I achieved Enlightenment, and it was all because of Taco Bell
Monday night in the mall, stop for dinner in the food court. I gets a nacho cheese chalupa and a soft taco from Taco Bell. (In the interest of full disclosure, my wife has a few bites, and I have some of her Pretzel dog from Auntie Anne’s). Everything is good in life.
Forward to Tuesday late afternoon. I have a 4 o’clock meeting. I also have class that night and need to get downtown (Chicago) by 6. I need to turn in my mid-term exam, so there’s no room for tardiness. I bust out of my meeting at 4:45, jump in the car and get right to the onramp for the tollway.
The following is my timeline to Enlightenment.
4:47 – On ramp to toll way. I feel a little something inside. OK, I think, I’ll hit the bathroom before class, or during break.
4:49 – Tollbooth. I fish out my change thinking, OK, definitely turn in the exam and hit the john before class.
4:52 - Spur from toll to expressway. Hmmm, there’s a mall coming up in about 10 minutes. I should duck off, into the Bloomingdales, take care of business, get back on the road and still make it in time to turn in the exam.
4:53 – Stuck in slow traffic. Revised Plan: leave expressway one exit earlier, go to Corner Bakery in Wilmette. Use facilities, back on the road.
4:53:30 – Realization I am a dead man. Wilmette might as well be one of those moons in the rings of Saturn, cuz I ain’t never going to make it that far. Impending explosive decompression threatens to seriously messy up my car interior.
My only hope is the Starbucks between the next two exits.
4:55 - I swing off onto the frontage road. %#$@& construction, but route still passable.
4:57 - The frontage road enters the little shopping are of the town. Hope glimmers faintly in the distance.
4:57:10 – Become trapped behind oldest human being ever seen driving a car (and for Chicago’s North Shore, that is saying something). Guideline seems to be, drive 1 mph slower than speed limit for every Presidential administration lived through.
4:58 – With Starbuck’s in sight, realize I have become victim of some bizarre South American virus. Am sweating, have chills, and am compelled to literally stand in the car dancing and clenching. Worst experience in my life.
4:58:27 – Starbuck’s parking lot. It is the most ridiculously small parking lot I have ever seen. It’s 4:58:27 pm on a Tuesday, and the lot is full. Who drinks coffee at 4:58:27 pm on a Tuesday?!
4:58:34 – Since I will not park in the handicapped spot, I do a fancy reverse back-up maneuver into a here-to-fore undiscovered-by-anyone-ever spot at the nexus of the lot, sidewalk, and back alley.
4:59 - With Olympic speed and grace, I stiff-leg it into the Starbucks, knowing if someone is currently occupying the bathroom, these 5 o’clock java Joes are going to have a very interesting story to tell their loved ones tonight. :o
4:59:10 - Bathroom open, I enter, disaster averted.
5:06 - I stride back to my car, not caring that it is obvious I only came in to use the facilities.
5:07 - As I am waiting for the light to change, to get on the expressway, something funny happens. All tension has left my body. I am aware of the need to hurry to class, but time has slowed. I feel as if I am in my body yet curiously detached, floating outside of it also.
5:07:32 – I have achieved Enlightenment. I have reached Nirvana. Satori has opened my eyes. My Atman has met the Brahman.
The smile of the Lord is upon me, the Wisdom of the Ages is in me, and the Taco Bell has left me.
The feeling eventually faded, but it has left me changed. It was a difficult Path, one I wouldn’t recommend, one I might not ever have the courage to go down again.
But still, I must say, from the deepest inner reaches of my being…
Thank You, Taco Bell.