Aw, fuck.


Somebody brought in fresh flowers for the office today, so I had them on the reception desk with me in the lobby.

One particularly dense (and overly religious, and somewhat annoying to work with) admin came up and asked if they were for me, and I said no. Then she mentioned how nice it would be if I’d gotten them from my girlfriend. (This is where I braced myself for what always comes next.) Then, as if on cue, she asked me if I had a girlfriend - to which I, of course, said no. Then she asked, “Why not?”


Could’ve said a lot of things, but I said, “I don’t want one.” Easy way out, I figured. Then she says, “Why, are girls mean to you?” (She thinks she’s being cutesy.)


Once again, could’ve said a lot of things. I said, “I like being single.” That mollified her. It irked me.


As long as coming out is viewed by society as a political action, it will matter, and we all have a choice. This was someone I just didn’t want to have to deal with in any kind of negative way, as I do have to work with/for her throughout the day, and she’s already a pain in the ass as it is. There are other people in the office I wouldn’t have hesitated to say, “No, thanks, queer boy here,” but I just got this vibe that it wasn’t worth it. Coming out is still a choice, even for someone as gay as I am - this is why we are sometimes referred to as “the invisible minority.”

(And no, I don’t want to go off on some rant about what a bitch she is and how much I hate her for not being able to feel comfortable coming out to her and blah blah blah - she’s actually a perfectly nice woman, if a bit on the dim and annoying side, but having spoken with her on other topics, I just know telling her would turn into a big deal, one I just simply don’t want to deal with. If I were going to stay here permanently, I might have said something, but as it is, I just don’t need the headache.)

It’s true what they say - coming out is a life-long process. And it’s annoying as all hell.


OOC, is it possible that she was trying (badly) to flirt with you?

Scary thing is, this is an improvement over the days when coming out wasn’t an option. Anyways, I can sympathize. Friggin’ nosy people piss me off as well.

I don’t have a fucking girlfriend. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’m not particularly looking for a girlfriend at the moment. It’s none of your damn business why. That fucking “why?” sort of shit is what three year olds do. Now fuck off.

Usually, I just respond that it’s because I go to an engineering school (3 guys for every girl), but I know that I could be surrounded by women and probably wouldn’t really try to seriously flirt with any of them. In any event, it’s not other people’s business, but you never want to say “that’s none of your business”.

And while I’m here, are flowers as common in gay relationships as in straight ones, or is it mainly just women who really want them.

God no - she’s got like 4 kids of her own, and she thinks of herself as everyone’s mother. Ew. {shudder}

So, KK, you read my threads? That’s so flattering. I’ll betcha that could be viewed as flirting, right? Right? Dammit! :wink:


Esprix, I’m not sure this addresses your OP at all, but I think I know what you’re talking about. With some people, coming out isn’t an issue. With others, it’s not a case of ‘I’m ashamed of who I am’ but rather a case of ‘I don’t want to spend the next half hour debating it/hearing about it/being commended on it/etc.’ Last thing you want is every conversation you have with this woman for the remainder of your time spent working there revolving around your sexual orientation.


Sympathies, Esprix. I’ve gone through the “Do I come out to my temporary co-workers or not?” thing many times. And sometimes it truly is just easier to let it slide, especially for fairly short-term assignments. And when doing clerical work in a factory-floor office…

No tell nasty bad muscular macho men! No tell!

Well, except for that one dark-haired guy in ass-jeans who keeps looking at me out of the corner of his eye…



Sympathies, Esprix. I’ve gone through the “Do I come out to my temporary co-workers or not?” thing many times. And sometimes it truly is just easier to let it slide, especially for fairly short-term assignments. And when doing clerical work in a factory-floor office…

No tell nasty bad muscular macho men! No tell!

Well, except for that one dark-haired guy in ass-jeans who keeps looking at me out of the corner of his eye…



Well, you could’ve said “I’m boycotting women til we get a decent president”. hee hee
Or how about “If theyre all like you, no thanks>”
I know, too mean, but I thought it was funny.

Sounds to me like she’d heard gossip about you around the office and was trying to get you to admit you’re gay, so she could hand you a brochure or somethin’. That sounded a bit relentless just to be “chat.”

I’m surprised you didn’t just come out and say, “I don’t have a girlfriend because I’m gay.” Is it really such a big deal to admit it, especially in San Diego, where I know they have heard of gay folk before? If you were in Backwardtown, Alabama, I could see being coy just to keep your job. In sunny Cali, though, isn’t being gay just one color of the spectrum? Coming out to co-workers shows them that homosexuality has a human face, and it effectively stops gossip because it removes the is-he-or-isn’t he question. Besides, maybe one of your co-workers has a hot brother she can hook you up with.

