I Think My Son Might Be Gay

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

lissener and Sampiro both had wonderful things to say, and I agree with them that your preparing yourself early to unconditionally love and support your child through a possible coming out speaks volumes about your character and is so, so encouraging.

It was said partly in earnest, but I’d like to suggest you also look into information for yourself (just to begin with) regarding gender-variant people. There is a very broad spectrum of people who transgress gender norms, ranging from transsexuals to genderqueer people to garden-variety femme men and butch women, to people who simply experiment with cross-gender behaviour when they are trying to figure themselves out.

These are issues that can be confusing and unfamiliar for many people, especially parents. Based on what you’ve told us, it may be something you want to be read up on, should your son ever tell you he is questioning his gender. In general, though, in such a case he would need the same thing you are already prepared to give him: unconditional love and acceptance of him as a person, and an environment containing positive messages before the issue even arises.

22

First of all, thanks for sharing and I am sure you are not the first parent to think the way you do.

Assuming you are correct in your assumptions, and my guess is you are, then the best thing to do is educate yourself now for when the conversation eventually takes place.

I suppose from the outside, being Gay does look like a curse and a horrible fate for your child. But I have often said that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I would choose to be Gay again! I am very happy with who I am, I have been with my SO for over 25 years and yes, in my younger years I was quite the slut (just what a parent wants to hear) but no more so than my hetero peers wanted to be but didn’t have the opportunity to live out.

The times are changing…sure, it will not be a picnic at the beach and there are lots of bigots and people in the White House who will make your son’s life less pleasant…but it will simply make him stronger and better prepared for other challenges in his life.

And regarding envisioning things men do with men, trust me…I don’t want to think of some of the things my parents did, or you do, or you have done…some things are better left un-thought.

Congrats on facing the potential fact head on - just prepare yourself, read that link to PFLAG and wait. Either he is, or he isn’t - but you know what? There is nothing you can do that will change the fact - nothing whatsoever. Just be prepared and let him know you love him no matter what.

23

Oh, and I wanted to put what DMark said in his post but I couldn’t find the right place.

My mother was also worried for me when I came out, for much the same reasons you are. (It’s her job.) Well, it’s been eight years now, and I am grateful to Whom it may concern that I’m gay. I like it. It’s brought me more good things than I can count. Knowing what I now know, I wouldn’t have chosen differently. And in general, the same is true of those around me - even those who have had much harder lives than I have.

24

Oh, and I wanted to put what DMark said in his post but I couldn’t find the right place.

My mother was also worried for me when I came out, for much the same reasons you are. (It’s her job.) Well, it’s been eight years now, and I am grateful to Whom it may concern that I’m gay. I like it. It’s brought me more good things than I can count. Knowing what I now know, I wouldn’t have chosen differently, if I had been given a choice. And in general, the same is true of those around me - even those who have had much harder lives than I have.

25

Well, I’m not gay or male, but based on what I do know of gay men, he doesn’t really sound gay to me. Seems more likely he’s just an effeminate straight guy. Maybe he’s even a transvestite, if it turns out that wearing girls’ clothes wasn’t just a one-time goofing off thing for him…but my understanding is that most transvestites are heterosexual. Now if you caught him looking at Playgirl or messing around with one of his buddies, then you’d have reason to suspect he’s gay!

I don’t think it would be a good idea to talk to him about his sexuality. At his age, he may not be entirely sure what his sexual orientation is himself, and it might be very confusing if he figures out his own parents think he’s gay if he’s really not. Just emphasize that you accept him no matter what, without making any implications that you think he might be “different”. That’s a good message for any kid, straight or gay, to get from their parents.

26

Bi-girl, here, and everyone but my parents know it, due to complete and utter lack of support on their part. It hurts quite deeply to know that they would love me less if they truly knew who I am. I have no plans on coming out to them either, and so long as I stay married to a man, I’m “in the clear” (that sentence sounds like I’m unhappily married, I’m not, I’m happy. But as I’ve said before, if anything were to happen to this marriage, I’d be dating men and women, and if I settle down again, it could be with a woman as easily as it could be with a man). But it still hurts, and though I try not to dwell on it, it sometimes bugs the hell out of me, makes me feel like a coward, and sometimes I feel quite resentful towards them and the world. I love them both so much, and I’m so afraid of losing them over something I can’t change. It sucks.

I don’t think I have anything to add, advice-wise, since the Dopers really nailed it, here; all I was going to say has already been said. **matt_mcl ** has touched on a good point with the gender variants. Who knows just yet the type of individual your little boy may grow into? Even he doesn’t know yet. Time and love will tell.

I wish you strength and love. Good luck. I wish I had a mother like you.

27

I strongly second contacting PFLAG. If that organization had been around when I came out, my parents would have been much more supportive (they eventually did come around, but it took time).

I can’t add anything to what everyone else has already said. The greatest gift you can give your son, whatever he becomes, is the love and support you’ve always been giving him. Years from now, you’ll look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

28

I think it’s too early to be certain about anything about a 13-year-old, let alone what his sexuality is. Let him know how much you love him as a matter of course, and he’ll have no problem coming to you if he wants to discuss it or come out. Give it some time. He’ll be trying to figure out who he is for the next few years. If he trusts you, he’ll turn to you with questions or announcements about his sexuality in due time.

