I figure teens are still in the process of becoming. We try out lots of things as adolescents…some stick and some don’t. Your job is to support. I don’t say this to pat your hand and tell you the worst will probably not happen. It could. Your child could grow up to become…a Trumper.
Ski You seem to be hung up on hetero normative gender roles. Liking boys has NOTHING to do with whether or not you identify as a boy. I have to add my voice to the chorus (some of whom I know have kids of their own) saying ‘Go along with it. What is the harm? Worst case scenario, your child learns you love and listen to them’
This may or may not be helpful, but here’s my great-niece’s (who I’ll call M) story.
At age 16 (as a junior in high school) she decided she “liked” girls. During this time, she never dated and routinely went to dances with boys.
The following year, she announced that she must be transgender, cheered on by her friends who were so proud of her for embracing her true self. Only among her girlfriends did she refer to herself by a gender-neutral name, but at school, at home, and among family, she used her given name (including signing birthday and thank you cards). Her clothing never changed (CA surfer style), routine mani-pedis continued, as did her scheduled hair color weaves on her long blonde hair. She never dated any girls and when it came time for junior/senior prom, she wore a typical prom dress with all the fixin’s, attending with one of her good guy friends. She continued to insist that she was transgender.
In July of this year, after the pressures of high school and college admission letters, and landing a summer job she loves, she then told her mother (my niece) that while she believed she was transgender last year, now she doesn’t. Because she was an excellent softball player (from a young age) and enjoyed surfing, both of which she considered “male” sports and because she enjoyed them sooo much, she felt she must really a boy. She also admitted that she felt less than her younger sister who has model-like looks and figure, so the obvious answer – to her – was that she must really be a boy.
When her friends learned of this newest revelation, they were disappointed. They told her it was cool when she was transgender and that they loved hanging out with a transgender boy, which then caused her to feel as if she were some kind of curiosity.
It was a difficult time for my niece and her husband (and I suspect this isn’t over yet), but M’s been with an LGBTQ+ - friendly therapist for a little over a year and came to this conclusion on her own. She just felt different enough and was under the impression that there wasn’t any other explanation for it.
We’ll see what happens as this plays out.
OP, I’m in the same boat as you, and if it helps at all, it’s OK to be confused.
My child told us they were non-binary earlier this year, and wanted to go by they/them. Their general style at the time was baggy sweatpants and a nondescript boyish haircut. A couple months ago their style changed to skirts, a more feminine haircut, and feminine clothing in general. They hang out with girls and do girl things. They also picked a new male name and have added he/him to their list of acceptable pronouns.
It was much easier to use their desired name and pronouns when their outward appearance matched it. I agree with others here that you SHOULD start using their desired name and pronouns, but I will also caution others who haven’t had to live it that it’s very hard to remember to say “Hi son” when your kid is dancing to girl band videos in a skirt. I’m super socially progressive and an accepting father and even I struggle. It’s just hard to undo decades of programming.
Like you, I wonder frequently if this is real body dysmorphia or if it’s something else. I know it’s not my job to figure that out, and I will be loving and supportive regardless, but that does not make the situation any less confusing.
I hear you. My hope is that as time goes on it will become less and less important to us as a society to pin down the gender identity (or sexual orientation, for that matter) of teenagers in some officially immutable form.
Ultimately, I hope it will be taken for granted that some kids are going to “experiment” socially with a different gender identity or sexual orientation in a way that turns out to be temporary, while other kids are going to come out as transgender/gay/nonbinary/whatever and stick with it permanently because it’s an important part of their identity. De-emphasizing insistence on rigid gender conformity for children of all ages will be a big help in getting to that point.
Yeah, girls who were growing up in the “pinkification tsunami” of late '00s-early ‘10s culture got subjected to a HUGE barrage of gender-conformity messages. It’s not the transgender-rights movement that came up with this dictum of how girls MUST do and like these things while boys MUST do and like these other things: it’s the commercial empire that figured out they could sell twice as much kids’ stuff if they re-convinced everybody that stuff for girls and stuff for boys had to be different.
No, definitely with someone who specializes and who, and I can’t stress this enough, is not a family friend. Dual relationships are a big no-no for therapists for a reason.
