Hints for the public, when dealing with clerks

The BBQ Pit
1

Last night, I had my last shift of what I hope is my last clerk job ever. The five-odd years I’ve spent in various clerk jobs have been an eye-opening experience. Frankly, it has been all I could do to hold on to my faith in humanity.

So here we go:

[ol][li]Do not pay with fifty dollars in unrolled nickels Or dimes. Even $20 in unrolled quarters is excessive. Clerks are within their rights to refuse such things.[/li][li]Do invent laws on the spot Where I worked, in Quebec, Canada, it is indeed legal for me to set an Interac minimum, to refuse $100, and to restrict access to the washroom (especially when the washroom is in a non-restaurant-type business, in an office, next to the safe). As for the man who said “This is America, and it is against the law to disrespect me,” I regret to inform you that you were wrong on both counts.[/li][li]Do not compare foodstuffs to Hitler When you ask, “How’s the soup?” and the clerk says, “I’ve never tried it, but it seems to be popular,” don’t say, “Yeah, well so was Adolf Hitler.”[/li][li]Do not share your crackpot beliefs with the clerk Clerks are required to smile and nod and be polite no matter what you say. It’s no fair abusing that. I do not want to hear it if you think the Illuminati are running things (I thought Illuminati conspiracy theories were just an internet joke…), if you think what’s wrong with Canada is allowing non-white immigration, or if you think Oprah Winfrey is literally the Whore of Babylon as predicted in Revelations (“She’s the riches unmarried woman in the world. that makes here the whore of Babylon”)[/li][li]The clerk is not your psychiatrist Your petty emotional problems caused by the ongoing renovations to your daughter’s home are likely to make a clerk who has, say, just lost a friend suicidal. [/li][li]Do not harass the clerk for sex And really, do NOT call up a clerk just after closing and ask to “meet.” And then keep calling. Hearing you go silent, by the way, while a woman (I’m guessing your wife) talks to you in the background is definitely not a turn-on.[/li][li]Do not masturbate in the porn section*[/li][li]Do not steal[/li][li]If you must steal, do not insult the clerk’s intelligence This means a)do not claim to know my boss – I’ll just ask for a name (invariably, they give a man’s name, and my last boss was a woman); b) claim to be the president a company that does not exist, and call at 10pm on a Sunday to say that you have authorized a cash refund on a product your company sent us, to a customer, when we don’t even sell that product; c) accuse the clerk of “just picking on you because you’re black” while you are slipping a second magazine into your jacket and making no attempt to hide it; d) If you cannot remember the name on the stolen credit card, do not use the name “Elizabeth Taylor,” especially if you are a francophone male; e) Do not rob the store at knifepoint when a clerk who knows you by name is on shift[/li][li]For that matter, don’t insult the clerk’s intelligence at all Most clerks I’ve worked with either have university degrees, or are university students. Do not say, “Don’t ever go to school kid; you’ll just learn things and then you’ll get depressed.” If your clerk correctly identifies a mythological creature as being from Pliny’s Natural History, do not say “Very Good!” in a cloying voice usually reserved for small children who are potty training. [/li][li]If anglophone, please be advised that the French language is not a defect We do not give cash refunds because you were too stupid to check what language your magazine was in, especially when it is in French, in a French-speaking province, in a city that is majority French-speaking[/li][li]Do not spit your gum on the floor[/li][li]When using the bathroom, try to aim for the toilet[/li][li]Your clerk is not omniscient No, I do not know which magazines have ads in them for Absolut Vodka. Do not say, “I’m looking for a magzaine that has an article on art this month, but it’s not an art magazine,” and expect any response besides a stupified stare. Do not get angry at me when I don’t know if the drivers from PC Driver magazine are compatible with your computer. What am I? Tech support?[/li][li]Do not tell the clerk how easy his or her job is[/li][li]Do not yell at the clerk because you don’t like the prices clerks don’t set prices.[/li][li]And finally, do not pound on the door after the clerk has closed the cash, cashed out, locked everything away, done the nightly reports, etc, because you "Just want a pack of smokes![/ol][/li]
*This is the only thing on the list not from personal experience. It happened to a manager of mine. Every other example on this list has been drawn from my own shifts.