29

I don’t know if it goes for your kid, but when I was younger I worked very hard to be chaste. I recall watching Robin Hood Men in Tights with my dad and shielding my eyes when Maid Marien showed up in her chastity belt. My dad said, “It’s just a bathing suit!” And I went, “But, it’s so little clothing!” I mean, I just didn’t think it was right for me to look at it.

My parents also weren’t sure of my orientation when I was younger. My mom muddled through a conversation and when I realized what she was asking me I laughed and told her, “No, I’m not. I like girls.”

I’m just saying that he might just be a chaste kid. Even with older brothers, he might just be doing his own thing.

Whichever way he goes, I hope it all goes smoothly from here :slight_smile:

30

I thought my son might be gay too.

From the time he was around two yrs old, there was always something a bit different about kamkid #3. As he grew, I started taking bets (with very close and very discreet friends of course :wink: ) about the odds of him being gay when he hit sexual maturity. I was not in the least perturbed or worried about his orientation, in fact I considered it statistically likely that in a family of four kids, at least one of them is probably not going to be heterosexual.

Anyway, he’s 19 now, with a hot girlfriend he’s been dating for two years. He wears wife-beater singlets and has big, fat tattoos on his shoulders. He’s tough and gruff and as macho as they come. :rolleyes:

But, y’know, I still hope he might come-out one day. Actually, now that I’ve put this down in writing, I PRAY that he comes out. Put it down to a mothers’ intuition if you like, but I believe that my kid is doing this super-hetero display as a sort of denial about his true orientation. Because of his age and his attitude at the moment, there is no way known I could sit down with him and explain that gay is fine with me. Plus, I don’t think it’s my approval or otherwise that matters to him. He has to accept himself first…the rest will be easy by comparison.

Oh, lest I forget his mate, Johnny. Johnny is quiet and timid and shy and thinks the sun shines out of kamkid’s bum. Kamkid and Johnny are inseperable companions…first they went to school together 6 years ago, now they work together AND live together as well. Wherever kamkid goes, Johnny goes too. I mean that quite literally btw.

Don’t tell ME there is not some deep, loving (even if it’s not yet sexual) relationship going on here.

31

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=6985450#post6985450

^
Link to a similar thread I started not too long ago. Sorry about the coding, I just don’t have time to fuck with it any longer.

I understand how you feel, trublmakr. I get a knot in the pit of my stomach just thinking about my daughter. Especially since I just got married and she’s getting along pretty well with her new step-sister, despite their being very different types of girl. I look at them giggling together and think, “If X finds out about my girl, will she still be her friend? Will she be afraid to sleep in the same room?”

At this time, my daughter and I have pretty much dropped the subject. I keep hoping when it comes up again, things will be different.

Anyway, e-mail’s in my profile if you ever want to talk.

32

Very straight hetero male here. I can appreciate that you’re sure you know your kid because… you’re his Mom, but not to be snarky, you may not. I was shy until I started dating at age 18-19 in college, and because I was shy and a bit embarrassed about it I’ didn’t make any big production of girls I lusted after or pined for, nor did I pursue them. I also wrote stories and poetry and because of an eye injury that compromised vision in my left eye, did not go out for team sports despite my size and strength.

Also, in retrospect, I would have been mortified and embarrassed beyond belief and been pretty goddamn pissed if my mother or father wanted to sit down with me and “have a little talk” about my sexuality because I wasn’t chasing girls like my little brother, and I’m pretty sure this would have driven a wedge between my parents and myself if they did this regardless of how caring and compassionate and supportive of my “choices” they thought they were being.

Moms especially, even if they think they’re being “supportive” often how no idea how angry, mortified and resentful teen males can become (even if they don’t express it directly) if this subject is broached. There’s a time for the touchy-feely intervention and there’s a time to stand back, be quiet and let nature unfold. Despite your concerns you really, really need to disengage yourself from this process until he comes to you or makes some explicit statement about wanting to talk with you about it.

Leave. it. alone for the next several years and let him develop without any pressure of your concerns and “support”.

33

Add me to the list of voices saying that it may be too early to judge. I say this only because I’m pretty sure that my parents thought that I was gay during my junior high and high school years, and probably even into college. I was not gay or even ‘confused’ or bisexual during any of that period - I was just a late bloomer when it came to relationships with girls/women. I was also horribly uncomfortable discussing sexuality with my parents. And no, my parents were not anti-sex or religious fundamentalists or anything - this was entirely my hangup, not theirs. They were both teachers, so I knew all about the biology aspect of sex. I just didn’t want to talk about it with them; I tried to avoid seeing ‘sexy’ things when they were around because it was embarassing to me.

