If you are willing to keep living your life like this that’s cool and good luck to you. If you would rather your life was different do something different. It will either work out fine, which is great, or it won’t. If it doesn’t go back to step one.
What made you decide to wear the mask?
I also work in the STEM industry. I know plenty of colleagues who are gay. Sure, there are the occasional people that titter and gossip, but frankly, they titter and gossip about everything and anything. The vast majority of the people I work with really don’t give a shit about other’s private lives.
I just wonder if you are underestimating your colleagues’ ability to deal with your sexuality, and making yourself miserable in the process?
Think about the upside to coming out: you’re giving people the opportunity to show their true colours.
If someone turns out to be a bigoted arsehole then you don’t have lunch with them. And maybe someone else, someone of whom you’re not expecting it now, will also quietly decline lunch with them.
How nice it might be, to see people surprise you. The homophobes are not worth your time anyway, and they weren’t to begin with. Now you know who they are. But now you get to know who the really great people are!
One of my cousins (in law) was very nervous to come out to my very traditional, religious grandfather (in law). When she did, he looked at her for one second and said: “If you are gay then there can be nothing wrong with being gay. I love you.” It was so cool to see that someone you love and admire truly is as great as you thought. He overcame a lifetime of conditioning in that one second through love for his granddaughter, what an epic man!
You’ll have colleagues like that. Some people who don’t really care, which is good. And some people who show you who they really are, for better or worse. Don’t underestimate people. And statistically, you can’t be the only one in a big organisation. Who knows who you might empower? (It’s not your responsibility, I would add, but could be a positive side effect.)
Unless you have something to further this thread I reported you for threadshitting…
What? What part of what gracer said is threadshitting?
WeAimToPlease, I am a gay woman so certainly understand the fear of coming out. I also understand that the longer you leave it, the bigger deal it becomes in your mind, which I imagine is what is causing you so much anxiety - it has become this huge monster in the room for you, but importantly not for anyone else.
I think this is something that straight people often fail to appreciate; they are all ‘what’s the big deal? Nobody cares?’. But then, they’ve never been rejected by friends or family, or been the subject of gossip at work, which isn’t exactly fun. You’re also still quite young, when people gossiping seems much more important than when you get older.
But I will say this. Most people don’t want to behave like a homophobic idiot at work. And most people just want to know you are someone who will have their back in a given project. I have always found the best way is not to make a big announcement about it but, when people give you the opportunity (by asking about your partner, or asking what you did at the weekend) then just say it, without drama.
For example, someone asked me the other day if I was married. I just said ‘no, I live with my girlfriend’. They apologised for being presumptuous, and that was that. They have now invited me to go to dinner with my girlfriend, and the pressure to come out has been immediately released.
The longer you let it simmer, the worse it gets.
As regards the subtle sexism at work you have described, whereby some colleagues think women should probably be at home with the kids. Funnily enough, this is where being a gay woman might work in your favour, as your colleagues might now see you as ‘one of the boys’.
I will second (or third or umpteenth) the idea that, unless you have specific reasons to believe that your colleagues or bosses are homophobic, you should go with the “picture on the desk” route. No announcements, no big scene, just play it cool and you may be surprised how cool your co-workers play it. And if the trainer knows you’re holding something back, chances are a few of your colleagues can tell too.
On the other hand, it’s probably a good idea to check up on HR policies in the event one of your co-workers is a total dick about it. It only takes one to ruin your day.
And on another note, I can’t for the life of me figure out who is supposedly threadshitting here either.
Sorry Gracer…there was another post that was very bad before you had posted.
I did not report nor do I have any issues with Gracers post.
Most of the responses seem to assume that you are living in the USA or a country with similar cultural attitudes. Is that assumption correct?
The “I don’t think my gf would like that” route is one I’ve seen used to no negative consequences. Well, unless you consider “nosy/bossy coworker the color of a ladybug’s coat” as a negative consequence.
The most homophobic coworker I’ve had (in fact the only one who didn’t cut the crap after being told it was not acceptable) was a Filipina uglier than a mandril’s butt who didn’t just hate gay men but any man that wasn’t susceptible to her nonexistent charms. That means she hated all men and merely chose different insults based on personal traits. Now that I think about it, she also hated any woman who didn’t jump on her bully-wagon, which includes… oh, all but one of those who worked in our same building?
WeAimToPlease, I came out 50 years ago this month, back when there was no such thing as “out.” And there was no such thing as “gay.” The world was one huge closet, and I thought I was the only one to escape from it. But in time it got better.
But it’s up to you, whether in fact it gets better. If you just shed your armor, you’ll find that you never needed it after all. And in spite of the ass holes, you’ll find that people today are much more tolerant than 50 years ago. And you’ll also find that you’re not the only one. And you’ll also find that other people may even have guessed about you.
You’ve already been out in college, and I agree it’s easier there. But now you’re in the “real world,” except that for you it’s become a prison. But it doesn’t have to be. Just keep remembering how free you felt in college, and that you can have that freedom again.