2

PREACH IT, BROTHER!!!
I still have nightmares about going back to work in retail. I would get the most dumbass questions. The one that never fails to crack me up is the time this elderly couple asked me if bean specks in vanilla ice cream meant lima beans.

3

[QUOTE=Hamish]
[ol][li]Do not pay with fifty dollars in unrolled nickels Or dimes. Even $20 in unrolled quarters is excessive. Clerks are within their rights to refuse such things.[/li][/quote]

Did that once. I was eight at the time, though, and I was still self-aware enough to realize halfway through the transaction how totally fucking annoying I was being.

[quote]
[li]Do invent laws on the spot Where I worked, in Quebec, Canada, it is indeed legal for me to set an Interac minimum, to refuse $100, and to restrict access to the washroom (especially when the washroom is in a non-restaurant-type business, in an office, next to the safe). As for the man who said “This is America, and it is against the law to disrespect me,” I regret to inform you that you were wrong on both counts.[/li][/quote]

You know, legally you can shoot people who do that.

[quote]
[li]Do not share your crackpot beliefs with the clerk Clerks are required to smile and nod and be polite no matter what you say. It’s no fair abusing that. I do not want to hear it if you think the Illuminati are running things (I thought Illuminati conspiracy theories were just an internet joke…), if you think what’s wrong with Canada is allowing non-white immigration, or if you think Oprah Winfrey is literally the Whore of Babylon as predicted in Revelations (“She’s the riches unmarried woman in the world. that makes here the whore of Babylon”)[/li][/quote]

So, if Oprah finally marries that Steadman dude, she’ll no longer be the Whore of Babylon? Is it like Miss America, where there’s a runner up who takes over the duties of Whore of Babylon if the winner is unable to fulfil them? If every woman on Earth who has any money at all got married, would that mean the Whore of Bobylon would be a toothless baglady scrounging cans behind the local Piggly Wiggly?

[quote]
[li]Do not masturbate in the porn section*[/li][/quote]

Sorry.

[quote]
[li]For that matter, don’t insult the clerk’s intelligence at all Most clerks I’ve worked with either have university degrees, or are university students. Do not say, “Don’t ever go to school kid; you’ll just learn things and then you’ll get depressed.” If your clerk correctly identifies a mythological creature as being from Pliny’s Natural History, do not say “Very Good!” in a cloying voice usually reserved for small children who are potty training.[/li][/quote]

Can I still use you as an object lesson for my children while I pay for my purchases? “See what happens if you don’t do your homework, Timmy? Do you want to end up a clerk like this useless schlub?”

[quote]
[li]If anglophone, please be advised that the French language is not a defect We do not give cash refunds because you were too stupid to check what language your magazine was in, especially when it is in French, in a French-speaking province, in a city that is majority French-speaking[/li][/quote]
[/ol]

If I were you in this situation, I would insist, absolutely deadpan, that the magazine is in English. Especially if you can read French, and can translate on the fly.

4

And just remember: that sign behind the cashstand, the one that says “We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone” – that means YOU. And at that point, yelling won’t help. And the manger will be on my side. And we have called 911 on asshats like you before and will not hesitate to do it again, especially when you start saying things like “I know which car is yours, and I’ll be waiting for you after closing!”

Oh… (shakes head to clear it) oh my… I’m sorry. I guess the memory of working retail is still too fresh in my mind. Whoo.

5

Mind if I add a few, from personal experience (and a few coworkers’ experiences)?

