Castle & Beckett investigate a supposed UFO incident. Their case is suddenly taken over by trenchcoat wearing, flashlight wielding Feds. Castle and Mulder slap each other with handbags, while Beckett and Scully indulge in hot lesbian sex.
I’ll be in my bunk.
I’d love to see Q vs Who. While there would probably be a sword fight, it’d be words than win the day for the Doctor.
Nah. Pair it up with The Fugitive and he and Richard Kimball would always show up in town right after the other left.
Brock Samson versus Sterling Archer.
Medium crossovered with Psych: Not an actual fight, but Allison immediately knows that Shawn is a total fraud, while he presumes that she is too until he sees evidence to the contrary.
Mal Reynolds and the bunch are tipped off that a war criminal is hoarding supplies and set out to rob from him. Unfortunately said fellow is a) innocent/framed and b)has hired a fellow with a catchy motto.
I’ve been watching the series-damn it’s good. If anyone has a better scenario starring him, I’d be happy to hear it. Mine takes a little work to fit, I know.
Not exactly fisticuffs, but:
My Three Sons, Uncle Charlie vs. I Love Lucy’s, Fred Mertz
(At the downtown Bryant Park grocery store, Steve Douglas strolls absentmindedly behind Uncle Charlie, smoking a pipe)
Steve Douglas: Say, Charlie, what aisle is the pipe tobacco on?
Uncle Charlie: Steve, you idiot, this is a grocery store, not a tobacco shop.
Steve Douglas (takes long puff from his pipe): That’s an astute observation, Charley, I’ll keep that in mind.
Uncle Charlie: Follow me, numb-scull, we gotta go down aisle 6 for the dog food. Your bastard son Ernie keeps forgetting to lock the damn doggie-door at night and Tramp knocked up the neighbor’s poodle again. Now we got a bunch of puppies to feed.
(Rounding aisle 6, Charley halts his cart abruptly)
Uncle Charlie: Hey, Lady, move your fat ass, don’t ya see your blocking traffic!
Fred Mertz (turns around, snarls lips, taps Uncle Charlie hard on the shoulder): Who, you callin’ Lady, bub, that’s my old battle ax you’re talkin’ to!
(the situation escalates aggressively. Sounds: glass breaking; metalic schwick)
Steve Douglas: (takes long puff on pipe, exhales a cloud of smoke) Now Charlie, let’s just calm down a bit and put down that jagged bottle. Look here, you’ve spilled ketchup all over the floor when you broke it. I’ll find you a mop. (Steve wanders absentmindedly off camera).
Ethel Mertz: Fred, put down that switchblade this instant, you old fart!
Fred Mertz: Aw, shut up, Ethel! (backhands Ethel, dropping her to the floor with bloodied mouth)
(Rumble ensues, a la West Side Story)
Ricky Ricardo (upon seeing gore splatter to the floor): ¡Ay, caramba! I shoulda ditched the redhead long ago and stayed in Cuba!
Lucy Ricardo: WAAAAA!
(Of course, this could have played equally well using My Three Son’s Bub O’Casey, but that would be a little weird).
Benjamin Franklin from The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams vs. Eddie from Frasier
(Martin is in the kitchen making a sandwich, feeding scraps of bologna to Eddie. Scratching sounds are heard coming from the front door)
Martin: Eddie, go see who that is scratching at the door. Go on, boy!
(Eddie scampers to the front door, leaps up, mouths open the doorknob and nuzzles the door open. His back hair instantly stands on end when he see’s the guest in the hallway. Ben lumbers in)
Eddie: Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark!
Ben: Chomp/Eddie: Yelp
(Ben exits)
Martin (entering the living room): Who was at the door, Eddie? Eddie?
The crew of the Northwestern from Deadliest Catch vs.Flipper
Captain Sig Hansen: (on loudspeaker to deck): Whats the count on that last crab pot, Edgar?
Edgar Hansen: 17opilio…and what looks like the backbone of a pretty big fish. The crabs sure did a number on him! And, if I didn’t know better, I swear there’s something that looks like a human foot in there, too!
Porter Ricks (looks around the cabin, then leans toward Sig): You see my boy, Bud, lately, Sig?
Perry Mason vs Jack McCoy?
Andy Sipowicz vs. Tony Soprano
That’s one where they come back from a commercial or another scene and Brock is covered with blood smoking a cigarette with a bloody smear on the floor leading out the door or window. Ten minutes later there’s some passing comment that doesn’t exactly say that Brock killed him, but you totally know he did.
A part of me would like to think that Hawkeye Pierce would go at loggerheads with House, but any scenario I imagine always ends up with them playing poker together and smoking cigars and trying to out-snide each other.
Am I the only one who thinks that the Doctor and Q would get along great? I imagine an episode where Q shows up, and is being his usual Charming Asshole Self to everyone in sight, while elsewhere, the Doctor is racing to intercept what everyone is describing as a incredibly dangerous enemy. They finally meet haflway through the episode, stare at each other grimly for a moment, then warmly embrace and walk off happily chatting about old times.
**Doctor **(tenth, natch): Q, you auld sod! It’s been ages!
Q: My dear Doctor! You haven’t changed a bit!
Doctor: … I have regenerated five times since we last saw each other.
Q: Oh, piffle. Trivialities. How have you been?
Picard: You know each other?
Q: This, mon capitan is a Time Lord. They embody everything you humans lack: grace. Dignity. Not being descended from monkeys.
Doctor: There’s the old Q charm! [wrapping an arm around Picard’s shoulders] Don’t let him get to you, capitan. The Q have a rough exterior, but inside they’re big old softies. Wouldn’t hurt a fly! Well, except for that time they wiped out the fly-people of Musca IV.
Q: There were extenuating circumstances: they were disgusting.
Doctor: I suppose it’s all water under the bridge now. [to Picard] So, what seems to be the problem? You can tell me. I’m the Doctor.
I think Dr. House and Dr. Cox (from Scrubs) going toe-to-toe would be awesome.
Except that Debra was only an überbitch when she had PMS. My money’s on Marie.
Ok, then, Marie Barone (Raymond’s mother) vs. Roseanne.
It doesn’t matter when it’s Arcturian, baby!
X-Files and Married… With Children.
Mulder, Steve, and Al would be friends.
It would be Scully, Peg, Marcie, and Kelly fighting it up.
Bud would be mistaken as the MOtW
Big Bang’s Leslie Winkler and NCIS’s Abby Sciuto would be quite a catfight.
Sherlock Holmes (Jeremy Brett) against Mr Spock…over a chessboard.
…what?
It’d be one epic game!
Why not make it a battle royale with Sherlock Holmes (RDJr)? In fact, I think you may need his “action Holmes” to provide the catalyst to move it from “sullen glaring” to “Holmes-fight”.
How about Al Swearengen vs. Walter White? I fear the technological and scientific gap would spell the end of Swearengen; while Al’s by far the more natural and experienced crime boss, it’s hard to argue with mercury fulminate. Al could get some of the edge back if he met WW earlier in the series.
Don’t discount Archer’s… I’m sure there’s a TV tropes term for it, but I don’t know what to call it other than “idiot luck”. Related to Plot Armor, but not quite the same–rather, things just happen to go his way, despite his best efforts to the contrary. Jar Jar Binks had it as well. So did that annoying little twerp from the same movie, actually. Perhaps it’s the Force. 
