You May Not Call Tech Support.

We are here to help you. We like helping you. We do not mean to make this difficult, but it’s time to lay out a few ground rules.

If it is beyond your mental capacity to read the TWO INCH TALL model number on the front of your computer, you may not call tech support.

If, after 15 minutes of searching, you cannot tell if the phone line is plugged into your computer, you may not call tech support.

If you plan to insist that it can’t possibly be a hardware problem and refuse to troubleshoot because “It can’t be broken, it worked before,” you may not call tech support.

If you want to find out if your model comes bundled with a printer, but refuse to open the box and tell us the model number, you may not call tech support.

If you plan to pee loudly while you’re on the phone, you may not call tech support.

If you need help getting rid of a pesky program you shouldn’t have downloaded, but refuse to tell me the name of the program because " It shouldn’t make any difference! Just tell me how to fix it!" You may not call tech support.

If you insist that the reason your computer is “actin’ funny” is because the FBI has “hacked inta my modem” from the barn across the road, you may call tech support, but please be advised that the size of your tin foil hat directly affects the length of time you will spend on hold while I try to quit snorking.

If there is a voice inside your computer, please don’t complicate the situation by telling me that it happened right after the Chinese hard-wired the virus into your house. Call me simple, but I really prefer to deal with one issue at a time.

I guess that’s about it. I’ve actually had all those calls, some of them more than once. Most days I can deal. Some days, I think you should have to pass a basic literacy test before you can buy a computer. Today, I’m convinced that personal computer are only purchased by walking, drooling rocks and evil aliens whose mission is to…well, you know.


Great rant. We all know anyone who’s buying pre-made desk tops needs to be checked out anyhow.

Drat, I’ve been “found out”!

Curses, my years of planning have been foiled!

No matter, I will “go underground” and resurface in a decade or so to start my scheme anew. I have a longer lifespan than you mere humans, and patience to match it. I shall return. :stuck_out_tongue:

So, was it my screen name that gave it all away, or just a really lucky guess?:smiley: :wink:

Seriously, my sympathies. I’ve wondered what kind of calls people in your profession recieve. Sounds like you get some doozys. Maybe you ought to write the really wild ones down. You could write a comic/tragic novel about it. I’d buy such a book.


Uh, yeah. Goddamn us lusers who want a reliable machine at an affordable price! And double-goddamn us for not needing the Geek Validation and sneer of condescension that accompanies the phrase “Well, I built mine.”


Assembling a home box used to mean something. Not no longer. Hate to break it to ya.


Have fun.

What’s wrong with building your own? You get guaranteed new components (unlike Gateway), non-proprietary parts (unlike Compaq) and a low price (unlike Dell and all the others mentioned). I built mine, and I will never buy a pre-assembled one off the shelf.

Which is fine, Q.E.D – nothing wrong with wanting to build your own. But a bunch of us are exactly as interested in acquiring the knowledge of the fine inner workings of a computer as we are in knowing how to assemble our transmissions – not at all. Sure, we pay more to Dell than we would to build our own. But it comes built so we can get right to doing work at home, getting our taxes right and working on that novel[sup]1[/sup]. It seems silly to condescend to anyone who would make that choice.

Which does not, of course, detract from the OP’s rant, which is a great one.

[sup]1[/sup]: OK, downloading porn, playing GTA and posting to the SDMB.

I was hardly being condescending. If you want to buy factory assembled, knock yourself out. My post was in response to andros’ rather snarky, IMO, post.

Maybe because some of us don’t know jackshit about building a computer, and we’d prefer to have it done right?

I actually had a friend build mine, however, so would that count?

Ah, but his, in turn, was in response to badmana, who was being (at best) condescending. Sorry for the confusion.

Oh yes, I agree there. Certainly not everyone desires to build or is capable of building their own machine, and that’s fine.

Actually, Dell tends to offer computers for prices not too much lower than ones you can build yourself. I mean, let’s face it, after you spend enough money to buy a good motherboard, processor (even a lower cost AMD), case, power supply, adequate video card, reliable memory, suitable monitor, hard drive, assorted CD drives, possibly a floppy drive, ect… you end up spending almost just as much for one of Dell’s better-priced PCs. And, what’s even better: if something goes wrong within the first year, you just have to deal–warranty-wise–with one company.

I mean, yeah, I still build my own PCs, but the prices for Dells always give me pause before I start gathering parts for a new system.

And when Dell servers are on sale? Heck, you can’t beat those prices! (Well, not by much, anyway…)

That said, can someone kick Compackard’s collective butts for designing crappy cases? :stuck_out_tongue:

You can get a fully assembled eMachine with a 2 GHz processor, 128 MB of memory, a DVD-ROM and CD-RW, and a 40 GB hard drive preloaded with Windows XP and some office crap, for $400 at a national chain store.

In contrast, the parts for my computer, with half the CPU speed and twice the RAM, cost around $1000 on Pricewatch, only two years ago.

Yikes! If we’re only talking about the CPU, you got robbed, buddy. I built mine from a barebones system for about $350, reusing my old drives. Celeron 700, 128MB RAM, 10/100 base-T NIC, 56k modem and 350 W power supply, about 3 years ago. I bought a 13 GB HDD about two years ago for around $100, and a CD-RW drive for around $50, making total cost $500.

Yabbut, eMachines are widely regarded as the worst crapola. Anybody who falls for that “deal” deserves the consequences.

Also, a lot of those “deals” include 2 years of indentured servitude to MSN for a $200 discount.

I have to add:

Please do not phone tech support if you are drunk. You are not as charming as you think you are.
And who phones tech support in the middle of a party anyway?

And if you do something stupid like deleting modem drivers from your computer because you want to free up space on your computer, and you can’t figure out why you can’t connect to the internet…yes, yes I am laughing at you.

Heh, nope. Case + PSU, mobo + CPU (AMD Tbird 1 GHz), 128MB SDRAM, DVD-ROM, CD-RW, sound card, video card, speakers, and floppy came out to about $1000 IIRC. And I’ve had to replace both the DVD-ROM and the CD-RW since then.

Of course, my SB Live and Geforce2 are a little better than the onboard crap that comes in an eMachine… but the eMachine also includes a keyboard and mouse, and preloaded OS and software.

Whoops. 256 MB, not 128.

Neenah, I have dealt with these same people.

As for your literacy test, I think it should be required of adults before they are allowed to do any public interaction.