To The Occupier
<Address Removed to protect the innocent>
Occupier Letter
Dear Sir/Madam,
We are writing seeking your assistance.
Recently, we have been trying to contact To the Occupier at the above address, yet have had no response.
We realise that To the Occupier may no longer be at this address, and we would appreciate it if you could contact us on <phone removed to protect the guilty> or fill in the back of this letter with any alternative contact information and return to us so that we may direct our enquiries elsewhere.
Some chick named Amy Newscom gave out my home number as her phone number eight years ago. I STILL get calls from various collection agencies, roughly at the start of every new quarter of the year, hunting for this girl.
If I had ANY way to get the word out that she’s never been at my phone number, to an address and a phone number I can contact, I’d love to send that data.
So you are in fact going to call that number to fill them in on all of the adventures To the Occupant has had since moving out, right? You know, the murder rap, the conversion to Buddhism and relocation to Nepal, the long-lost identical twin who appeared, the inheritance and purchase of new home on South Pacific island, honorary degree from Harvard, the menagerie and the chimpanzee “accident,” the campaign for Congress, and the daily bingo? Right?
