Okay, so last night I went to a local bar after work and met up with some friends. At some point in the conversations, three of us were discussing the beers they had, and one mentioned “Arrogant Bastard Ale.” J.D. (we’ll call him) made the comment "Yeah, it’s like the Devil on the bottles just calling out to me saying “DRINK ME!” to which G-Funk (we’ll call him) says:
“Actually, if you look at the skin tecture, it’s more a gargoyle than a devil. I know because I believe in a past life, I was a gargoyle.”
Okay, now, I’ve always had some reservations about G-Funk. He kinda creeps me out, you know? He and my friend A-Cat dated for a good while, then broke up, and as she put it, he was always “One step away from psycho stalker guy.” But in the past few months, he’s calmed down a bit, sobered up some, got a full time job and started bathing regularly, so he’s not so creepy. But upon hearing this, all that newfound faith that he’s getting on the right track went out the window. He continued:
"Actually, I was first a dragon. Dragons were originally protectors of mankind, until humans got frightened of them and started hunting them down because they were terrified of their great size and power. Then there came out a whole bunch of stone figures that people thought were carved by people…but I don’t believe it. The dragons made themselves smaller and stone so they could continue to protect people, and that’s where gargoyles come from. The proof I have that I was a dragon, is that I was born in 197X, which according to the Chinese calander is the year of the dragon. That, and the real proof, is I have what I call “Dragon Speech.”
“Dragon Speech? What’s that?” says J.D.
“Dragon Speech? Have you been snorting coke again?” I think.
So, G-Funk clears his throat, and procedes to blurt out silly “ancient” speech reminicent of the best Saturday morning cartoon dealing with Druids or Wizards in this, admittadely impressive, deep voice.
I then left the conversation.
What gets me is…he honestly believes this stuff. A good number of my friends believe in reincarnation, so to think that you are the reincarnation of something isn’t that bad. But come on! Just because in the Chinese calander I was born in the year of the ram and I can do a pretty good goat impersonation doesn’t mean I was one of the Billy Goats Gruff in a past life. It was just one of those conversations that, just when you think someone is actually getting better and not quite as dumb as you think, they really just prove you were right all along.
I swear, if it weren’t for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college.