Got it in 1!
Tech support: I know that you’re very proud of and happy with your ticket and workflow system you’ve got going. I know that without it, idiots will constantly badger you with moronic problems and gum up the works. But when I call at 4:55 on Friday afternoon, simply asking for the IP address of our FTP server so I can transfer some files from the field (on deadline), do NOT tell me “your supervisor will need to put in a request with us”, hang up, and go home for the weekend.
True story.
amarinth and Tarantula, I’m sorry, but anyone that’s spent two days in tech support know that there is no way you can ever trust anything a customer says. I’m really sorry, but it’s amazing the way they say they’ve tried something, and then you try the exact same thing, and suddenly it works. They’ll say they’re running Windows NT, and it turns out to be MacOS 9. You absolutely have to check and double-check everything, no matter what they say. It’s just harsh reality.
So you’re smarter than that, and we can trust what you say. Fine, but you are two in thousands. We can’t know that you’re the guys who’re telling the truth, and you saying that you’re telling the truth means absolutely zip, because everyone else says that as well.
Just trying to bridge the gap here. It’s not you, it’s the other twelve thousand dumbasses.
Now there’s a sig file.
Priceguy - I appreciate your point. It is funny though. I can’t resist calling them on it -
Tech - "Can you ping your IP address for me?
Me - “Yeah”
Tech - "Are you sure I know how?
Me - “Yeah, it’s done - it says 0% packet loss”
Tech - “Okay - I’m going to connect to your PC, can you click OK?”
Me - “Sure” click ok
Tech - run-cmd-ping ipaddress “Huh… 0% packet loss…”
Me - “Is that not what I just told you?”
Tech - “Yeah… eh, we just have to be sure…”
Me - “okay… enjoy yourself”
Cracks me up…
Yo!! Tech-face!!
I hate to interrupt the Doom III marathon you guys have going on down there in the dungeon, but when I request a vital piece of software and the guy comes and makes an unsuccessfull attempt at installing it, don’t ask me if the issue is “closed”. It is “closed” when I have a working version.
For my part, I will refrain from calling you whenever I have an icon I can’t reach because my mouse is at the edge of the mouse pad.
Users:
Please understand that there are certain steps you and I have to do to see if we can fix your problem… If those steps do not fix your issue, your call is going to need to be escalated. But if you will not let me check these simple, quick things on your computer, they will not let me escalate the call. If you cooperate, it will take less than 6 minutes to do all the steps. If I tell you were are going to check the drivers for your modem, you tell me the drivers for the modem are installed without conflicts in the device manager, well that is great, we won’t check that. But if you tell me “it can’t be a problem with the computer, because it’s brand new, it’s only two years old” Well, we better check just to make sure, eh?
Force of habit.
Don’t some places place some pretty strict security on their FTP access? It may be that they are very strict about who they let use, and the tech isn’t allowed to give that info out. We used to have some people who would ping ours and then back off when they realized what they were getting into. One person dumped some data before realizing we had a very secure withdrawal -> s/he never could get it off again.
Dear Tech Person:
When giving me a long list of numbers and letters to write down for later reference or to enter in a file you are having me edit, please don’t sigh and say smart aleck comments when I ask you to speak a little more slowly or ask you to repeat them. I’m not dumb but the numbers/letters that have some meaning to you begin to all run together after about four or five characters.
Also, when you ask me to reboot or are having me reinstall a program, please don’t sigh and ask Is it done yet? every three seconds. My computer isn’t ancient (it is only a year old which I guess makes it middle-aged) but it isn’t the fastest either. If you continue to sigh and make smart comments when we’re reinstalling windows (which according to the message on the screen will take another 25 minutes which I have told you several times already), please don’t get defensive when I politely thank you for your assistance and say that as I have the reference number and will call back if I need further assistance.
Customer:
Don’t think that we don’t keep notes on who calls about what and what we did. The notes aren’t always good, but if you’ve called 50 times about the same problem, asking for a refund and, when it is not given, refusing tech support and hanging up…well, why are you expecting something different today?
Along the same lines, I am not likely to make exceptions to paid support for you. Even if we didn’t get benefits from the number of paid support calls we take (can you tell I used to work for Apple?), it’s quite rare that we make exceptions, regardless. And telling me “I didn’t know my phone support would run out” when we’ve offered you a support plan five times this month is not going to cut it, either. Nor is “Well, apparently that’s on the paperwork (and the website and the contract you sign when you get the computer and on the hold music and on the phone tree, you dolt) but who really reads that stuff?”
Boy howdy, darlin’, I know I read any piece of paper that transfers $2500 from me to someone else.
Don’t tell me you didn’t drop your laptop or bash it against anything if there’s a great bloody crack through the screen. And when I call you on it, don’t say “Uhm, okay, well, I THINK that SOMEONE MIGHT have dropped it or SOMETHING like that…I don’t have to pay for it, do I?” My sympathy for your situation dried up when you lied.
When I ask “Have you made any changes to your computer between the time it was working and the time it wasn’t?”, take into account the fact that installing new software, upgrading your OS, adding new hardware, and changing your settings DO count as changes to your computer. If I didn’t want to know about these things, would I ask?
Aaaand, on the other end:
Techs:
I understand that 80% of the people you talk to are Utter Morons. That’s why, when the tech says to me “Click with the left button on your mouse – that’s the little thing to the right of your keyboard with the cord going to the back of your computer,” I say “Don’t worry man, I know my way around my computer, I’ve done tech support before.” Please do not go on with the “me dumb user” talk after that point. If I do not understand an instruction, I will ASK.
If I have called my ISP asking for their DNS information, I obviously don’t need a damn walkthrough of Dial-Up Networking. If I’m asking if the IPs are dynamic or static, you can bet I’ve gotten to that screen already.
LISTEN TO ME WHEN I EXPLAIN MY PROBLEM. When I say “I just got your video card, and it doesn’t work. I’ve done everything I can think of, including reformatting my entire system, reinstalling the OS and updating it to current, and downloading your most recent driver,” do NOT tell me to “Click on the big blue E and type http://videocardwebsite.com, then click on drivers, then click on your video card…”
When I tell you my sound card’s IRQ is 7, do not ask me to change it to 7 and see what happens.
When I have bought a DVD drive recently and can play DVD movies in it but I cannot load your software from the DVD you gave me, do NOT ask me “Are you sure that’s not your CD-ROM?”
Never, never, NEVER give your customers misinformation because you think they’ll screw up their computers if they know the truth. We BELIEVE our techs unless we actually know better. We LEARN from our techs. When I was a novice user (Illegal action? Oh NO! Is it downloading porn then?), I used the advice from techs to help me troubleshoot my system in the future.
Luckily they had not yet learned to lie.