Uncle Remus ain’t nothin’ compared to Uncle Armpits and his quaint tales of the ill-fated critters “back home”, when he was a kid.
While I was enjoying my Thanksgiving feast, I was entertained with the misadventures of Uncle Armpits as a wee lad, along with his partner in crime, my father-in-law.
I heard the tales of *“Don’t tell Mama I killed the dog”, “Cat’s only land on their feet twice”, * and “Saved By the Bell” The victim in this story was actually another child…
They were playing Cowboys at school. Uncle Pits and his buddies were the good guys. They caught one of the bad guy cattle rustlers, and decided to put a rope around his neck. The school bell rang just as they were getting ready to pull the rope over a tree branch. :eek:
It was knee-slapping hilarity! I know this because after each tale, Uncle Armpits would slap his knee and go HAR, HAR, HAR!!!
It’s amazing how wide a toothless mouth can open.
WARNING:
These are not funny stories. They involve cruelty to animals, which is why I didn’t share them in the OP.
Cat’s Only Land on Their Feet Twice
Their house was built on a hill. The front porch was 7’ of the ground but the hill sloped down from the porch, so add another 20’ or so. On top of that, add 10 bored children. Kitty didn’t have a chance.
They dangled kitty over the porch, with his back pointed down, then let go. He landed on his feet the first two times. On the third, he landed on his back and crawled into the bushes. Several months later, he shows back up. All the kids are so happy to see him, they pet him and hug him. Then he walks off down the road, and never returns. Mama Got Bit By a Dog
One day the kids are walking home from school, and their Mama is rolling around in the road. She’s crying and acting crazy. The younger kids get upset. A neighbor lady comes out to help, and tells the kids that their Mama got bit by a mad dog. Some of the boys go looking for the dog. Uncle Pits and FIL are grown
and at work. They’re called home. When they get there they figure out that their mom is just drunk. But thanks to neighbor lady, the little kids are traumatized and a couple of dogs got killed.
There was another story about accidently killing a dog, that he refused to tell. I can’t imagine how bad it was.
Uncle Pits is the only one of my FIL’s relatives that my MIL allows to visit. Because he’s not as bad as the rest of them. Upon my first meeting of THAT side of the family, I almost broke my engagement to my husband right in the middle of his Grandmother’s wake.
Nothing you have ever seen on Jerry Springer can hold a candle to these people.
Uncle Pits was a mean kid, and he still gets amusement over the antics of his youth. But I can put up with the shudder inducing stories and stink once a year, if it means I can pretend my sweet, loving father-in-law sprouted from a ray of golden sunshine, the rest of the year.
I’ll Show That Bear (no bears were harmed in the production of this tale)
The kids were playing a game called “Bear”. One of the kids would be chosen to play the bear, while the other 9 would hunt for him/her.
On this day Uncle Pitts was the bear. He was looking for a place to hide from his siblings. (I was looking for a place to hide from them 40 years later, but that’s another story.)
He spotted the rain barrel, which happened to be empty. He climbed in and hid. He waited until he heard the kids run past the barrel, then slowly peeked over the top of the barrel.
“I’ll show that bear!” said a tiny voice. He turned around just in time to see his littlest sister swing a hammer, and bonk him on the head.
She showed that bear, but she didn’t bother telling anybody that he lay crumpled at the bottom of the rain barrel.
He didn’t wake up until they were calling him in for supper.
Now that it’s been a few days, was that medical board of actual intreast or use? I don’t want to continue recomending it, if I’m the only one that really finds it a usefull site. Now the threads at the top too.
