Gay Dopers: how do you come out at work?

In My Humble Opinion
1

One of my favorite things about my current position is that I’m completely open about being gay. I actually came out during my interview because, this being a small and somewhat backwoods southern city (and since I had a job at the time that I could stand) I flat out asked “do you anticipate this being a problem?” It was really nice everybody knowing from the get-go and not having to tell people piece-meal.

I’m about to move to a new, much larger space and I have to do the whole “coming out” thing again. This is always irritating: come out too soon and people think you have no identity outside fo gayness, wait a while and it’s the continual match-making attempts with and not-so-subtle flirting from straight women. Any suggestions for ways I can hasten the “he’s here/he’s queer/and I think he works on the second floor” information dissemination?

(There may be people, both gay and straight, who read this and wonder “Why do you care if your co-workers know?”, which is a valid question, but I think there are others who’ll understand that while it’s not the alpha and omega of your being it is important and there’s never a really good time to bring it up.)

2

A straight guy here, trying hard not to hijack this thread too much :slight_smile:

At my work, I belong to a committee which promotes diversity, and I’ve been on it for a bit more than a year, so we recently had a meeting where everyone introduced themselves to the new members. At that meeting, I was interested (but I guess not all that surprised) when two people that I’ve known for some time now identified themselves as being gay. So … perhaps you don’t need to come out at work, unless for one reason or another it’s relevant to the situation.

(And in a previous job, I knew someone very well for about 20 years, not knowing if he was straight or gay, and really never being sure about it until he finally got married. To a woman.)

3

I’m not “in” at work, nor am I “out”. My friends at work know, most of the people I work directly know from conversations I’ve had about outside life, and there’s a picture of my boyfriend and I on my desk. If someone asks, I tell 'em. I’m the same way with being left-handed too. I try not to make it a big deal so that others don’t make it a big deal. And in my opinion, none of it should be a big deal. On top of that, the company I work for does not allow termination based on sexual orientation.

However, the previous company I worked for, things were a bit different. I was there for about 2 years before it came up. I was having a conversation with a co-worker. He asked. I said. I headed out on my planned vacation the following week to see some friends in Austin, TX and when I got back my desk was packed up. It turns out that I forgot to pay the company’s visa card which resulted in an unacceptable late fee of $15.00. I had to be terminated. Now, one might assume that that was coincidental to my coming out at work. I’m not so sure. :rolleyes:

4

I’m hetero, but this was going to be my suggestion. Neither intrusive nor subtle.

5

Except for the not so subtle grammar mistake. “…of my boyfriend and me…”
:smack:

6

My favorite approach to this that I’ve seen was- the closeted lesbian asked her friends at work for how to come out. She asked in a tone that assumed that of course WE already knew this… no one mentioned that they didn’t.

“So, guys, I’m trying to figure out a good way to come out of the closet a bit at work without making it into a big issue. Do you have any suggestions?”

“What? Oh. Um… well, you could try…”

It was surprisingly effective.

7

I’m out at work. I came out thusly: the secretary casually asked whether I had a girlfriend, I said, “Nope, but I have a boyfriend.” Quick, not too awkward, and soon most of the office knew. (Then again, this is London, where most everyone has got the gay. ;))

**Giles:

**Maybe not, but it certainly makes life easier. Being gay isn’t usually relevant to one’s work, but relationships in the office are much more than matters of work. It’s hard to develop friendly relationships at work if you can’t be honest. If you’re not out, it’s difficult to even talk about one’s weekend without having to hide details or tell lies.

So if being gay won’t cause a problem at work, it’s much better to be out, and be out right from the start. IMHO.

8

I just wear my pride bracelet and put a rainbow streamer on my desk. When someone asked if I had girlfriend, I held up my wrist, pointed to my bracelet and smiled.

“Oh,” she said. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

9

I just correct the assumptions usually. Typical conversation:

Them: “So, are you married?”
Me: “Uh-huh.”
Them: “What’s your husband do?”
Me: “Huh? Oh, no husband. Wife. And she’s a therapist.”

Or you know those conversations where people talk about their spouse without saying it’s their spouse, but you just know? Like, “God, I asked Tony to pick up milk, but could he do it? Noooo, of course not. Then he bitches about having no milk!” I do the same. “Feh, that’s nothing. I ask Mrs. Chatelaine to throw the empty milk carton away, and that’s too much for her.”

Typically, I only have to have that conversation a few times, because word just flies, doesn’t it?

10

I don’t know how it is in the southeast, because I work at a very casual company in the SF Bay area, where being gay or straight is pretty much a non-issue. But I still never really “came out” at work, just because it has absolutely nothing to do with my job. Like you say, it makes things easier just to be out with it and get it all over with and go on with your life. But at the same time, if you make a point of it, people make a point to remember it and use it as the first thing they think about when they see you. I think piece-meal is just the better way to go all-around.

I did just come out and tell my closest friends (about four or five of them) at work, partly because I was still in my “I want everyone to know” phase, and partly just because it was easier to get it over with so I wouldn’t have to explain it if I made some comment during lunch.

Everybody else I figured would find out whenever it became an issue. My best friend here comes over to my cube every once in a while and loudly talks about his dating and asks me what’s going on with “your man” and such, so I guess he’s getting the word out for me. (For some reason, I tried for a while to be more discrete about it, avoiding gender-specific pronouns and stuff like that, but finally realized if he were so comfortable talking about it, there’s really no reason I shouldn’t be).

Other cases have been when someone asked me directly (“What are you doing tonight?” “Going out on a date.” “Oh yeah? What’s she like?” “Well, she’s a man, for starters.”)

Or when making a joke. (MY BOSS, in the breakroom: “Have a doughnut.” ME: “No thanks.” BOSS: “Fruit?” ME: “You don’t have to be rude. I’m just the way God made me.”)

