Talking about "The Poetry Thread."

Cafe Society
21

Tris,

My son was three years old before I was able to write a real poem about him, one which I could keep from turning to saccharine-sweet mush.

I’ve always found that the closer someone or something is to me, the more difficulty I have writing about it.
I think it’s probably because the emotion involved makes it very difficult to be objective, and that carries over to my writing by blunting the merciless self-editing I need to produce my best work.

So, “Peeling An Apple” don’t quite work for you either, huh? Well, ever since I broke that window with the hammer when I was three, my ma’s been telling me not to touch stuff I don’t understand – if I’d followed her advice I wouldn’t be writing love poems, I guess.

I suspected the physics in that piece might be weaker than I’d let myself believe. Any suggestions how to fix it? If not, I’ll keep it on the back burner for a bit, eventually I may find a way to fix it myself or, if I can’t, at least I may salvage some lines or images.

I’m throwing a couple more pieces into the thread. All of them are open to criticism, suggestions or enjoyment – whichever best suits 'em.
Laureen,

Upon second, third etc, readings of your poems, I found them to be much stronger then they first appeared – damn, that sounds like a backhanded compliment. Anyway, I like them. I also like that you posted two so far apart in age. Interesting to see the more complex language and syntax in the later one.

I’m partial to your idea of bitter optimism (it may be what keeps the poem from sliding into sentimentality) and, for some reason, I can’t get “forgive the lawn for stealing certain spring afternoons” out of my head.
And both poems are infected with a wonderfully wry humour

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Dear Fatwater Fewl,

Thanks so much for the compliments, and even if initially seeming backhanded, I’m honored, because I think very highly of your writing.

The newer poem I posted was the result of a writing excercise I highly recommend- I first came up with 20 phrases that paired words that do not immediately seem to fit together… (“forgive the lawn” was one of them)… and then tried to fit as many of them into one poem as I possibly could. The topic for this poem came to me based on my personal favorite of all the odd juxtapositions, namely: “scintillating toad”.

By the way, I am always in search of new writing excercises… does anyone have any suggestions??

And by the way, I am thrilled to have found this poetry thread… thanks for starting it Triskadecamus

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LOL, By the way, didn’t mean to say “by the way” so much in my last post.

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And by the way, thanks Laureen!

And everyone else who is participating!

I have to forgo the critique for this evening, as I had a fairly bad day in some specific respects, and my mood is not conducive to constructive criticism. I will try to catch up later in the week, but I encourage everyone else to fill the gap, and give us your responses to poems already posted.

I am also posting a Renga or Haiku, which I have on hand, as well.

Tris

“It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.” ~ Horace ~

25

Tris, I am sorry you had a fairly bad day yesterday. Perhaps the stressful experience will eventually become poem fodder? One can hope that the crap of everyday life becomes the fertilizer for art.

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bump

27

**Laureen, **
This Longing

I liked the look out of your eyes, and the unabashed sense of your hopes and fears. It is a very nice use of contrast, naiveté and the more jaded attitude of experience. I don’t really know how to analyze the form, but if I were not specifically critiquing it, I would not have bothered to think of that, so its form is essentially unimportant, since it works.

Unbroken Heart

Wry humor in the expression of deep sorrow is a good poetic theme, and you seem to have it well in hand. Exceptional use of the brief restatement.

Fatwater Fewl

Strange Attractors

This one works much better for me. The small bodies between the verses even seem appropriate, and the separate feel of the verses carries out the visual effect, too. Very sense oriented, of course, which was a part of the whole effect. I can’t offer advise on any particular improvement. Very different from my own approach to poetry, so I am out of my depth.

Ghosts of Flowers Loom

In this one, the line breaks and verse breaks work against me, and more often than once or twice. I am not sure how to read it, and that leaves my attention wandering away from what you say, which is a bit close to vague, after I loose my train of thought.

A1C Joe

I liked the beginning, but I tripped over the curses. I reread it over and over, and the same thing happened every time. It’s close, but I can’t read it out loud. The personal image references are mostly understandable, but there are so many that it begins to feel like an in crowd story, with me on the outside. Invite me in a bit more, I think, and I will be willing to follow.

rmbnxs

I am going to skip the limericks without comment

The Haiku

The Little Dog

The little dog barks
But I could not see him there
A small annoyance

Look What I Can Do

A boy with a stick
Pretends he has a rifle
It is still a stick.

** Triskadecamus**

Obviously, someone else has to look at these two.

** Ludovic**

3 AM

This is a delightfully jaded point of view. I want it reworked a bit, simply because I like it so much. The bracketed “Do not disturb” part was especially provocative. I wonder if some similar or distinctly different bracketing would help the “not my conference but. .” encounter, which I also liked. I think the you in this poem might be better served by being less visible. It’s sort of icky in spots, although that is not a bad thing.

Laureen

Almost

Subtly vicious.

When They Kiss

This one is lover’s hyperbole, simple, and unapologetic. It has all the charm, and limits of lovers hyperbole, of course. For lovers, it will do quite well.

Bodypoet

I loved it.

Great image, and a great real life feel.

I think it would benefit from a lot of (very hard, and perhaps unnecessary) work on line breaks, and cadence. I don’t mean that it won’t stand as is, only that I think there is a lot of power here, and it might be brought to bear with some (perhaps difficult) attention to metric quality. (No, not regular meter, but meter broken with more attention to emphasis.)

I will post another one, myself, now.

Tris

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Triskadecamus

Star Trek and Neil Peart
The facile think them arcane
Don’t be a dumbass

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If you would like a discussion about what is, or isn’t poetry, rmbnxs, it might be best to start a thread specifically for that purpose. If you do, you would be well-advised to show upprepared. Here’s
a starter kit for you.

jm

30

I post that for amusement value. Its amusement value will go up when I tell you that, honest to God, i DREAMT THAT VERSE!!!

as everyone knows, the poetic value of anything goes up if it comes to you in a dream :slight_smile:

Now if there were only some high-quality opium around, I could become poet Laureate :wink:

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I have some others. How long a poem is allowed?

BTW, I like reading other’s stuff. Makes me feel good, knowing others take to this art form. Whether for pleasure or angst, or exercise. It’s all good.

32

My latest is now over in the thread, less than an hour old. It’s called “Middle Age” because that’s how I felt when I started writing it, and is shows my old-fashioned love of meter and rhyme. I’ll be interested in hearing what you think.

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Triskademus, I like the poignancy of “Unconditional”.
NoClueBoy, your handle’s a misnomer – you most certainly do have a clue! I like the boyishness of “Adam’s Lament” and “The Danaan” reminds me of a friend of mine.

CJ

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I’ve been thinking about these threads and hoping they would live.

cjhoworth, I’m glad you posted “Middle Age”. It touched me deeply, though it’s not a form I tend towards in writing or in reading. But that’s one of the good things about Tris’s poetry thread, the diversity of form and approach among the contributors. We’d likely get very little out of it otherwise.

NoClueBoy, “Adam’s Lament” is fun. I hope we see more.

unwashed brain, I really like the first stanza of Perseus. Nice play on words to begin. I like the contrast of the informal tone with the characters of classical myth.

35

I forgot to subscribe to this thread last time I posted to it.

:smack:
On the surface, I’m enjoying reading what’s already up.
I’ll pick a few to look at deeper after supper.

Thanks for posting positive about my stuff. I’m an applause junkie

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Mine’s moved. It is now found at http://anubis.teemingmillions.com

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unwashed, your “what has become of me” 's words sound excellent…i could almost hear the speaker spitting them out. The imagery never really gelled in my mind (was this intentional?)