Ifindthesesituationstroublesomebutluckilytherewasanepisodeoffullhousethatdealtwiththisexactsameproblembecausedavecoulierboughtabunchofunneededstuffwhenheowedbobsagetafewthousanddollars.Idon’trememberhowthesituationwasrectifiedbutI’mgladthatthemiddlechildgrewuptobereallyhotlooking.
Nope, that is a tidy summary. If only I could pay you to follow me around and editorialize my life! I’m fairly verbose, even in my own headspace 
You forgot to bold my name. So go and pick on someone else for not following the board conventions.
And I’m not really an asshat, I just play a lot of online games and noob just means that said newcomer doesn’t understand the rules.
So 
Back to the OP. I have a very dear friend who always borrows money from me. He always pays it back, but sometimes he tells me that he didn’t make his payment because he* had* to give money to someone else.
That really ticks me off. Why is my need for the money less important than his friend?
I think its mostly because of perceptions. While I was poor, I drove a beat up car, wore beat up clothes because I didn’t want to buy new ones, but I did my best to always feed my cats quality food.
So…spending money on cats is an indulgence. Your vacation is an indulgence. Taking care of their family and friends is more important than our wants and desires. In their minds.
I really do hope that you can manage to figure out how to go to India on your vacation.
Please ignore the complaints, you will get the board. People were much gentler to me when I joined and didn’t know how to use the shift key.
Again, welcome. I don’t use my phone to post here because of all the mistakes I make.
I think she would genuinely feel bad. Normal family drama aside, I genuinely like her and consider her a friend and confidante as well as my sister. Really, what I am fumbling on emotionally is that she dropped what I viewed as an unnecessary expenditure when her debt to me is unfulfilled … As a casual aside. What I am struggling with is wondering, would a reasonable person consider this an unnecessary expense?
Is it perhaps reasonable for her to just assume I would be OK with it since he is my nephew (whom I adore, and at the same time am exasperated at his youthful ineptitude and sense if entitlement… Much as the adults in my life were when I was his age)
I vote with with MeanOldLady. When one family member called for a loan I considered the loan as a gift.
He was involved in a divorce and it was obvious he would not be able to pay it back. But he really needed it for basic stuff.
If it’s any help the Consumer’s Report Money Letter asked readers several months ago what were dumb things they did with money and a lot of them mentioned lending famliy members more than $500.
For whatever reason below that amount most can pay back, and above that amount, well, depending on the situation you might want to take the mindset that it’s a gift.
I was genuinely surprised to realize that I could read this with no problems at all. I also had no problem reading the OP. Must be 3 years of online class discussion boards (which have made it so that I barely even notice spelling, grammatical, or punctuation errors any more).
I don’t really have anything to add since we all seem to be in agreement that you shouldn’t loan money to anyone unless you can stand to never get it back. I hope she does pay it back but I wouldn’t recommend holding your breath.
If I could put down what I suspect the sister is thinking, it would be this:
“She can afford to swan about to Malaysia and India, and here she is carping about me needing money to fix my home so we can still live in it! What’s more important to our family!?! And my kid needs a car so he can get work so he can stop being a parasite on us! If that happens then maybe I can pay some money back, but no she wants it now!”
I’m not saying I agree with this PoV, just giving the other side. My principle is, never do business of any sort with family or friends. Almost invariably it ends up badly, there’s always an expectation that as a friend or relative you will do more favours, be happy to be last on the payment list, and give better services for less money.
Don’t lend money to family or friends. Either give it to them no strings attached, or keep it. Maybe you’ll get it back some day, maybe you won’t.
I agree that this is probably what she’s thinking.
I agree with this too.
My advice at this point would be to turn the money taps off for family. You don’t need to explain your financial situation to your family, but maybe you could explain it to them so they understand better that you aren’t a bank or a large corporation that can take the financial hits without suffering. It kind of sounds like they’ve gotten used to running to the Bank of Tracijo whenever they need something.
You did a lot right, in my opinion. You admit you don’t want to end any relationships over this, and the probably you’d have understood, if asked to. That says a lot about you, kindness and understanding wise. So kudos for that!
Where you went wrong, in my opinion, is in believing you could circumvent the ‘loan it, but consider it a gift!’ adage, simply by addressing it up front. I can understand how you thought that could change things. Unfortunately it doesn’t really.
Now the resentment about the kids car purchase, while I understand where you’re coming from, and why you might take issue, is a trap a lot of people fall into. Giving someone a loan, or public assistance, does not entitle you to stand in judgement of their every monetary decision. Sorry, but it doesn’t, so just let that go, okay? Yes it’s tempting, and if she was doing crack you’d have a point. Otherwise, not so much, in my opinion.
