Speaking personally, if I had approached someone I respected and loved with this personal secret about myself, only for them to assume that I was either lying or wrong about myself - i’m not entirely sure that wouldn’t be worse than bigotry.
That’s not to say it’s impossible. But any kind of superior “No,* I* know better than you what you are like.” is rankling, even just as an attitude.
A study so nice it should be posted twice.
xtisme, I’m not going to be much help, but I came out as bi to myself and my friends at 19. But not to my parents or my family, as I just never saw the need. (Here’s the not helpful part.) But I was in a committed hetero relationship not long after that lasted 15 years, and have followed it with another. My actual experience with dating men was limited and only once got to the point where I had to consider how I’d introduce him to my folks.
I guess the point is to worry his about crossing bridges when he gets to them. If he’s seeing a man, he’ll be seeing him casually, then less casually, then meeting the parents. For the most part, only after that will the issue of meeting the extended family even come up. Plenty of time to think about how to cushion the blow to the trogs, and in the meantime his sex life is none of their business.
-a-
My racist grandparents ended up loving my adopted black sister, too.
An ex in-law came out as “bi” (he’s actually gay but he said bi at first to soften the blow) to his very traditional Catholic parents. They went very quiet and had some private discussions - his mother already had a strong idea that this was the case - and his dad came back to him saying “You’re our son and we love you no matter what”. And that was that. They’ve even had his boyfriend to dinner and so on. So you never know how prejudice could go when family is involved.
I wish him luck and fingers crossed that familial bonds go deeper than ‘moral’ outrage.
+1
No, you never know. And some prejudices outrank others.
When my elderly, traditional catholic grandmother heard that one of my cousins was gay and dating a boy, there was a long pause, then her first question was “Well, is this boy he’s dating catholic?”
So you just never know. 
I’m in a very similar situation to the OP’s kid - I’m 19, I’m bi, and I’ve given a lot of thought to the mess that is how to tell my family. I ended up going the route that many have proposed in this thread: I didn’t make a big point of coming out, but I also don’t lie. My brother knows, because he straight up asked, and the rest of my immediate family probably suspects (I don’t see how they could have missed it, but then again, my sister only realised last year that Elton John was gay). I’m out to my friends and make no effort to hide it at uni. My wider family will have to know at some point, like when I get to the point of bringing my girlfriend to family events, but until then I’m just cruising along, living my life.
The OP seemed written from the perspective of “what do we do?” and it just seemed odd to ask that about a 19 year old. I mean if they want to come out to family beyond the parents its really their decision at that age.
I meant no offense the OP just was oddly written.
I encouraged my daughter to be proud of herself and that it’s more important to be honest and and honest with herself than to worry about what other people believe. When she came out I had to explain to my SO (not her father but we had lived together a long time as a family) because in his culture homosexuality is something to be VERY ashamed of. He had a hard time with it, but that was HIS problem, and I made sure she knew that it was his problem, not hers.
I’ve been behind her 100% as she came out to more family members. Some took it well, others make cracks about it being a phase, others have distanced themselves out of their own stupidity. To hell with them. My daughter’s sexual orientation is a small part of who she is, but a valid part. Anyone thinks she’s going to burn in their hell for it aren’t really worth our concern.
I think it really helped her to be part of a group. She had MAGY (Memphis Area Gay Youth) and her church youth group for support. We’ve marched in the pride parade and I’ve welcomed her girlfriends and boyfriends with open arms. It’s up to the other people in her life if they accept her, but she knows if they can’t, it’s their loss.
19 is an adult. The kid can whatever he/she wants. If the parents don’t like it, TS.
For a younger person, the best way to go is to pretend to acquiesce to the parents desires, until he/she turns 18, then live life the way he/she pleases, and remind his/her parents that he/she is doing that at every opportunity.
My sister has known she was a lesbian since around 13 or 14 and had her first girlfriend at 17. She is 25 now, and there are still family members who will never know (we’re related to a lot of Baptist bible-thumpers). I vote don’t bring it up unless you know in advance that the person isn’t anti-gay (which you can usually tell by their political affiliation or looking on facebook, these days).
As far as dealing with the unsupportive spouse, I don’t know what to tell you. Eventually, he is likely to come around (especially if grandkids are in the future picture), but it could be an awkward few years until that happens. I’m not even sure if my dad knows that one of his daughters is gay, because he’s an old-school bigot. And since my parents are divorced and he was non-custodial, it wasn’t something that ever came up during visitation.
My mom had problems with it which she dealt with fairly immaturely, but I think that was driven more by the age difference between my sister and her girlfriend than by the gayness. At least she never withdrew love or financial support at any point, though. And now she’s fully supportive.
Counting up all the conversations I have ever had about my sex life with my extended family I get…let’s see…zero. I’m straight, but I don’t really see how being bi or gay would change the equation in any significant way. Why the hell would the kid be talking to people he ain’t gonna be trying to fuck about his sex life?
Yeah, not having conversations about their sex life initiated by parents and relatives is an aspect of heterosexuality not many straights realized they have been gifted with.
Ha. I’m another who thought you were talking about a ten-year-old or something.
Well, just let him come out to whoever he wants to come out to. Don’t tell anyone unless he specifically asks you to. Do ask who else knows, because then at least with them you can avoid the pronoun-game.
I don’t think many family members will ask which genitalia you prefer, but sexuality does come up. Most of my relatives used to ask if I had a boyfriend (or was “courting” for the really old ones). And once you do have a partner, they might come up in conversation or you might want to invite them over for family occasions.
IME it generally is better to hold back on coming out until there is a partner to introduce to the family. That makes it more ‘real’ for them (not just a phase) and, well, it’s the main time you need to come out.
If he’s close to any of those relatives then it can sometimes be hard to keep a secret like that. It’s like it’s always at the back of your tongue trying to force itself forward and preventing other words from coming out, so to speak. I swear I had to literally swallow my words every time I spoke to my Grandad for the last year of his life - when I’d just come out - because the words ‘I’m gay’ were trying to get out there. He probably started to think I had a speech disorder or something because there’d be so many gaps in our conversation.
Pflag probably is a good organisation for you to contact. I’ve never had any personal contact with it myself, but have heard glowing recommendations from American friends of mine who either are gay or who have gay kids. It is almost like you’re coming out as a gay parent too - it is a change in your lives as well, albeit not as big a change as it might seem at first.
FTR, pretty much every family I know has accepted their gay family member, although sometimes they were against it at first. My family is very Catholic indeed and they seem to have accepted it. My Dad, for all his many faults, never had a problem with it at all - though apparently he didn’t tell his wife (who’s been my step-mum since I was ten), who only found out after about two years of commenting on my Facebook page. 
Oh - Facebook is another way family members might find out. If your son doesn’t want people to find out by accident then he might want to hide some things from them. Or it could be a very easy subtle way to come out… “Why is xtisme Jr going to so many gay events? Why does he keep checking in at the Blue Oyster Bar?”
Heh, that’s quite common, my girlfriend’s uber-Catholic parents have always asked the same question about all her girlfriends, myself included (I disappointed them by being an atheist).
Because not everyone is just looking for someone to fuck. Sometimes you want to bring them home to meet the family. Sometimes you even want to marry them. Crazy ain’t it!?
Exactly. I hate the argument Oakminster used. Your sexual orientation is much more than just your sex life.