The "ask the guy who thinks he might be lactose intolerant" thread

I would imagine that hundreds of people every day visit the SDMB wondering what it might be like for someone to think he’s lactose intolerant. Well, conveniently, I myself think that I might be lactose intolerant and I’m willing to answer any questions y’uns might have for me. Please note that I am not looking for your help with my situation; I’m here to help you. :slight_smile:

So, like, can you still eat cheese, or do you need to eat soy cheese, like that silk (a soy milk brand). Do they call it silk cheese, or maybe just sleeze?

Let’s examine this a little further. You say you think you might be lactose intolerant? What gives rise to these thoughts? Do you feel you may be this way more in the morning when you wake up? In the afternoon? Evening?

Did you have any traumatic bovine experiences when you were young that might explain this “feeling” that you have?

my fee is 5 cents per minute.

I find the irony of your juxtaposed name and tread title fairly entertaining.

um, whatmove?

Got Milk??

sic

Do you consider yourself a carbohydratist?

Do you belong to any sugar supremacy groups?

Do you believe in one “master” sugar or are you only intolerant of lactose?

Thanks for your question, Eonwe. I still eat cheese because I’m not sure whether I’m LI or not and it tastes so good, but sometimes I feel funny after eating it. I haven’t tried much soy cheese, so I’m not even sure that I could eat it. In fact, I could be more intolerant of sleeze than cheese. The bottom line is: I’m not really sure.

As to your trauma theory, I don’t recall any bad cow experiences from my past. I’ll see if my parents remember anything relevant.

I figure that took about a minute of your time.

you owe me a nickel!!!

Beeblebrox, I believe that all sugars are created equally. I do, however, find it hard to view lactose in the same light as other sugars after the way it makes me feel deep down inside. This should not be construed to be judgement of lactose on my part, just a comment on my relationship with it. I hope no sugar compounds were offended by my OP. My intent was not to feed dairy to the trolls.

Jeepers, LI Guy! As a co-incidence, I’m lactose intolerant too! I’d like to compare symptoms:

When you drink milk, do you produce noxious gasses within about 2 hours. Noxious enough to blister steel?

You’ve heard people discuss how cheese can be “binding” on them. You think they’re insane as it produces exactly the opposite effect. Does this sound familiar?

Too much dairy products can produce the aforementioned gas and explosive <ahem> explusions.

Sound familiar?

Fenris

I don’t think they’re insane, myself. Misguided perhaps, but not insane.

I too have found the One True Path of Lactose Intolerance. Simply looking at a glass of milk makes me bloat. And don’t get me started on the paint-peeling, eye-watering, throat-closing, Good-God-what-died-in-here gas.

Welcome to the fold, whatmove. :smiley:

Oh, and those pills to help with lactose intolerance mitigate, but mitigate != fix. Says the guy who took 3 of 'em and had a frosty strawberry malted and a big, gooey cheese pizza. And then had to repaint the bathroom because the (ahem) fumes burned off all the paint.

Fenris

But I’m not even sure that I am lactose intolerant. I’m just a guy who thinks he might be (until I stop putting off that doctor check-up). I can’t really answer anyone’s questions about being LI, but I can speak with authority about any information relating to being someone who thinks that they are lactose intolerant. I do have really bad gas sometimes, but I thought that just ran in my family.

An easy test, perfected by me, to determine if you’re lactose intolerant! :
< mostly joking, probably a really bad idea…you don’t really want to do this! :eek: >

Eat a normal, breakfast, dairy-free.

Eat light lunch (or better, skip lunch), dairy free.

Drink about 16 oz (2 cups) of milk about an hour before dinner. For dinner, get a cheese pizza with extra cheese, wash it down with a frosty chocolate shake (or whatever flavor). For dessert, have a nice slab of cheesecake, topped with ice-cream. Wait 1-3 hours. Answer the following questions:[ul]
[li]Am I bloated?[/li][li]Am I burping?[/li][li]Am I having stomach cramps?[/li][li]Am I producing gas that’s in violation of the Geneva convention?[/li][li]Do I now know what the words “explosive diharrea” mean?[/li][li]Am I sorry I took this stupid test?[/li][/ul]
If you answered “Yes” to any of the above, then you might well be lactose intolerant.

Fenris

Fenris, that’s horrible! You just can’t do that to the poor boy. He’s only just begun his quest! He needs love and guidance, not sharp stick in the colon!

[sub]Good gracious, some people do just go overboard around here, don’t they?[/sub]

      • Whatmove: Have you tried [b[Cat-Sip**? - MC

I’m a probably-lactose-intolerant too! And I thought I was crazy over having doubts over the origin of the vile hydrocarbons exuded from my gastrointestinal Autobahn! I stopped consuming straight milk altogether to conform to the Montreal Protocol, but I still on occassion eat cheese or yogurt. Just sparingly, though - I don’t want birds dropping out of the skies when I pass by.

And whatever you do - for God’s sake, don’t follow Fenris’ advice! He’s just teasing you to make you destroy the better half of the world, so that he can build an empire from the ashes and conquer the remainder.

Redukter: I myself have never had a problem with yogurt. Something about the live cultures, I think. I can scarf all the yogurt I want & have no ill efects. I’ll see if I can find a cite for why yogurt doesn’t generally cause problems in lactose-intolerant people.

Here is an article by the American Gastroenterological Association, that’s chock full of good information.

Here’s what they say about yogurt:

Hope it helps!

I really do appreciate everyone’s advice, but this thread isn’t here to seek it. I merely posted it so that people could find out what it’s like to be someone who thinks that they might be lactose intolerant, if they happened to be people who were curious about that sort of thing. I feel a lot of pressure from most of these posts to find out whether or not I am lactose intolerant, but I feel fine not knowing. I guess the message I’m trying to send out is that I have found peace and happiness in a lifestyle thinking that I might be lactose intolerant but not really being sure either way, and to find out for sure would the defeat the purpose behind my message.

With that said, ask away.