The resentment, over the aid you’ve offered your Mom, has nothing to do with your siblings, that’s another red herring. Yes, we understand the imbalance, the reason you feel so, etc. but no one put a gun to your head. You did not choose to do so because of who your siblings are not, that’s a poor way to frame this, though lots of people fall into such thoughts. You took up the care you provide your Mom because of who you are, good for you. Do not sully that kindness by thinking your actions obligate your siblings in anyway. That’s wrong thinking and will only lead to more resentments and family friction.
My advice would be to pen an email to sis, leaving out any mentioning of; kids car, Mom’s care, your holiday or your kids college fund, as those will all introduce unnecessary issues. Tell her you were happy to be able to help them out. Point out you were very upfront, when you did so, about needing the funds back and by when. Then tell her you understand, even if you don’t, about things being difficult right at the moment, but would really like to avoid this negatively impacting relationships in the family, yada, yada.
You can be honest, if you’re nuanced, about feeling a little miffed that they bought kid a car while not making regular payments to you. But, you do understand his need, etc. Tell her you’ve been thinking maybe a regular minimum each month would go a long way to you feeling better about having loaned out your kids college money.
I admit, she may not take it well, this may cause friction in your family. If your family is feeling entitled, to your prosperity being a little shared with them, then this isn’t going to go away. If you’ve become the go to person ,to hit up for cash, in the family, things are, sooner or later, going to come to a head wherein someone gets the message that the ATM is closed. And there will be resentment. And it will impact the family relationships. But you know it’s going to come up now or later. Just deal with it. Send an email, be honest, suggest a $50 to $100, monthly repayment plan to assuage your concerns, and then wait to see.
In the bigger picture, if you so need to avoid conflict and bad feelings in the family, then consider this as a gift to them, from this moment on, in your mind. Let go of the idea you’ll see any of that money again, and save everyone grief and drama. You still won’t have the money, but you’ll feel much better. Now, for the upside. If things do not improve from the repayment side, consider the money loaned as purchase price for, “I need never loan these people another dime! EVER AGAIN!” Also, you get to use it as an excuse to any other sibling. As in, ‘I’ve been forced to change my policy on loans to family since…’ Cheap at twice the price, whatever the amount, if you ask me!
Now, if you are in this position because you have been a pushover anyone in the clan hit up in a difficult time, no worries, then you need to decide whether or not you can change your behaviour, and close the bank. As opposed to developing resentment towards the others whom you have taught how to regard you over time. Should this family approach you, for yet more money, before having repaid this amount, then you’re in this category. And only you can change the dynamic by your own actions. And, now or later, it could be met with resentment and drama.
I wish you nothing but good luck, none of this is easy!
Christ, some of you are utterly hilarious.
No, it is not reasonable for her to assume that, and no, you aren’t over-reacting (imo). But I wouldn’t bet my son’s college education on her paying back any significant amount in the next twelve years.
You are gracious enough to say that you would have been OK with delaying repayment if she had asked. That is much to your credit. So, if you can, take the same attitude towards the rest of the times when she does not make her payments.
Do you have anything in writing about this debt? If not, I suspect you are just going to be out the money. Whether or not you also lose a friend and confidant depends, I suspect, on whether she asks for a significant amount of money in the future, and whether you still consider it a loan instead of a gift.
Regards,
Shodan
You have just experienced a common problem to those who lend money- that the borrower shares with you how or why they can’t pay you back, and you feel they are not spending wisely. You feel like you should be a priority, while they feel other things take priority over your loan.
With family, it’s probably best to let it go. Like others have suggested, you should 1) not lend money that you will need because it’s likely you won’t get it back in a timely fashion if at all, and 2) plan to loan it out in large chunks, but get it back in dribs and drabs, if at all. But you don’t want to attend family functions being angry with them, so don’t let it get to you. Also, it’s best to not talk to them much during the loan period as you will indeed feel judgmental about how they prioritized their bills/expenses.
You need to impress upon them that you have an important needs, too. One thing I have found useful for single payments is to tell them “I will need x dollars by x date.” I try to find some kind of excuse that they can relate to such as “I have to pay (one time kid expense such as driving school, school trip, or educational testing is useful here) by such-and-such date.”
It’s really best if you can set up a payment program and pick a recurring date, such as “I will need X dollars by the 15th of each month.” Hopefully, this will get you included in their monthly bill paying program. But, truthfully, I have found this to not be very effective.