Exactly.
Contact your local LGBTQ+ organization and ask them to recommend a therapist. They’ll be happy to help.
While your advice after this point is mostly on point, I cannot disagree more strongly with this part. It doesn’t matter why he wants to identify as male. The fact is that he does. That’s the rule in the rest of society, so it’s also should be what you do with your kids.
For one, it’s always good to model acceptable behavior as a parent. You don’t want your kid to learn that they can use the wrong pronouns for any reason. But also, because this is the rule in society, the kid is likely to perceive his parents not using his pronouns as being disrespectful and not accepting him.
Whether it is a phase, social pressure, or whatever doesn’t really change by you using the correct pronouns. None of your advice becomes impossible.
It’s not that there is not apparent harm in using the pronouns he asks for. It’s that there is no harm, and there is greater harm in refusing to accept them. If you don’t feel accepted by your parents, they you tend to stop listening to their advice or allowing them to help you.
Use his requested pronouns. If it’s a phase or whatever, he’ll change them back. If, as it seems now, he is more genderfluid or non-binary, then maybe he’ll switch to “they.” Or maybe even go back to “she” but identify as feminine rather than female.
Follow the etiquette that trans people have let us know about. They came up with it for a reason. They know how it feels.
It doesn’t matter why he wants to identify as male. The fact is that he does
It surely does, though.
If someone’s child wants to identify as Chinese when they’re born with Somalian ethnicity, it would not be sound advice to say that “it doesn’t matter why he wants to identify as Chinese. The fact is that he does”. Similarly with a child who wants to identify as short (when they’re objectively tall), or a holocaust survivor, or deaf, or an amputee, or homeless, or a cat, or a tree – identifying as something you’re not is a cause for concern.
We can argue whether there’s something special and unique about identifying as {different gender} rather than {different ethnicity/species/physical attribute}, but it’s not simply enough that a child wants to identify as something. Further questions should be asked.
It’s not that there is not apparent harm in using the pronouns he asks for. It’s that there is no harm, and there is greater harm in refusing to accept them
I’m not so willing to accept that as self-evidently true. I foresee many harms that may stem from enabling an individual’s transgender ideas if they are illegitimate.
You can “foresee” whatever you like, but the consequences of rejection and dismissal on transgender youth are manifest:
My youngest (IFAB - that’s identified female at birth) is non-binary. And I’ve learned a lot. One of which is that gender is intensely complicated and personal, with a LOT of moving pieces - only one of which is presentation. My youngest has several trans women friends who present as male - that is what they are comfortable with - but have an internal identification as women. Another is that the process can take a LONG time - it isn’t a lightswitch - to transition (should you choose to transition).
The last piece of advice I have is that it isn’t a lightswitch for the people around him either. Pronouns slip for a LONG time. Habits are hard to change. Accept your kid, but warn him that a slip in pronouns, deadnaming - that isn’t a sign of disrespect or nonacceptence ALL the time - sometimes its just old habits because we are human. It will be a lot easier for him if his first reaction to being misgendered is “oh, they slipped up” rather than “you hate me and don’t accept me for who I am!” I’m 55 years old and haven’t used my childhood nickname since I was fifteen. You wouldn’t know it if you were around my family. All the corrections in the world haven’t changed it.
Best wishes to both of you on your journey.
Changing pronouns is WAY hard. We’ve always had male dogs, but for the first time, now have a beautiful female. We are delighted with her in every way, but it’s been almost three weeks and neither of us have gone a full day yet without slipping up! HaHa!
This is a timely thread for me. Not regarding my own kids, but my students. I teach high school music part time. More and more of them are identifying differently from their outward appearances and I’m having trouble just remembering which ones I need to identify how. Some are he, some are they. No she’s yet that I know of.
Not really the same problem as the OP, but confusing all the same. The main music instructor, the one I work with, and I accept their pronouns, but we do ask them to be patient with us if we slip up.
I have enough trouble just remembering everyone’s names, let alone pronouns.
This is part of my area of expertise, so I’ll chime in.
