i'd like to point out that YOU called ME for help, snotpile.

I work in tech support for a fairly popular computer manufacturer. I really like my job. i get to help people all day long. I get to deal with literally thousands of different problems, and I’m constantly learning. It’s a great feeling when someone calls you in tears because their computer ‘doesn’t work anymore’ and ten minutes later, they think you’re a SuperGoddess. The job also has other little perks to save for the folks at home:

“So I was on the phone with my computer and…”

“The internet doesn’t work anymore.”

My personal favorite-
“AOL is my ISP”

I don’t even mind most of the irate or angry customers. Maybe they’ve been flailing around cluelessly for a week and just made the problem worse, and so they’re pissed off, defensive, frustrated, and raging when they call me. Maybe they’ve dealt with three or five or nine different techs, and now they just want to yell at someone. Maybe it’s their very first computer ever and they’re scared to click anything and convinced lightning will strike them if they admit they did something they shouldn’t have, so then they start lying about what they’ve done.

I don’t mind. I let 'em vent. They need that. And when they’re done, I tell them that it’s over now. Everything stops right here. We will start at the beginning, and we won’t quit until your problem is solved, and I’ve told you how to prevent it from coming back, and what to do if it does. I can’t control how they’ve been treated before, and I can’t click my heels together and make it so the problem never happened, but whatever it is, whether it takes three minutes or three hours, I can fix it. And if it’s hardware that I can’t fix over the phone? It’ll take me three minutes to set up a service order to fix or replace whatever it is. I’ve never yet sent away a customer who was within my support boundaries without solving the problem. So no matter how angry they are at first, I am not ruffled, because I know deep in my wittle heart that I’m the dude that can help. See?

However. I can’t do a fucking thing for you if you refuse to do what I ask you to. I’m not quite sure how you expect me to fix it if you won’t TOUCH the EVERFUKKING COMPUTER. I don’t give a rip what your tekkie friends told you. It does not help me to hear ten minutes of how Joe down the hall said not to ever, ever shut it off, and for godssake don’t ever, ever, ever press any keys if they tell you to.

And no, I’m not sending you a new goddamned machine without doing any troubleshooting first. After I’ve asked you fifty fercristsakes times if you’ve seen ANY error messages, you finally admit to well, just that one…which tells me your WHOLE PROBLEM. Yes, I understand that you didn’t feel it was pertinent because the last three techs had never heard of it. but I really do want to help. really. And when I ask you if you’ve installed any new software, I do that for (surprise!) a Purpose.

And no, that twenty year old DOS program you like so much is not going to work on your XP machine. Not now, not ever, not this one, not a new one, not even if you do think I’m ‘a little young to be trying to tell you about DOS’.

And after I’ve wasted an hour trying to explain this to you, and explaining your options, and explaining the steps I can take toward getting you back up and running, you want a supervisor. Fine with me. I’m tired of wasting my lifeforce on you. Then you get me back on the phone, and you’re mad because the supervisor said the same things I said, because he was reading my case notes, because I was right.

And you tell me you’re trying to run a business there, and that all you really want is for me to tell you how to fix it, right now, today, then send you a new computer. So I thank you for your patience, and tell you that the first thing I need is for you to shut your computer down and when you turn it back on…and that’s as far as I get. you’re not doing anything like that. Did I really think I was going to “trick” you into doing that.

Actually, I had hoped to.

So, fuck you. Fuck you, and your friend Joe, and your uncle who has been working with computers for twenty years. And fuck your son, who installed the same software on a computer at Christmas and had the same problem. And fuck the tech who told him he had never heard of that error, and sent him a new computer, which is still sitting in a box in the closet. And fuck your customers who depend on you, and who have a lot of business information stored on your machine, and fuck their friends who referred them to you in the first place. And fuck the poor, misguided sales clerk who sold you the computer in the first place. And in case you missed it the first time, most importantly, from the bottom of my heart, fuck you.

This pathetic rant has been brought to you by your favorite unheard of Customer Interaction Agent, and the letter F.

No, I can’t check to see if all the plugs are secure… it’s too dark back there because the power is out all over the block!

Now tell me how to fix the damn thing!:wink:

Nice rant!

Uh… AOL is my ISP.

Am I missing something here?


They call it AOHell for a reason, y’know…

Hey Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho, for the life of me I can’t remember where I’ve heard “Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho”.

Steve Martin?
Monty Python?
Eddie Murphy?
Maybe from some obscure movie that’s now collecting dust somewhere on a shelf?

[/hijacka Hi Hiney Ho]


Pee Wee’s Playhouse. He may have gotten it from somewhere else, but I remember hearing it there.

