During university I came out and successfully integrated into gay groups. I felt so free, open and fantastic. However as soon as I left university, it all changed…
FAST FORWARD 4 years later.
I’m in an inter-continental relationship. This is very hard in itself but we are devoted.
I moved to different places for my work and no longer have much of a support network. A few close friends know but they don’t live near me. I work in the STEM industry (science, tech, electro, maths). And so I’m surrounded mostly by married white middle aged men.
I’m in a position where I’m back in the closet and its absolutely suffocating me. I think I hide it well but the intuitive can tell I hold back somehow. I recently went on a corporate training weekend on communication skills/teamwork/etc. and the trainer who worked with our team took me aside and said “you know, you’re a great leader but I can tell you hide something back, you wear a mask but you wear it very well.”
At that point I felt my heart well-up and reach bursting point. I wanted to blurt out loud everything I had been holding back. The constant lying to new people, the constant hiding of who I am, I can never be totally truthful of who I am. When people talk about finding me a boyfriend I just nervously laugh back, when guys flirt with me I have to brush them off and come across as rude by either assuming they liked me or by being cold.
I realise that the more I avoid the question, the more difficult it is to come out as I dip and dodge any comments relating to sexualised spaces. I just don’t know what to do and I’m at my wits end. I chose to ask the Straight Dopians out there because I have lurked for a long time and realised this is one where a variety of people gather from all walks of life.
**TL;DR
Please someone tell me how to cope. Please tell me it’ll get better. I can’t get close to people because I’ve been wearing a numbing mask my whole working life.**
It gets better I think, though I’ve never been through it personally. It seems to me that tolerance is growing, and bigots are increasingly the ones who have to hide in closets. Are you afraid of coming out to your family … friends … coworkers? Presumably your SO is already in the know.
The rip-off-the-band-aid approach would be to “confide” in the most gossipy person of whatever group you want to come out to. Your task will be done before you know it, and you won’t have to worry about it.
It gets better. But not for a while. I’m still closeted to a few where it would affect my job.
But I promise, as you get older, you will give less of a shit.
In the short term, maybe a counselor to talk to? Does your new company offer services? I bet you really would feel better if you could blurt it all out, out loud, in a safe environment.
In that vein, it’ll get better as you make friends in your area and get to know your co-workers. I guarantee you that you are not the only gay person there.
Show up at the next Christmas party with a female date. Show up late when everyone has had a few drinks and walk in like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Introduce her as your friend. If someone says “I didn’t know you were gay!”, say something like “Well, somebody has to be the last to find out” and laugh it off. Within a day or two, nobody will be talking about it and they will have gotten on with life.
Welcome to the SDMB, WeAimToPlease. We put different kinds of discussions in different forums – threads asking for advice, as this does, go in IMHO, whither I have moved it for you.
Do you live in the US or another country? In a major city? Suburbia? Small town?
Traditionally, I’ve found STEM to be largely indifferent to people’s personal preferences of any kind and predominantly focused on how well you can do the work. Do your co-workers make explicit pro or anti-homosexual comments or is it just not discussed in the workplace?
Is there an active gay community outside of work that you are out to and that you can socialize around? Is there anybody else out at your workplace?
I live in a village 2 hour round trip to the nearest ‘city life’.
Greg Charles,
Woops, how could I forget, I even work in the Eng bit myself !
Although it’s not a homophobic environment, it’s still an environment where women are seen as weaker and having a place at home kind of thing. Microagressions against women are abound. Although my direct team seem fine, it’s a big organisation and it can get around quite easily.
Could you possibly avoid these specific situations by telling people you’re already in a relationship? (It is the truth, after all, you said you were in an intercontinental relationship.) Or are you afraid this would lead to people asking more questions about your partner and relationship?
I’m a middle aged white male in the tech business. Most people don’t give a crap about your sexuality. Those that do are often tremendously insecure or juvenile and unless they’re you’re boss, you don’t need to give a fuck about what they think. On the same side of that coin, even if they are your boss, they can get themselves in big trouble with any reasonable company by saying the wrong things.
When next someone talks about finding you a boyfriend, tell them your girlfriend won’t like that one bit!
It’s going to get better, but only after you are honest about yourself. Do it as soon as possible so you don’t stress yourself out with extra worrying.
This sounds like a good place to start. It seems to me that having a support system in place before you do anything that feels frightening is a good idea. A cheering section for life’s triumphs is a mighty fine thing.
I’m thinking that with some searching you would be able to find some listings of support groups in your area.
Some people jump in and others wade in. Maybe you can get ideas from others here abut what worked for them.
I don’t think people will care as much as you think they will. Are there narrow-minded asses left in the world? Yeah. Will they actively do anything to hurt/undermine/embarrass you? I don’t think so.
My BFF for about 25 years is a 50yo while male. He’s a cop on a small, southern, redneck force, and there’s no way he’s coming out. He only told me about 10 years ago, in a long rambling letter thanking me and my wife for being such good friends, and hoping that this revelation wouldn’t change our relationship. I told him the only thing it would change is the kind of porn I email him.