And in the future, don’t share how you manage/spend your money with family, particularly family that manages money poorly. You sis is is likely thinking “I needed this for a ‘real’ expense (rent, electric, car payment, whatever). She needs it for luxuries (vacation, kid’s college), or fun stuff, so she can wait”.
Unfortunately, I now have a habit of doing this semi-regularly with a family member. For those feeling like they want to criticize me for this ‘habit’, I just want to point out that it’s better for me to give the ‘loans’ than have this family member sleeping on my couch or in a shelter somewhere. I don’t actually care so much about the shelter, but I don’t want to be called for the emergency middle-of-the-night furniture pick up or store her house full of stuff in my house.
We both keep a log of the money going in and out and we email the log back and forth whenever a loan or payment is made so we both know where the loan stands.
It’s very frustrating to me. I can think of only a time or two I have ever asked to borrow money and made it a top priority to pay it back as fast as possible. I’m being generous here because the last time I can recall that I asked to borrow was in the 80’s. I absolutely hate borrowing and being in debt. Others don’t feel this way.
I make an average salary and am the only income earner for our family. We chose to have a SAH parent knowing that we would have to adjust financially. To manage living on one income, we are very frugal and keep a tight bill paying and savings program in place. We don’t take fancy vacations or buy new cars, etc.
In other words we are ants, and my chronically borrowing family member is a grasshopper who at 60, is just now considering how to finance her retirement and has trouble keeping steady employment. The money that I loan her comes from my overflow or ‘fun’ account, and not from any of the important (to me) accounts such as bills, kid’s college, or other savings. So, I get frustrated because she takes my ‘fun money.’ I can usually tell when “my borrower” is going to be in need (sometimes before she does_ LOL) and pick up a few extra shifts to cover the loans rather than tap my savings.
Welcome to the boards. I think you’ll be a welcome addition to our little family.
I don’t think $2,000 for a car is an extravagance. Sure, it’s not strictly necessary, but it’s not like they used the money to bump him from a Toyota to a Beemer. It’s just a beater. Actually, it *might *be necessary; dunno what public transport is like in her town.
I’ll join the chorus of people who say that money you loan to family or friends is best treated as a gift.
Look at the bright side, she didn’t promise to pay you back when she got her tax return! 
I do not lend money to friends or family that I expect to get back. If I do, great! but I don’t hold my breath, Shit happens!
Honestly, why not read the OP?
This reminds me of a story my mom told me. Her mom sold eggs on credit during the Depression. One lady kept “forgetting” to pay her. Now, my mom and aunt were the only girls in that rural area who were the right age to babysit. One day, the “forgetful” lady called and wanted them to babysit. Their mom said they weren’t available. Well, what about the next night? Or the next week? Or the next month? They’d be busy then, too.
(Long pause) “You know, while I have you on the phone, it occurs to me that I owe you for all those eggs. Why don’t I drop off that money today?”
Suddenly, (once the money was in hand) my mom and aunt could babysit.
(Oh, and forgetful lady never forgot to pay them.)
Yeah, they always say that. I will take even odds that less than half (I’m being unreasonably generous today) actually follow through.
The idea is that if you give it with full intent of it being a gift, you’ll give a reasonable gift-level amount, you’ll be pleasantly surprised if you get it back, and if you don’t, you won’t be pissed.
My husband loaned money to one of his sisters when she came crying to him about her impending eviction and said he was the only person she could admit this to. She wanted him to co-sign on a bigger loan with her, but he wisely refused. He lent her $1500 and she promised repayment on a plan. I think we got a third back? (It’s been several years since.) Oh, and he discovered since then that actually, at the same time she also told their parents and their two wealthier siblings that each of them was the only person she could admit this to and could she please “borrow” money (and not pay most of it back).
You might have to, though. Hopefully she will pay you back, since you say she’s been quasi-reliable about payment, but if you never see that money again, feel free to pissed about it for a brief while (because it is super shitty, after all) then move right along. Sucks, but them’s the breaks.
Sorry, I missed seeing what this was referring to, so we’re actually agreeing.
To the OP: She almost surely sees your money allocation as frivolous. Telling her the money was from your 6-year-old son’s college fund would probably mean as much to her as if you said you were saving for a trip to the moon - far off and the money would be a drop in the bucket. Similarly, I doubt that your vacation cutback would mean much either, though I know it matters to you.
As others have said, keep this in mind for the future. I don’t think talking to her now would do much, especially since you think you’d have been sympathetic if she told you up front what had happened.