Found this on a disk just this past weekend. It’s something I wrote back in 2002… when internet speeds are not as they are now.
Just found this one in the archives. It was like a whole different world back then…
“Hey, honey!”
“What?”
“Come see?”
"Dammit… (puts book down. Gets up. Wanders through house to library, where computer is. “All right, what is it?”
“Your sister sent is a picture of the new baby!”
“Oh? Cool! Where is it?”
“We have to click on the attachment.”
“Well, go for it.”
“There.”
“Oookay. There’s a picture of a baby in there, somewhere, right?”
“Yes, dippy one. It has to download.”
“It’s going to do it today, right?”
“Yes, silly.”
“It’s… downloading, now, right?”
“As fast as it can.”
“How big was the original picture?”
“Something like 1017 kb.”
“Ah. You mean that that my dear sister has sent us a POSTER of our nephew.”
“Something like that.”
“What’s that?”
“I dunno. The bottom part of it hasn’t downloaded yet.”
“It’s green.”
“Yes, dear, I can see that.”
“And there’s orange stuff around it.”
“Well, those are certainly very Halloweeny colors.”
“I hope this doesn’t mean he’s ill.”
“Who?”
“Paden. Our nephew. The baby who is presumably in the picture somewhere.”
“Why would he be ill?”
“Well, if they sent us a picture of him, and he’s green and orange, it would certainly imply he’s unwell…”
“I think if he were that ill, they’d be doing something with him other than taking his picture.”
“Well, I dunno. If OUR child were turning green and orange, I’d certainly want a picture.”
“That’s because you’re an ass. Hey, I see a sliver of fleshtone!”
“Y’think that’s Paden?”
“It could be a while before we know. Is there coffee?”
“No. Want some?”
“Yeah, let’s.”
(Everyone leaves the computer, and coffee is made. In time, everyone returns)
“Hey, look! It’s Paden! It’s his eyes!”
“And that’s about all. Looks like they dressed him up like a pumpkin, and had his picture taken in a pumpkin patch.”
“Awwww… that’s cute.”
“Yeah. Got his mother’s eyes, that one.”
“I wonder if he’s smiling?”
“It would be cute if he was.”
“How long will it take to find out?”
“Well, luckily we’ve got a cable modem, so it shouldn’t be more than a half hour or so. Is there cake?”
“No. Want some?”
“Yes.”
(everyone leaves the computer. Cake is obtained.)
“Hey, look! He’s smiling!”
“He has teeth.”
“Well, yes. I understand that happens to babies, if you wait long enough. They sprout all kinds of stuff.”
“It would appear our earlier hypothesis was correct. Looks like they dressed him up like a pumpkin and had his picture taken.”
“Is, there, like some rule that says you have to have that done? I must have been sent, like, five pictures of various babies in pumpkin suits by now, by people we know.”
“Oh, you just don’t have any sentimentality in you.”
“Sure I do. But why a pumpkin? Why not one of those Anne Geddes flower outfits? Or Godzilla? Or even a Living Dead baby, or something? Just give him something red to chew on, and he’d even do his own makeup.”
“Jeez! You are SO gross! This is her first baby, you know. Do you blame her for being a little willing to, you know, be traditional?”
"I wouldn’t know. The first time I ever laid eyes on my first child, she put her book down, looked at me like I was a parking ticket and said, ‘Who the hell are you?’ "
“Oh, she did NOT.”
“Well, she was thinking it.”
“Mm-hm. And she changed her mind, soon enough.”
“Well, yeah. Particularly after I took her trick or treating.”
“Well, yeah. There was that.”
“Look, it’s almost finished downloading. He’s really a cute baby.”
“Aww…”
“Aww…”