and is he prepared for the negative responses? Will it send him into a deep depression and will he then feel paranoid every time he says something at home or at work?
He might luck out and have everyone shrug it off as no big deal, but in case it winds up to be a big deal, he really should take this time to consider options. It is hard enough to come out, but living at home in a small town it is really no picnic. Word spreads fast and though not every small town is totally homophobic, there will be some name calling at the least.
My advice: Get Plan B in order before acting on Plan A.
This may not make any sense to you, NtbQ … hell, it may not make any sense to your brother, but here goes. One of the difficulties I’ve had since coming out is recognizing and accepting the fact that I don’t have to be attracted to every man on the planet (even if in some small way) to qualify as bisexual. We tend not to think “Oh, I’m not attracted to every woman”, but if you’re just discovering your sexuality and you think you’re gay or bisexual or whatever, it can get really difficult to nail it down if you aren’t consistently attracted to X type of person (or to all types, depending).
I eventually have come to a place where I understand that what matters isn’t the genitalia … (it’s more the face than anything, but that’s a separate issue, I think) it’s the person behind - er, on top of the genitalia. Oh, hell, you know what I mean. Your brother may be trying to figure things out based solely on physical appearances. If I were him, I’d avoid coming out to a possibly less-than-friendly person until he’s figured out enough of who he is that he can communicate it well. Right now is probably not the time to come out to someone who’s going to challenge (or worse) what you’re saying.
Holy shit, except for the fact that you mentioned this was a guy, I would have thought that your mom was my therapist! I was EXACTLY the same-that’s how I was diagnosed-this was the obsession that brought it to a head. I’m also completely straight, but I’d get freaked out because I’d see a girl who was pretty and think, “Oh gee, she’s really pretty!” and then freak out.
It was bad enough that I got to the point where I started wondering if the fact that I like collecting Barbies who are a.)female b.)attractive made me gay.
Yes, I’m aware of the absurdity in that. But that’s OCD for you-it doesn’t MAKE sense.
I am not knocking people being gay and needing to come out. That’s a very big thing and I salute you. But as someone who has OCD, I would advise you that your brother needs to concentrate on THAT right now, if he’s having an episode.
On the other hand, since you said he’s happy with the idea of being gay, then he probably is, since, well, if you’re not gay and you have OCD, you really don’t WANT to be, if you get what I mean.
I’d be happy to answer any questions about it and such.
I have a friend who realized she was gay when she was well into her 40s. I think she made a wise choice in living in this new identity alone for a while. Sort of a “curing” process, I guess you could say. She told her mother first, and then a handful of us girls, as she began to be more accustomed to her new awareness. She finally got around to telling her father, who she was very afraid of disappointing, and it all turned out cool. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that she used those early months to learn about herself and to sort out the how, who, and why regarding coming out. I think her transition went very well because of this. Your brother might want to just take some time to get to know himself in this new phase. Everyone else can wait until he’s on his own solid footing.
Not that the genitalia is all that matters to monosexual people.
This thread is better suited for In My Humble Opinion. I’ll move it for you.
Cajun Man
for the SDMB
As to being afraid to tell his boss…why would he do so in the first place unless he was sexually interested in his boss?
“Hey there, Lee. The new toner came in for the copier. And I’m gay.”
I’m certainly not suggesting that anyone be ashamed of their sexuality (unless it involves children or animals smaller than Clydesdale stallions), but I’ve never understood the desire (compulsion?) to share that with people who aren’t close family members or people that you may be attracted to.
“You’re gay? Great. You’re also two days late on the WEENUS report and if I don’t have it on my desk by 5:00 you can clean our your desk.”
plnnr: because people are regularly harassed and worse at work due to their sexual orientation. Further, there are plenty of US states (I note the OP is from Virginia) where firing someone due to their sexual orientation is perfectly legal.
Even in those states and countries where it is illegal, there are plenty of ways to get around it. My ex was accused of stealing from the till by his homophobic manager, and even though they had video of his entire shift proving that he didn’t steal a dime, they laid him off anyway.
Sorry, I missed the point of your post (I thought you meant why would he be afraid to do so).
The answer is that people talk about their social lives constantly at work, even in the most casual of ways (‘gotta go pick up my wife’; ‘kids had a recital this weekend’, etc.) I
Being out at work is not necessarily a matter of informing people you’re gay in so many words as it is of being honest in the same way that other people are honest (‘gotta go pick up my boyfriend;’ ‘spent the weekend in P-Town’).
Being in the closet at work can be a real hassle – when everyone is making the mildest of social chatter at lunch or over coffee, you can’t open your mouth for fear of making casual reference to the gender of people who are important to you.
I’m sorry, but I don’t follow your answer.
I’m aware that here in the US homosexuals aren’t a protected class under anti-discrimination laws (and it isn’t just in Virginia), but I don’t follow as to why that would suggest that I tell my employer I was gay. Wouldn’t it be a dis-incentive?
As an employer, it isn’t any of my business who my employees sleep with, and my sexuality (bisexual, thanks) is none of their concern. It isn’t a topic for the workpace, is my point.
We seemed to have simul-posted.
Like ships, passing in the night.
<cue melodramatic music>