This is not to say that I had no interest in sex per se - I masturbated like a mother***k and had a secret stash of scavenged dirty pix - but I didn’t have a girlfriend or even date much, because I found the social interaction confusing and awkward. I was lousy at interpreting the behavior and intentions of girls; I didn’t know what to say around them, etc. I was also afraid of the consequences of sex, specifically pregnancy.

At any rate, it took until college for me to become mature enough to handle realistic boy-girl relationships. Like I said, a late bloomer. But every time I went home to visit for the weekend, my mother would ask if I had met any nice girls and a little part of me would die. Then she’d ask if I had ‘anything to tell them’. If she had come to me all PFLAG; all “I love my gay son! Oh wait, you’re not gay? Sorry!” it would have totally destroyed my already underdeveloped confidence with the opposite sex.

Having said this, I realize that I am not as close to the situation as you, and of course you are better able to judge nuances of behavior than I. But please remember that not every 13 year old who is in drama club, plays violin, has friends but doesn’t date, and doesn’t like to talk about sex with his parents ends up gay.

On preview, what astro said. Are you my twin brother?

34

What the straight contingent said is also true. So it looks like the best thing you can do is educate yourself on the issues and provide an environment where queer-positive messages are heard… which is what I wish every parent would do, regardless of whether or not they had suspicions.

35

Just by way of negative examples . . .

I knew I was gay when I was eleven. Well, I’d had the feelings since much earlier, but I was eleven when I figured out what it was called. That was also when I figured out that it was wrong, and bad, and dirty, and sick, and that I was a monster and a freak.

My dad was (is) a racist, wife beating homophobe, and my mom was (is) a solipsistic drama queen starring in her own opera, in which Life Does Horrible Things to Her. The greatest in a neverending string of very gratifying Tragic Events in Her Life, when I was going through puberty, was the possibility that her only son might be gay. How could the universe do this to her? What had *she *done to deserve it? She must be very special to the gods, a very powerful and important person indeed, if they had set themselves against her in such a carefully orchestrated campaign of malice. Still, if the gods insisted on arraying the universe against her, she would go tearfully on: She would put on Madame Butterfly, pour herself another vodka, and weep quietly in the dark.

My point being, trublmakr, where I said above that you shouldn’t make it about your son? Please don’t make it about you, either. Not that I get the sense that you will, but please don’t let your son think he’d be wounding you in order to be true to himself. Yes, you have some mourning to do, at least some adjusting. Do it quickly and privately, and get yourself moved on to celebrating who he is as a person, *whoever *he is as a person.

He’s got plenty of time ahead to learn about the “down” side of being gay in a straight world. Don’t spend any energy on preparing him for it, not yet. That comes second. First, he needs to be prepared to go out into that world with a 100% positive view of himself. You can give that to him, and it will be the greatest tool in his arsenal when he girds for future battles.

36

I know you’re just being honest, but you know that heterosexual couples do the same things that “gay men do to each other,” such as oral and anal sex. What’s the difference?

Just because you’re a gay man does not mean you can’t have children. Many gay men/gay couples have children.

37

OK?

38

Yep, don’t forget this possibility.

I had quite a posse of friendly folks (even parents!) trying to reassure/encourage me once upon a time that it was entirely, perfectly OK for me to come out as gay, and that they <hint hint> kinda knew it already anyhow. It actually wasn’t very reassuring to me at the time at all, I have to say. :frowning:

If your kid was a girl of the same age and was not overtly drooling over pants-bulges and chiming in when other females spoke of the joy of cock, and was somewhat robust and more physically extroverted than graceful, would you conclude “lesbian”?

Transsexuals are (more often than not, in my experience) fine folks. Gay guys generally constitute good & highly intelligent company. But why assume your kid as any shape fashion or form of sexual-identity issues or concerns until/unless the kid expresses them? Kid could constitute a new variant that neither I nor you have thought of, and I don’t see anything to be gained by pigeonholing.

39

I myself was a late bloomer when it came to being attracted to the opposite sex. (Didn’t really happen until I was 15 or so, which seems kind of late to me.) All I remember from that time was growing apart from my grandmother, and that was mostly because she thought I was gay, and was very upset with me for it. So I would caution you to just let him sort himself out, and support whatever comes from it.

I don’t think now is the time to be talking about sexuality. Let him be a kid for just a little bit longer; it’s hard to do in this world, and it may be the only thing you’re noticing. Kids don’t have as many preconceptions about what is “ok” to do regarding their gender. I acted mostly like a boy for a long time, and now I am in a happy relationship with a man who likes me because I still have a little bit of a tomboy kid in me. And I like pink, Hello Kitty, and baking. Take that, Grandma! :slight_smile:

(Not that I’m in any way saying that lesbians don’t enjoy pink, Hello Kitty and baking. It’s just my grandmother thinks that any non-feminine attributes are indicative of homosexuality. :slight_smile: )

40

Nothing to add, but I wanted to say this is a great thread. I may be dealing with things like this with my daughter in several years (or not, it’s too early to tell).

I like the word “mourning” to describe what I would go through if one of my kids were gay. I’d need time to let go of a lot of unfair, but there-they-are preconceived notions of what I want my kids’ lives to be.