– Don’t masturbate in the kids’ section either.
– It is not the clerk’s job to bend the rules for you. Should a rule-bending be called for, supervisory say-so is required.
– No, you cannot use the accounting office copier, nor can you “just borrow” a magazine to take up the street to Kinko’s because you “just need one article”. Spend the $4 on the magazine or go to the library, dumbass.
– Don’t leave your plastic silverware in the ladies’ room.
– Please limit your pornmag hiding to one non-porn mag to one porn mag. Trust me, when you try to stuff three porn mags into one issue of Import Tuner you aren’t fooling anyone and you’re damaging merchandise you’re obviously not going to buy.
– If you’re going to do naked situps, please do them at home and not in the mens’ room.

And that’s just from working retail. The things my mother has dealt with working at a public library in a busy downtown area … yikes!

6

Do not pee on the seats when there is a public bathroom just around the corner (Public Library)

Do not use the public bathroom as a private place to have sex (Downtown Mall)

7

I know I always post in these thread, but can I add one of my favorites?

If you’re going to haughtily ask me to “Show ME where it says that!”, have the decency to look embarassed when I point to the huge sign over my head and circle the clause on the front AND back of the receipt you’re waving at me.

8

Do not accuse the clerk of being prejudiced against you because he is Jewish, particularly when he is not Jewish.

Do not insult a Québécois clerk in bad French.

Do not respond to the failure of your scam attempt by saying, 'I’m never coming in here again! We do not take this as a threat.

9

I’m not, but then I work at a Contract Post Office so I’m pretty sure that isn’t the norm.

10

Do not attempt to get the clerk’s attention by coughing, waving, beckoning with your hands, staring pointedly but silently from across the room, snapping your fingers, grunting, sighing huffily and making comments about how hard it is to find things under your breath, clapping, whistling, or wiggling your fingers. Seriously, people, do you not realize how utterly rude this is? Would you like it if we got your attention by whistling and snapping our fingers at you? Am I a fucking dog?

Please allow me to repeat…

THE CLERKS DO NOT SET THE FUCKING PRICES

(That is my first, last and only use of alternate font colors on this board.)

I wasn’t asked when they decided how much we charge for long-distances faxes! They didn’t consult me on the issue of how much a color copy should cost! I CAN NOT CHANGE THE REGISTER
Do not ask or expect the clerk to break the law for you. If you’re underage, no tobacco or alcohol, no exceptions. If your daughter’s wedding portrait was taken by a professional photographer, no photocopies without the photographer’s written permission, no exceptions. It doesn’t matter whether it’s your 18th birthday next week, or whether the photographer is in Hong Kong and wants $300 for a 4x6 print; the law is the law and fuck you if you expect me to break it because you’re more important than the penal code.

11

We would really rather they not pee on our seats either.

Tinkertoy the Librarian.

12

I used to work at a tropical fish store, one day we had a customer who was in the store until about 20 min after close. I unlocked the door to let him out and another guy grabs the door, says, “Oh no, you’re not closing yet” and walks in.

The worst part was the manager says, “It’s ok, let him in.”

Here’s a couple specific to the tropical fish industry…

If the clerk gives you advice AGAINST buying something, they’re probably not lying to you

and

If you ignore the clerk’s advice and it doesn’t work out, THIS IS NOT THE CLERK’S FAULT

13

What is a clerk supposed to say when catching someone masturbating in the porn section? Somehow, “Hey you, beat it!” doesn’t seem appropriate.

14

I think I had that guy!!! When I was a dealer at the Montreal Casino. I was dealing Roulette, and some guy was getting real pissed off that he was losing (understandable). But he had an attitude from the minute he showed up at my table. He was a young dude (23 maximum) with a “my shit doesn’t stink” attitude. Real show off too. His friends were tagging along, but not playing. I think the whole reason he was there was to show his friends how much of a “high roller” he is, and how important he is. He was real snippy with me, treating me like I was his personal slave (I bet that’s how his parents treat the “hired help” aka maid, nanny, gardener). He made sexist comments to his friends “under his breath”, but for everyone to hear. Ex: “Shouldn’t she be home cooking supper for her husband?” Real asshole.

