Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May
I have your username please?
Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge
Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?
Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic
bookmarks your company put in my web browser!
Tech: We didn’t put any pornographic bookmarks in your web
Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I’m looking at them right now!
(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)
Tech: Where exactly are these “bookmarks” located?
Female Customer: In Netscape!
Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?
Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the
little down arrow!
Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?
Female Customer: Yes that one!
Tech: Miss, that’s the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the
past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an
address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your
computer and type in a web address.
Female Customer: Well I certainly didn’t type in those X rated
Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer,
and uses the Internet?
Female Customer: Just me and my husband!
(Several seconds of silence pass…Hey! I wasn’t going to say
Female Customer:…oh… OOOH! … Thank you.
(She quickly hung up)
Customer: “I got this problem. You people sent me this install
disk, and now my A drive won’t work.”
Tech Support: “Your A drive won’t work?”
Customer: “That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got
stuck in my drive, now it won’t work at all.”
Tech Support: “Did it not install properly? What kind of error
messages did you get?”
Customer: “I didn’t get any error message. The disk got stuck
in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and
tried to get it out and that didn’t work either.”
Tech Support: “You did what sir?”
Customer: “I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out,
but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic
stuff a bit.”
Tech Support: “I don’t understand sir, did you push the eject
Customer: “No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and
used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the
disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came
out fine. I can’t believe you would send me a disk that was
broke and defective.”
Tech Support: “Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in
your A drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?”
( At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned
at the other techs to listen in.)
Tech Support: “Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you
repeat what you just said?”
Customer: “I said I put butter in my A drive to get your crappy
disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out.”
Tech Support: “Did you push that little button that was sticking
out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called
the disk eject button?”
( Silence. )
Tech Support: “Sir?”
Tech Support: “Sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I
am going to sue you for breaking my computer!”
Tech Support: “Let me get this straight. You are going to sue
our company because you put the disk in the A drive, didn’t
follow the instructions we sent you, didn’t actually seek
professional advice, didn’t consult your user’s manual on how to
use your computer properly, but instead proceeded to pour butter
into the drive and physically rip the disk out?”
Tech Support: “Do you really think you stand a chance, since we
do record every call and have it on tape?”
Customer: ( now rather humbled ) “But you’re supposed to help!”
Tech Support: “I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do
for you. Have a nice day!”