I’m 100 percent out at work here in conservative Northern Virginia, and nobody cares.

Hold on there a minute, goboy – I’M from Backwardtown, Alabama, and I’ll have you know I haven’t barbecued a gay person for, what, WEEKS now.

One point, though, Esprix – you seem to be imparting opinions and motives to this woman based on your view of her. That’s stereotyping, just as some heterosexuals stereotype homosexual males as being limp-wristed, lisping guys with an intense interest in hair design and fashion sense.

I’m not gay, nor do I play a gay man on TV. However, it seems to me the annoyance and frustration you felt as a result of this encounter is of your own making, not this woman’s.


waterj2, I demand flowers, and I give them. But that’s just me. :wink: (When are you moving to San Diego, by the way?)

FunkDaddy - bingo.

Eve, I don’t think it was a gossip thing, since most folks in the office don’t even want to be working with her, let alone talking to her socially (she’s a royal pain in the ass to everyone). Truly this was just a way for her to ingratiate herself to me so I’d continue to do the work she should be doing herself. (As an aside, I’ve talked to my superiors about this, and we’re figuring out how best to get her to actually do her own work without me coming off as the bad guy; that is, after all, what management does best. :wink: )

goboy (and Sauron), in general, yes, San Diego is a liberal kind of place, but there are close-minded people everywhere, and I know she’s one of them by having spoken with her and heard her converse with others. Is she a mean person? No. But I know very well that if she knew I was gay, it would be an Issue, and I am making the choice not to deal with it. As my friend Steven once said, “I don’t have time to be your personal educational experience.” I will say that I have been out at all of my previous (permanent) jobs and never (to my knowledge) had any problems. Sauron, did I ever once say it was her fault? I wish things were different, and I could grouse about her attitude (evidence of which I have already witnessed first hand from personal interaction with her), but I’m not - I made the choice, I’ll live with it, and I’ll change my mind if I deem it necessary. Nonetheless, it depressed me a little to have to think about the choice at all.

{Note: edited for coding as requested. Lynn}


[Edited by Lynn Bodoni on 04-25-2001 at 08:04 AM]

Blah. Somebody fix that, wouldya?


Okay. That makes sense to me. Didn’t mean to impugn your motives. Sorry about that.

Can I keep this?

“I don’t have time to be your personal educational experience.”

Please thank your friend Steven for me.

Waterj, what happened to your website? I get a directory listing.

I hate that.

As many times as I’ve been the great educating force on homosexuality, particularly with teenagers… it sodding well gets annoying. It’s not my obligation to be out, especially in cases where it’s really not worth it.

Last summer I worked at a clothing store and put up with countless “So, do you have a boyfriend” inquiries from the fellow staff. It was somewhat hellish, but I thought the end result of me coming out would be far worse.

I’m probably opening up a big ol’ case of kerosene on myself, but I do think that gay people have an obligation to come out. Why should we hide? Straight people don’t. They have no compunction about having pics of the wife and kids on their desks, bragging about what they did with the girlfriend last night, engaging in PDA on a sunny day in the park.

If all gay people came out, if we took away the mystery nad made being gay boring and normal, then we would end homophobia (well, except for the Jeezers, and there’s just no talking to them). When we hide who we are and who we love, then we are agreeing with the 'phobes that we’re not equal and our lives are unworthy of respect. I’m out and if somebody wants to call me a fag, he can do it to my face (and he had better smile, too)

Closets are for clothes, not people.

Oh, don’t think I don’t agree with you, go, but we all know life isn’t so black and white. There are legitimate times when coming out has more disadvantages than advantages, and everyone has a choice in the matter. Gay men and lesbians in the military simply cannot come out and keep their chosen careers, so they make a choice. I’m quite comfortable being out socially, but I don’t think I’m going to hold hands with my boyfriend in the worst part of town when we’re walking alone with no cops in sight. I’m having a ceremony to marry (someday), but I’m not going to invite people I know for a certainty do not want anything to do with me because I’m gay.

Political and social ideals are roads to be travelled, and goodness knows there are bumps along the way.


I agree with your sentiment, goboy, but I suspect your question is rhetorical. In the long term, it would be best if all gay people came out, but in the short term, doing so would make it very tough on many of them. I’m certainly not advocating gays stay in the closet but I can understand why many decide coming out is not worth the effort. Sometimes you’ve got to pick your battles.