I work in customer service.
Yes, some of the people I work with are fucknuts with their heads entirely too far up their asses. But I and most of my colleagues really are people who not only can help you, we want to. So here’s the deal:
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When I say “Hello, how may I help you today?” DO NOT respond with “help? You can’t help me. You can straighten out my fucking bill.” No, I can’t. I can explain to you why your bill is more than likely correct. Yes, our new software sucks, and yes, it has caused problems for some people, but nowhere near as many people as the media & City Council (who approved this piece-of-shit system that we didn’t want in the first place) would have you believe. You could say something like “I don’t understand this bill. I’m not sure if it’s correct. Could you help me figure it out?” Yes, I’d be happy to, and if it is wrong, we will correct it as soon as possible, and cheerfully, too!
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Printed very clearly on your shutoff notice is “no arrangements will be made on this bill.” Do not hand me the bill and say “I’d like to make an arrangement on this bill.” The answer won’t necessarily be “no,” but you’ve got to show me why I should. Hard luck stories don’t always cut it, either. You’re the 50th person today who’s just had a baby/lost a relative/been out-of-town/was abducted by aliens, for fuck’s sake! Ask me if I can help you. Let me look at your payment history, and if I can see that you’ve been trying, even if it’s only ten bucks a month, I’ll go to bat for you with my supervisor. Oh yeah–if I do convince my supervisor that you’re worth it (and believe me, I do have to beg my superiors for arrangements), keep the damn arrangement. Because if you don’t, you’ll never get another one. I’m not kidding. And if something happens and you can’t keep it, call us. We’re not evil. We’ll try to work something out. One more thing: If you haven’t made a payment within the last six months, the answer is no, and I’ll be happy to get my supervisor to tell you the same thing.
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Do not bitch to me about the state of our local government. I work for it. I know what a mess we’re in. I don’t much care what you think of the mayor. The fact is, he beat the other candidate in the last election. You want him out? Start a recall campaign. Quit voting for him. Or just wait three years. This city is in such dire shape there’s no way in hell he’s going to get elected again. Just quit whining to me about it. I didn’t vote for him.
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If you want a zero balance on your bill, pay the amount that’s printed there. If your bill is $30, and you only pay $15, it’s going to carry over. Don’t say we double-billed you. You half-paid us. Do the math.
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Volume doesn’t get you anywhere. You aren’t Dogbert the LOUD DOG. You won’t get what you want by screaming, especially after we’ve proven to you eight ways to Sunday that you are not correct. You might think you have to teach us a lesson, but trust me–when you scream and swear and call us heartless thieving bastards, all you do is make yourself look foolish in public. Loud customers make the others waiting behind you get quiet, because they don’t want to look like you just did, no matter how angry they were when they first came in.
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A personal note to the lady who took up an hour of one of my co-worker’s days today, at 4 pm, when there was a line out the door behind you: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, bitch. He told you that your payment was probably here, but since we’re so shorthanded due to the massive layoffs we’ve just suffered, it hadn’t been processed yet. What did you do? You insisted that he go find it. That man, and one of his senior clerks, spent an hour looking for your “little white envelope,” amongst the thousands of other “little white envelopes” here in our office. I and the other three clerks waited on approximately 200 other people while you stood there, taking up space. He found your payment, and in your favor, you thanked him politely for his patience. And in the most amazing display of class I’ve seen in years, he gave you a genuine smile, and said “No trouble, ma’am. I’m sorry it took so long.” But after you left, and the doors were locked (yes, you took up so much of his time that we had to lock the doors behind you), he fell to his knees, and said “oh God, can I please go home now?”
I enjoy my job. I really do. Most people are genuinely decent, and I will go out of my way to help you, even when that little voice in my head is telling me not to. Just try to show the folks in the trenches a little courtesy, and I swear, we will use everything at our disposal to help you. I swear.