The problem, of course, is that everyone’s circumstances are different. None of us can really fix this for you, we can just support you and offer suggestions. Beyond that, it’s up to you. But please remember that it really can get better, and please let us know how it turns out for you.
Fuck 'em. There’s nothing to your “secret” and if they can’t handle it, that’s their problem.
Signed, a middle-aged white man.
(ETA: Yes, I’m assuming you’re in the USA. If not, my advice may not apply. But still… fuck 'em.)
Do you live in a country where homosexuality is punishable by law? If you’re in the US, it’s pretty safe to just casually reference your girlfriend (as long as you don’t live in the deep south). Anyone who doesn’t like it can deal with it.
Indeed the tack I’ve taken at the moment is that I don’t mention I’m in a relationship because the thought of having to say 1) gay 2) very very very long-distance might be a double whammy that is hard to get (why is it hard to get? I’m not sure, perhaps I don’t believe people will see my relationship is valid)…
…Which leads me to the next comment:
I probably am underestimating my colleagues and it’s part of my naturally cautious nature I think. And yes it is making me miserable now.
Indeed, part of the thing that constantly reminds me I’m in the closet is that my colleagues always talk about their partners and families as part of bonding chitchat and I cannot participate (at the moment).
Being out of school and moving away from everyone who knew I was gay meant I was suddenly around all new faces all new people who didn’t know I was gay. That automatically made me hesitant to be so open about my sexuality as I hadn’t sussed who was trustworthy or not.
You’re right, I do okay on the ethnic front. I suppose I have it in my head that more people are accepting of different races and improving on homosexuality but still not quite there yet. I guess also my race is a lot more blatant visually whereas my sexual preference is not obvious through my appearance.
You make very very good points Gracer. I guess I wish there had been someone ‘before’ me who’s done the trailblazing so that I’d have a better perception of people’s feelings towards homosexuality. The thought of being the Trailblazer myself would be… interesting…
Thank you to everyone who’s commented. It’s been really comforting to see some other perspectives to help unwrap me from my anxiety. Some of your perspectives have really aided in building my courage. More feedback is always welcome and it is my definite intention to return to this thread once I have made more headway on coming out at work.
PS. I’m in Europe!
Please tell me this portion of your mostly work-related post is unrelated to your job. I can’t imagine what kind of “sexualized spaces” should be discussed by co-workers. Even marital/relationship status should not be sexualized in the workspace. (Unless, of course, you work for my ex-GrandBoss, who appears to have been born with no brain-mouth filter. If that’s the case: she’s harmless.)
On re-reading your post a few more times, it occurred to me that your thread title says that you’re very scared, but nothing in your post illustrates just what it is that’s scaring you. So: what, exactly, is it that you’re scared of seeing or having happen to you? (You don’t have to answer us in this thread, of course, unless you want to do so. Just answer it to yourself for now.) Being the butt of homophobic jokes? Being passed over for promotions? That tattletale in accounting gossiping behind your back? Something more? Something less?
Obligatory linky. Seriously, a great deal of the IGB Project can apply to anyone who’s feeling isolated, socially or otherwise, for whatever reasons.
Oh, and welcome to the boards, WeAimToPlease. 
The people who work there that are my age can actually be very crude in the way they talk about sex, openly at the watercooler too. Even if I was straight, I don’t partake in that sort of convo anyway.
And the bit that I bolded, all of it. I’m scared of all of it. Career-wise we all know that promotions are a mixture of good work and being liked. What if someone higher-up is personally anti-gay, I wouldn’t want anything to act as a further discriminator on being chosen for promotions.
I don’t know why I have this aversion to people gossiping. It’s the thought of my persona being completely out of my control. I think the thought of being the butt of stereotypes is something that’ll really grind my gears. I get many stereotypes for being a woman in a man’s world anyway, god knows if I have to put up with gay remarks too.
Thank you for the welcome
If you tell me you’re in one of the countries with SSM I’m going to come over and hit you with the biggest pillow I can find 
You can’t stop the malicious gossip. I’m white (by Southern European standards), female, straight, a Catholic who’s lived most of her life in theoretically-Catholic-majority locations and rumors reaching me about myself include:
- dating a male coworker who according to the same shitmouth had been gay just the previous week,
- gay, because evidently the university’s cooking club was a lesbian orgy,
- gay because any woman who reaches the age of 40 unmarried has to be gay
- gay because my hair is short (like that of most women my age) but undyed (unlike that of most women my age)
- thinking of becoming a nun
- an actual nun
- an ex-nun
- Opus Dei (I’m allergic to them)
- a murderer
- a terrorist
Nava, your post made me chuckle but I promise it’s not at your expense. The stereotypes do no favours for anybody…
What’s SSM?
Same-sex marriage. Sorry, I’m so used to using the acronym around here I forgot to spell it out.
And you can chuckle at my expense, chuckles are good for your health.
So, Nava, tell us more about The Lesbian Orgy Cooking Club.
And…band name!
W AimToPlease,
I agree that a low key approach to letting your co-workers know is the best way. I am amazed at the simplicity of the ‘My girlfriend would not like that.’ line.