We are here to help you. We like helping you. We do not mean to make this difficult, but it’s time to lay out a few ground rules.
If it is beyond your mental capacity to read the TWO INCH TALL model number on the front of your computer, you may not call tech support.
If, after 15 minutes of searching, you cannot tell if the phone line is plugged into your computer, you may not call tech support.
If you plan to insist that it can’t possibly be a hardware problem and refuse to troubleshoot because “It can’t be broken, it worked before,” you may not call tech support.
If you want to find out if your model comes bundled with a printer, but refuse to open the box and tell us the model number, you may not call tech support.
If you plan to pee loudly while you’re on the phone, you may not call tech support.
If you need help getting rid of a pesky program you shouldn’t have downloaded, but refuse to tell me the name of the program because " It shouldn’t make any difference! Just tell me how to fix it!" You may not call tech support.
If you insist that the reason your computer is “actin’ funny” is because the FBI has “hacked inta my modem” from the barn across the road, you may call tech support, but please be advised that the size of your tin foil hat directly affects the length of time you will spend on hold while I try to quit snorking.
If there is a voice inside your computer, please don’t complicate the situation by telling me that it happened right after the Chinese hard-wired the virus into your house. Call me simple, but I really prefer to deal with one issue at a time.
I guess that’s about it. I’ve actually had all those calls, some of them more than once. Most days I can deal. Some days, I think you should have to pass a basic literacy test before you can buy a computer. Today, I’m convinced that personal computer are only purchased by walking, drooling rocks and evil aliens whose mission is to…well, you know.