Jesus: “Judas, what do I look like?”
Judas: “Well…”
Jesus:“WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?”
Judas:"Well, you’re…’’
Jesus:"Do I look like a Bitch?
Judas:“No”
Jesus:“Then why are you trying to fuck me?”
And of course, at the last supper, Peter talks about why he doesn’t tip the waiter.
“Hey, when I go out to eat, I want my wineglass refilled at least 6 times”
Jesus: “Here are your names…Peter, Simon, John, James, Matthew, Andrew, James, Phillip, Thaddaeus, Bartholmew, and Judas”
Peter: “Why am I peter?”
Jesus: “Because you’re a fucking hard rock, okay?”
Peter: “Well, can’t I be Paul or something like that?”
Jesus: “You can’t be Paul because some other Apostle in some other area is called Paul. No, you’re Peter!”
John:“Who cares what your name is?”
Peter: “That’s easy for you to say. You have a cool sounding name”.
Judas: “Judas? Isn’t that a little close to Brutus?”
Peter: “Why can’t we pick our own names?”
Jesus: “I tried that. It doesn’t work. Everyone wants to be Ringo and they get into a fight about it”.
And the scene where Barrabas tries to rob the last supper with his girlfriend.
Barrabas: What’s in the bag?
Jesus: My Father’s dirty laundry.
Barrabas: Your Father gives you his dirty laundry?
Jesus: When He wants it washed whiter than snow.
Barrabas: Sounds like a shite job, mate.
Jesus: Funny, I was thinking the same thing…
Saul: Jesus, if you give him that bag of silver, I’m gonna whip him on general principle.
Jesus: Mary, no, no, keep the whip on me – keep the whip on me – SAUL, SHUT THE FUCK UP!@!!
Jesus: The Truth is, you’re the Meek – And I am come to you not as a Lamb, but as a Sword. But I’m tryin’ – I’m trying real hard to be the shepherd.
Barrabas: (Speaking up) But you can’t be the shepherd, that’s your father’s job, idnit? You’ve got to be the Lamb. Won’t that mean you’ll have to give up your dream of wandering the wilderness have to sacrifice yourself for the sins of the world and all that?
Jesus: You’re right. What the hell am I going being the Lamb of the World? (Gives Barrabas the satchel) We’re fucking switching. I’m wandering the land getting into adventures, YOU deliver unto my Father this sinner’s soul!
Jesus: So when do we do this?
Pontius Pilate: It all depends on when do you want to die? Tomorrow? The day after tomorrow?
Jesus: How about tonight, bitch?
Pontius Pilate: Splendid, where?
Peter
So if you’re quitting the life,
what’ll you do?
Jesus
That's what I've been sitting here
contemplating. First, I'm gonna
deliver this bag to my father.
Then, basically, I'm gonna walk the
earth.
Peter
What do you mean, walk the earth?
Jesus
You know, like Caine in the beginning.
Peter
How long do you intend to walk the
earth?
Jesus
Until God puts me where he want me
to be.
Peter
What if he never does?
Jesus
If it takes forever, I'll wait
forever.
Peter
So you decided to be a bum?
Jesus
I'll just be the lamb, Peter -- no
more, no less.
Peter
No, Jesus, you're gonna be like
those pieces of shit out there who
beg for change. They walk around
like a bunch of fuckin' zombies,
they sleep in garbage bins, they
eat what I throw away, and dogs
piss on 'em. They got a word for
'em, they're called bums. And
without a job, residence, or legal
tender, that's what you're gonna be
-- a fuckin' bum!