I just got an album by Ian Dury called “The Bus Driver’s Prayer & Other Stories”. The title is taken from an adaptation of The Lord’s Prayer, and the author is unknown. Ian recites it at the end of the album, over a music bed. I’d never heard it before, and I thought it was quite funny and clever, so I’ll share it with you. Off we go to London:
Our father, who art in Hendon
Harrow Road be thy name
Thy Kingston come, thy Wimbledon
In Erith as it is in Hendon
Give us this day our Berkhampstead
And forgive us our Westminsters
As we forgive those who Westminster against us
Lead us not into Temple Station
And deliver us from Ealing
For thine is the Kingston
The Purley and the Crawley
For Iver and Iver
Crouch End.
Know any others like this?
Well, I always thought A.E. Housman’s Epitaph on an Army of Mercenaries applied pretty well to low-level retail workers, but that’s probably not what you had in mind.
“I Can Help You Over Here, Sir.”—Inscription on the base of the U.S. National Clerk Memorial
Martin Gardner laments the prevalence of “Jabberwocky”-inspired parodies, but the one that Mad magazine did, using brand names, is a classic. I can’t recall the whole thing, but it starts:
'Twas Brillo and the GE Stoves
Did Procter-Gamble in the Glade
Here it is:
Twas Brillo and G.E. Stoves
Did Proctor-Gamble in the Glade
All Pillsbury were the Tasty Loaves
And in a Minute Maid
“Beware the Station Break, my son,
The voice that lulls, the ads that vex,
Beware the Doctor’s Claim and shun
That horror called Brand-X!”
He took his Q-Tip swab in hand,
Long time the Tension Headache fought,
So Dristan he by a Mercury,
And Bayer break’d in thought.
And as in Bufferin Gulf he stood,
The Station Break, with Rise of Tame,
Came Whisking through the Pride-hazed wood,
And Cream-Rinsed as it came!
“Buy one, buy two, we’re almost through!”
The Q-Tip Dash went Spic-and-Span,
He Tide Airwick, and with Bisquick,
Went Aero-Waxing Ban.
“And hast thou Dreft the Station Break?
Ajax the Breck, Excedrin boy,
Oh Fab wash day! Cashmere Bouquet!”
He Handi-wrapped with Joy.
Twas Brillo and G.E. Stoves
Did Proctor-Gamble in the Glade
All Pillsbury were the Tasty-Loaves
And in a Minute Maid.
Well, there’s always the beer prayer…
Our lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager
Barmen