The Cabal Exposed!: An Opera in one song. For grienspace

The BBQ Pit
1

Fellow Dopers!

I, your roving reporter Fenris, who brought you the secret origins of the Mods, am about to bring you an exclusive report! It can only be read on station S.D.M.B.!

You’ve heard whispered rumors of “the Cabal” or “the Clique” or “the Inner Circle”? Well, I’ve managed to discover one of their members and am about to infiltrate one of their meetings.

I’m hiding in the back seat of Upham’s car. He’s driving along a deserted road. A near-vertical wall of mountains can be seen on to the left of the road. Suddenly he turns sharply to the left, and heads straight towards the cliff!

He flicks a switch and his headlights flash blue. A door in the cliff face opens. He parks his car and walks towards a heavy oaken door. He knocks three times, slowly and deliberately and a voice from inside says “The third word is ‘Gry’”

Upham replies “Sperm Trees bloom in Los Angeles”

The door creaks open and a guard can be seen escorting Upham into the dark recesses of the cave’s interior.

Moments before the secret door closes, your intrepid reporter (me!) can be seen sneaking out of the trunk of Upham’s car and slips inside.

Inside is a huge chamber, paneled in oak. A roaring fire burns in the fireplace. Everyone’s dressed in Regency outfits, like they wear in The Hellfire Club from The Avengers TV show or the X-Men)

I’m taking notes, hidden behind a massively overstuffed armchair. As the guard leads Upham, having changed clothes, enters the room and is handed a snifter of brandy and a cigar. An ominous chord of music sounds.

I think “They’re singing?!…th’ fuck?”

<to the tune of “This Jesus Must Die” from Jesus Christ Superstar>

Shadowy Cabal Member
Hey, Upham, great! The Cabal waits for you.
Techchick, Oldscratch, the rest are waiting too.

oldscratch
Hi Upham. Folks, you know why we are here.
We’ve got ourselves a nasty problem here

Cabal members chanting
grienspace is a putz, yes
grienspace is a putz.

Cruchyfrog
Look at all the gibberish
he’s posted on the board.
Some nonsense about pit-bulls
and points he thinks he’s scored.

Cabal members chanting
He’s an iiid-iot.
He’s an iiid-iot.

Upham
grienspace is on the board right now
to whip up some support
A rabble-rousing mission
that I think we must abort

Cabal members chanting
He’s an iiid-iot.
He’s an iiid-iot.

Lexicon
He’s an iiid-iot
Hey OldScratch, look!
He’s stepped into the pit!
Quick OldScratch, post!
Let’s flame that silly git.

oldscratch
No, wait. We need a more permanant solution to our problem.

CruncyFrog
What should we do about grienspace, the loser
his posts irritate me and that isn’t cool

Primaflora
He’s called us Pit-Bullies, he knows of the Cabal

oldscratch
One thing we’ll agree about: grienspace’s a fool

Cabal Member
He called us ‘pit-bullies’, he’s admitted to trolling,
the mods just might end this before we can start

oldscratch
Our Secret Cabal has some mods in our power
They’ll slow any action while we rip him apart

Techchick (sarcastically)
I see bad things arising
His wit and his tongue
Are as sharp as a blade
If he riles the masses
This Cabal of Pit Fiends
Will soon be afraid.

oldscratch
Techie, Sarcasm’s uncalled for.
The brain that we’re dealing with
is frightingly dim
So just like Tyler and Phaedrus,
for grienspace the loser,
let the mocking begin.

Entire Cabal
Begin, begin, let the mocking begin
Like Tyler before him, let the mocking begin.

The Cabal marches out of the room to plot strategy.

Note from your intrepid reporter:
I/m about to try to sneak out. If you don’t hear from me again soon I’ve been captured by The Cabal. Pray for me…

Fenris

2

Wow… Thanks for making me laugh my ass off. That was great.

Now of course, for exposing us, you realise that you’ll be next.

Sorry, I like your songs and all, and it’s an honor to be mentioned in one of them, but you know too much.

I’m afraid, like Gary Webb before you, you must be discredited.

3

That was pretty good. One question though: Tyler who?

Maybe I’ve been out of the loop for too long.

4

You are a smart guy, Demo, so I am going to ** cut** you some slack and let you know a little bit about the Tyler guy.
He is a poster who is in the forefront of the SDMB tunnelvissioned poster club. A hard core supporter of his cause. Every one of his posts talked about it. His opponents used their razor sharp wit to slice and dice his arguments. But, he would always return to erect his argument, yet again.

He is no longer a member of the SMDB. His name was trimmed from the member rolls. Although, he was always willing to stick his head in the chopping block. He overextended his length. Even after several warnings. He never got the hint, he just wouldn’t cut it out.

pat

5

Woo-hoo! I get a solo! And a whole verse not just one line! As much as that pleases me, Fenris, I’m afraid I have to agree with oldscratch (of course I always agree with him, so that’s no surprise, right?). You know too much. We must destroy your credibility.

6

Wow! I mean . . . WOW! That’s . . . WOW! I’m utterly impressed!

I was really getting tired of the Pit-folk picking a carcass that’s already been bleached in the sun. I mean, sometimes enough is too much and when folks just jump on the kick-a-guy-when-he’s-down bandwagon, the insults and rants are just mean and empty and boring. But . . . WOW!

That was somethin’!

For some reason, you brought to mind “A Nightmare Before Christmas”, you have a very Danny Elfman way about you!

Huh.

Wow.

7

Thanks for not mentioning the capes and pink party hates we wear man, that would have been embarassing if that ever got out…

Also, i smoke a pipe, not a cigar, but thank’s for giving me a car!

[sub]To all the Cabal: Rings of smoke can be seen through the trees, the time to put a sack over Fenris’ head is now so he wont tell anyone abut anything more, the cat scratch heals in salt water[/sub]

8

Blast! cut of my title will ye?

That’s suposed to say “It sounds good if you sing it to ‘Bad Moon a Rising’ by CCR, too”

9

Dammit Upham! I suppose you’ll be telling them about the jock straps we were on the outside of our pants next!

**

Dammit Upham!! Email man, email! BTW, on a totally unrelated matter:
[sub]The sun sets behind the flatulent cow. Let no tree tweak the queen’s nipples.[/sub]

10

Deduction tells us that Upham drives a stationwagon. :smiley:

Great fun once again, Fenris.

11

Oh Jebus! Sorry, didn’t notice i was writing that on here, thought we were back in the Cave O’ Malevolencez (the Z is for coolness)

But if i was to say, oh, i dunno… [sub]Fi Del De Tas, the Old Child says that Right Words sound Wrong[/sub] wold you still be so angry?

12

I suppose that our morse code messages are right out now.

13

Well, since you put it that way, Upham it’s ok now.

And I guess we do need to start using something besides morse code. Anyone know semafore? I tried to send you guys secret messages written in lemon juice, so when you heat it up the lemon juice changes color and you could read it, but the juice just kept running down the front of the screen and the monitor was getting too heavy to hold over the oven range for very long.

14

As soon as I opened this, I thought of the Simpsons episode where Homer becomes a “Stonecutter”.

If you have seen that episode, you should sing this song to yourself they way they sang the Stonecutter Anthem.

Hilarious! I nearly gave myself a hernia!

15

Pat,
Oh that one. Thanks for the subtle hints. I gotcha.
:wink:

I never did pay too much attention to him…

16

Nice one, Fenris, but does your employer know what you’re really doing when he thinks you’re working? We wouldn’t want to take you away from your job…

17

Great job, Fenris! I think that may be the best SDMB song yet. Someone needs to work on an SDMB Greatest Hits.