We are dealing with aspects of culture here. Claiming to be Chinese when you’re Somalian is delusional or deceptive or some other negative, but there’s no reason on earth that a Somali can’t start learning about Chinese culture, language and foods, and also practising Chinese culture. Gradually, over time, this can reach the point where the individual can, legitimately, claim that they are Chinese, though they will always have a dual identity: they can never not have the experience of being raised Somali, something that isn’t shared with most Chinese people. They could, however, be a mother to Chinese children, something that isn’t shared with most Somali people.
Gender is a bit trickier, because even though you’re raised and socialized within one gender, you are always interacting with another gender. A girl can’t claim to have the experience of being raised as and treated like a boy, but she will have a pretty good observational knowledge of what that means, if not experiential knowledge.
All of that it to say that it does matter why they identify as whatever: if they are performing a particular gender, and if other members of their culture accept them as that gender. What does not matter is that other people are satisfied that the new gender identity is valid.
Offering my own experience here. 3-4 years ago I had a close relative who transitioned, at age 27. So for his entire life all of us had thought of him as a girl, he’d presented that way. Rather girly but in a prepubescent, lavender-bunny sort of way.
Although all of us accepted his transition, we all messed up on his pronouns for quite a while. Maybe a year or so. Me especially because I only saw him once a year. Never in front of him, but I asked him about it once and said, if I mess up and you hear it, I’m really sorry! And he said that a lot of Queer youth at a shelter where he volunteered for a while were experimenting with their pronouns and even the other shelter staff couldn’t always keep up.
Eventually, he got top surgery (removal of breasts) and hormone treatments, grew a beard, deepened his voice a bit, and now I think of him as a man, a male, which is how he wants to move through the world.
He seems a lot more comfortable inside his own skin now. More confident, and more open as well. Athletic, biker, rock climber, kick boxer. He told me later that he had been OK with his body until he grew breasts and really, REALLY hated them. Also had terrible PMS with pain, cramps, depression. So living as a girl wasn’t fun. For whatever reason he hadn’t felt comfortable confiding in his parents at age 15 so he went online and found support there. He’s very emotionally literate now, and maybe his own experience and anguish inspired him to volunteer for other Queer youth who were homeless or seriously suffering because of their identity & orientation.
As to OP’s child, every journey is unique. Other posters have suggested therapy for you, not because there’s anything wrong with you, but to help you understand and navigate this complex and sensitive domain.
I agree with @Smudge777 about the issues you should discuss with her.
From your description it really does sound like it might be something she(?) is doing to stand out/escape sexualisation/deal with body image issues. It really depends on the school whether it’s something that gets kids positive or negative attention. And unfortunately @elfkin477 is right about the regression to strict gender roles. Teenagers are usually desperate to fit in, and can have real trouble if they don’t fit the mould in some way.
My daughter has a friend about the same age (early teens) who is going through the same process - the friend now identifies as trans and genderfluid, has taken a new name and is going by he/they (I find “they” easier to remember so I tend to use that). The school doesn’t seem to care, and they’re still mostly presenting as female (although the hair has now been cropped short) - at an educated guess, they’re still figuring out what they’re comfortable with. It’s not like flipping a switch.
Their mother, however, insists on repeatedly referring to “my daughter [deadname]”, so I don’t think she’s adjusting to the changes so well. Hopefully that too will come with time.
I’m going through something similar with my 14 year-old and I don’t really know what to say, other than I understand what you are going through and what your intentions are by trying to explain how you see their behavior and such. My co-parent is supposedly the most woke woman in the history of wokeness or whatever and she’s having a difficult time, a lot more than I am. For me it’s just down to being open to allow my child to live life and figure things out in whatever way it happens. it’s difficult and if you talk about your own feelings and observations and attempt to tell the story honestly you have to deal with the internet stranger mobs judging your parenting and motivations just because you are human.
There is some mourning of the kid you thought you had and the expectations for them, and some understandable “but I wanted my kid’s life to be easier than this.” It takes time.
One thing I’ve seen suggested is that given it’s often adolescent girls, if they’re not body dysmorphic it can be a misguided attempt to avoid the male gaze etc. But unfortunately, you can’t opt out of the patriarchy, and strangers who harass women don’t know or care about their pronouns or “mind” the fact that they’re wearing baggy clothes…