And then, as will surprise no one on the SDMB, I mention it whenever the topic of same-sex marriage comse up, as it has a lot this year. Usually in the form of a sarcastic comment like, “Oh yeah, George is a swell guy. I’m going to invite him to my wedding. Provided he can make it up to Canada.” A comment like that made on the company’s not-work-related mailing list is the closest I’ve come to actually announcing it to everyone. And I didn’t think of it as such at the time; I didn’t even realize until a friend replied to me with, “Dude, did you just come out to the whole company?”

So, uh, my point is: I wouldn’t mention it at the job interview unless it’s somehow actually relevant to the job. Why should they care one bit if you’re gay? As for everyone else, once you find out who your closest friends are there, then tell them when it seems like something that’ll make it easier to talk about – for instance, if they’re the type of friends that you talk about your personal life, or if they ask you if you’re married or have a girlfriend.

11

I consider it a pretty big non-issue. I don’t draw assumpions about anybody’s sexual preferences- they are none of my business. And since sexual preference doesn’t have anything to do with my job, it doesn’t need to be brought up or clarified. If someone wants to make chit chat or have an intimate conversation, that is between them and their coworker.

12

I lost a job in part because of anti-gay discrimination, so now I don’t come out at a new job until I have one review on my record. That way, when I do come out, there’s the start of a paper trail if there’s any shenanigans.

As for the mechanics of it, it depends on the dynamics of the workplace.

13

I teach high school and have a sign over my desk that says “Let’s get one thing straight - I’m NOT”… I figure that and the picture of my husband and me on our wedding day pretty much says it all…

Oh, and there’s the “In and Out” movie poster… and the “Boys Don’t Cry” movie poster… and the small rainbow flag… and the anti-Gaybashing posters… and the “Safe Space” Pink triangle sticker on the door to my room…

My feeling is the LGBT kids (and the straight kids) deserve to see a teacher that’s comfortable and open about being Gay. Coming out to them is MUCH more important than telling the other staff members…

But news gets around almost every year… and I don’t even have to say anything to the other teachers… :smiley:

14

“Oh,” she said. “You collect Rainbow Brite too?”

15

That’s gotta be the hard part about being gay.

If you act “stereotypically gay” (whether its intentional or not) people might assume it and you probably won’t get automatically pinned as “straight”

If you act in a way that doesn’t let people know that you are gay, then you will have to “come out” to people as the situation requires, and have to deal with the fact that some people considered it a “big deal” that you are coming out.

But what the hell can you do? Have the boss send out a memo before you arrive saying “John Doe is gay?” Should you make a public announcement? Of course not, most people don’t feel like sharing things like that with just anybody, but obviously some people will, upon finding out act like its a big deal…

16

I work in a retail environment with a very high turnover – I can name on one hand the number of people who worked there when I started five years ago. I officially came out in 2001. At the time, I just told the work friends in my immediate circle and allowed the rumor mill to take care of the rest of them. As it stands now, the new people coming in find out as they find out, either by seeing my car (1" x 28" pride ribbon across the back) or by hearing it from somebody else. I work with a lot of teenagers, and for some of them I’m the only out person they’ve ever known well, so I think it’s important that they know and see that we’re just like everybody else.

There are a couple others who are out in my store, and about 6 or 7 closeted that talk to other family about it, but not to anyone else.

17

I probably wouldn’t say anything in an interview just because I don’t think prospective employers need any information on my marital status, sexual orientation, desire to have children, preferred form of birth control, political and/or religious affiliation or lack thereof. Then again, in my profession (psychology) I can fully expect that no one will have an issue with it. But just in terms of logistics, I like the Nonchalant Approach that stpauler describes. I maintain the expectation that not only will people be absolutely fine and supportive , but that they are as incredibly interested in knowing about my personal life (including kitty, as opposed to kiddie, antics) as they seem to think I should be about theirs :wink: .

18

I mostly work at home, so there’s no one to tell who doesn’t already know.

But sometimes I do consultation work for a large local company, occasionally for several months at a time. The subject eventually comes up with new people, and I say whatever it’s appropriate to say, depending on the circumstances. It usually happens on a Monday morning, when people are asking about my weekend. I’ll invariably mention something I did with “My Guy,” and then they want to know his name, how long we’ve been together, etc. In other words, I discuss my personal life exactly the same as they discuss theirs. (But it’s the ones who have no reaction you’ve gotta watch out for.)

Also, I happen to sing in our local Gay Men’s Chorus, and at least once a year we’re either on TV or in the paper. Invariably, people will say, "Hey, saw you guys on tv this morning; how can I get tickets to your concert?

19

I’ve always been out on the job. I’ve never lost a job for being gay per se, though one time I got fired because I had the flu and my boss seemed to think I had AIDS.

Most of my jobs, though, it’s never been a problem. I’d like to say I just wait until it comes up casually, but frankly I tend to guide the conversations to people’s romantic lives. I prefer to know if I’m working with homophobes early on.

It’s very rare for anyone I worked with to voice a problem with it, though a few people have seemed uncomfortable. It’s more customers I’ve had a problem with – I got flack from a few homophobes, when I was working at a magazine store. One guy spit on the floor in my direction, and another guy started lisping and flapping his wrist at me.

At my current job (office admin in a language school), coming out hasn’t been a problem. Gay men outnumber straight men there about 3 to 1 :smiley:

20

I don’t “come out” because I don’t really recongnize being “in.” When people ask me aobut my weekend, I mention what my SO and I did. I act like anyone else does, just a regular guy living a normal life, the only difference being that my SO is the same gender as me.

If we regard ourselves as ordinary, everyone else will, too.