My 20yo son and 15yo daughter both know 3 or 4 gay kids in their age group, already out in high school. They couldn’t care less, and as time goes on, especially with your generation, it will become less of an issue, just like race, immigration, inter-racial dating and more.
Maybe a straight, 50yo white guy isn’t the arbiter of acceptance and reason that you are seeking, but we’re pretty common, and it sure doesn’t bother me any. I don’t know anyone who it would.
I know it’s a difficult situation, and I wish you luck.
I’m a very private person at work. I don’t ever talk about boyfriends, SO’s, children, or goings-on’s with friends. I talk about non-work related stuff, but little of it reveals much about my personal life. Only one person has really brought this up in a negative way, and this person is so obnoxious to me that frankly I don’t care what she thinks. Everyone else respects my aloofness and accepts me on my terms.
When I first started working at my current job, I felt like I had to create a new persona and be someone I’m not. I wanted to get along with everyone since I was dealing with so much newness and unpredictability and lack of self-confidence. Being “one of the gang” was important to me. So when the women would be sitting around chit-chatting about their latest celebrity crushes and they’d ask about mine, I’d throw out a random name and say the obligatory “He’s so hawt!” Just so that I could be “one of the girls”. When someone would ask if I had been on any hot dates lately, I would lie and say yes. Just so they wouldn’t think I was a loser. But then one day I stopped doing this crazy shit. It was making me sick inside. I also don’t think I was fooling anyone. I’m not a good liar.
So now, instead of lying all the time, I just choose to be private. I would much rather my coworkers know and respect me for my excellence as a scientist as opposed to my ability to hook up with a dude anyway. So far, I haven’t encountered any obstacles using this strategy. There’s something to be said for a little mysteriousness.
I would put up a picture of your girlfriend in your office/cubicle. If anyone asks who she is, you can tell them she’s your girlfriend. Let them figure out what kind of girlfriend you’re talking about.
I’m baffled as to why your sexual orientation or your sex life is an issue at work. When I go to work, I go to work. Not to socialize or discuss the intimate details of my life. I have been at the same job for nearly two years. In that time I have gone through some of the toughest times in my life. Most of the people I work with have no idea. Because it is my private life.
How is it “discussing intimate details of my life” when I mention that I am married, and to a woman? I never came out to my co-workers as straight, I don’t have to hide the fact that I am married and have two kids. These are not “intimate details” that I have to keep private, and neither is the fact that you have a girlfriend.
I don’t discuss my actual intimate details with people at work. I don’t talk about how often I fuck my wife, or what positions we enjoy, or whether she likes spanking or not. Those are intimate details. The fact that I have a wife that I live with and have children with is not private information.
If I were you, I’d just start saying, “Actually, I have a girlfriend already” any time someone tells you to go out with a guy. Some people might be rude about it, but most people won’t care these days.
Honestly, some of them have probably already figured it out.
I have read advice to straight people saying that they should never say things like, “Yeah, we already knew” when gay people come out to them based on the idea that it can be very traumatic for gay people to find out that they were not hiding it as well as they thought they were. However, I think it is pretty common that people have suspicions long before the person actually comes out.
I was chatting with someone I had worked with years ago, we were catching up on all the changes. She said “Joe came out of the closet, he’s got a boyfriend now.” I said, “I had no idea Joe was in the closet. Of course he is gay, who didn’t know that?”
When I came out to my mother her immediate response was “it is one thing to know, quite another to be told”. She got over it.
It sounds awful in that closet, coming out may be uncomfortable but you will find support and acceptance from some quarters immediately, more as time goes on and it will be for you, not your mask. It is never going to get better locked up in there.
Start with HR or your boss if you think you may need protection at work
Why did you feel the need to go back in the closet after school? Other than being out of school did something change?
If you were happier in the open or out of the closet then find a way to get back. There is some good advice here on how to drop hints to let people know that you’re gay.
Most might not care…and those that do, well you don’t have to be close to them.
Go to HR if there are serious problems.
I know it is easy for me, and others to say, but hiding in a closet is hard work and doesn’t help anyone - especially yourself.
You don’t have to wear a Rainbow Flag, but when the subject comes up, simply mention you have a girlfriend and leave it at that.
Oh sure - there will be the few people who think this is some great juicy piece of gossip and spread the word. And there might even be a few who are shocked or are blatantly homophobic. Sorry - but they can go fuck themselves.
I think you will find the vast majority don’t really care.
Others will think it is cool and will mention they too are gay or have a brother or sister or whatever - and it will not be an issue.
You mention you are from an ethic minority - chances are you have run into a few bigots along the way and you are still doing just fine, right?
Well - it is the same process; be yourself, ignore the assholes, and eventually it will become a non-issue.
BTW - if this SHOULD be an issue with job promotions or other things in the workplace - well, maybe this is not a place you should be working anyway.
You only have once chance to lead your life as you choose, and be happy - don’t let anyone put up any roadblocks in the goal!
2 hour round trip to the nearest ‘city life’.