My pit boss knew that I was being real patient with this guy. Having years of experience, it takes a lot for me to blow. After cleaning him out, Asshole says, “Put me on break for a few minutes.” He goes to the bank machine and comes back with $500 in crisp new twenties, fresh from the mint.

Asshole proceeds to take each bill, crumple it in a ball, and throw it at me ~ sometimes landing on the table, sometimes hitting my vest and then landing on the table. Most of the other players were regulars and also knew that I’m patient, but when I blow, I lose it. So they’re all watching thinking, “Oh, this is gonna be good.” I stood there and watched him as he crumpled and threw 25 bills at me. When he was done, I uncrumpled them one by one. At this point, I’m thinking, “What do I do?” Casino rules are very strict and you have to make very specific moves when touching money, so the cameras can see everything.

I laid each uncrumpled bill on the table, in rows of five, for a count of $500. I said, “$500”. The pit boss (watching as eagerly as my other players) said, “$500”. I picked up the money and threw it back at Asshole; then I made a ‘dust off’, to show the cameras my hands were empty. Some of the money landed on the table. Some of it landed on the floor. I said, “When you learn some manners, I’ll welcome you at my table. Until then, I’m not dealing to you. Take your money and your attitude elsewhere.”

What did he say? “This is America, and it is against the law to disrespect me.” To which I replied, “No, this is Canada. You’ll be granted the same respect you afford me.” He said, “NORTH AMERICA ~ SAME THING! And you’re just a woman, I won’t ever respect you.” To which I said, “Well I guess you’ve just been dissed by a woman. How small do you feel now?” His faced turned ten shades of red and his friends were laughing at him.

He went off to bitch to my pit boss and the shift manager. I was lucky that both backed me. (The shift manager had been watching from afar, unbeknownst to me, the whole time). She later told me, “I’m surprised you lasted that long.” Any other pit bosses/shift managers and I could have been suspended for a few days.

But there’s a point in time where you just don’t give a shit anymore.

15

CheekyMonkey613 - great story!

16

So don’t tell me you’ll give me $40 for a $80 necklace for “pocket money”. And stop begging me to do it!

–Don’t come from Canada in your nightgown so you can wear your new clothes when you cross the border. Fucking cheapskate. Just pay the duty!

17

:dubious: :confused: Where do people GET these ideas? :smack:

And again, where do people GET these ideas? I was amazed at how many kids my boss had when I was working in a convenience/deli/liquor store. I usually told them to wait right there, my boss is in the back and I’m SURE that he’d love to know that they’re saying it’s OK for them to take booze (when they’re clearly underage)/candy/cigarettes/whatever. The boss, by the way, actually did have a couple of kids…both of them preschoolers. I’ve run into people telling me “I know the boss/owner/manager” in other situations, too. I don’t know if it EVER works on anyone, but it doesn’t work on me. Just pisses me off.

As I mentioned above, one of the stores I worked in had a deli in it. When I was working the deli, I was amazed at how many people tried to get me to write an incorrect price or weight on their ticket. Sure, we had high prices, but we were a CONVENIENCE store. If you want cheap prices, you go to a regular grocery store.

18

My husband was shopping at Casual Male a couple weeks ago and they had a Coat sale. It was something like 40% off the original prices, which is fantastic.

The new prices were INDICATED ON THE STICKER.

So a gentleman comes in and decides that’s ‘illegal’ to indicate a sale price on the sticker and says to the clerk:

“I’m going to stand here until you give me the right price”

He gave up after fifteen minutes or so.

19

As for the “I know your boss” ploy, I once had the pleasure of informing a lady that my boss, her close personal friend, :rolleyes: had died two years ago.

20

This summer as I was waiting tables, I cut off one of my customers because he had been overserved.

He got real beligerant and warned me (shaking a finger in my face) that he was going to PERSONALLY see to it that HERBIE (the owner) knew what I had done.

I said “You do that”, considering Herbie died last winter.