[Nick Burns, computer guy voice]Oh, by the way…YOU’RE WELCOME[/Nick Burns, computer guy voice]

I guess I just happen to get the idiot techs. Some years ago I was using Compuserve and suddenly one day I cannot connect. I call CS asnd they tell me I need to reconfigure 100 things which just messed up my computer. It turned out to be a problem with their local modems.

Just a couple f weeks ago I had the same situation with my ADSL connection. I was connected when suddenly the connection goes south. So I call them and the woman starts asking me questions about my system. Forget about my fucking system and get the modem at the central office up and running! But no, I have to tell her the moest minute details of my system. And after I have done that she says: “OH, Athlon 1800 XP, yes we have had that problem before, you need to flash your Bios with the latest flash” Um, no I don’t you idiot. The computer was working fine until ten minutes ago. I want to return to the situation I had ten minutes ago. But she kept going on and on that I had to do that. Needless to say I am not going to flash my BIOS on account that some ignorant twit who thinks she knows what she is talking about is telling me to do it. After a couple of hours’ outage the connection was up again and some guy called me to say they had a power outage at the central office.

If there is something I hate is a tech person who does not recognise when the customer knows as much, if not more, than she does.

Neenah, my brother’s cousin’s sister’s best friend’s mom’s barber knows about computers and says that AOL is the best.

Part of my job description for the last 10 or so years has been to do the exact thing you’re talking about, only in person as well as by phone.

Ever had a 12 year old kid stand over your shoulder and tell you what you’re doing wrong?

How about a lady who was convinced her machine had been hacked, had changed her phone # 3 times, cancelled her credit cards, and was getting ready to move, all because her husband was signing up for porn sites and lying about it?

And by phone, I once had a lady use WINDEX on the inside of her fucking computer while it was ON because I ever so stupidly told her to clean off some files.

There are times when I wish we were issued cattle prods for the customers. Negative reinforcement is better than letting them live in peace.

Aaaaah, the Lament Of Tech Support. You’d think these people would know that it is inadvisable to piss off the person about to perform brain surgery on their machine.

For your amusement…

http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/ Be glad you don’t work with this guy.

http://members.iinet.net.au/~bofh/ Our hero and ultimate role model. :smiley:

So what do I do with this plugie innie thingie?

Cool title, though!

Fuck it, I’ve been on the other side of the Tech Support wall too recently to find this thread funny. Fucking DELL. Fuck Dell to the donkey ball sucking layer of hell.

I got my new Dell less than a month ago. When I got it, everything worked fine except I couldn’t log on to Everquest. As 90% of the reason I bought this fucking computer was to play EQ, this was a BIG problem. No, it wasn’t my ISP, or my connection, or my modem. I could unplug the #!#!@ cable from my new computer and plug it into my old computer and log on JUST FUCKING FINE. It was either a bad setting in WinXP or a hardware problem.

Try explaining this to Dell.

I spent an hour on the phone being shuttled from Software Support to Hardware Support to Advanced OS support then back to Software Support. At one point the fucking tech support bitch from hell told me that I had a hardware problem and she was transfering me to HW support. I told her I’d been to HW support, twice, now please connect me to a manager. “Well,” she says “I really think HW support will help you.” Fuck that, I want to talk to a manager. She says OK, and connects me to HW support.

At this point, I have to restrain myself from throwing the phone across the room.

I finally get connected to a manager. After I threaten to send the fucking computer back to Dell for a refund, “Terri” tells me she’s going to have her top tech support person call me back as soon as this tech support Goddess comes in to work. That was 3 weeks ago. I have yet to hear from said Tech Support Goddess.

When I talked to Terri, I asked how I could get back with her directly since I’d had such problems with the phone run around. She said there was no direct number or extension, but she was the manager and if I called the 800 number again and asked for her, everyone would know who she was and I could ask to get connected with her again. When I called the 800 number and asked to talk to Terri the Manager, the person I spoke with had never heard of a manager named Terri.

Fucking Dell.

I finally went out and bought a $15 network card, since I suspected the network card was the problem. I plugged it in, and BANG, everything worked, and has been working since.

The Tech Support Goddess still has not called.

Then why you calling me? Fix it yourself fucknut!

>> Then why you calling me? Fix it yourself fucknut!

Because the problem is at your end of the line you fucking idiot. Or am I supposed to go to the central office with my soldering iron and insert it un your ass afater I have repaired the problem myself. What an idiot.

>> Then why you calling me? Fix it yourself fucknut!

Because the problem is at your end of the phone line you fucking idiot. Or am I supposed to go to the central office with my soldering iron and insert it up your ass after I have repaired the problem myself. What a jerk.