The Cannon? Don't worry, you can't miss it.

Spring is just around the corner. I’ve been cooped up indoors on the Versaclimber all Winter, but soon I’ll be able to jog!

I want to run in the Marine Corps Marathon in DC this October, and get a cool Tshirt to make my Dad, a Recon veteran jealous (he’ll really want it and I won’t give it to him. I’ll just keep pretending not to get the hint. Heh heh heh.)

In order to accomplish this worthy goal I will need to train several hundred hours on the roads (The truly worthwhile things, like pissing off your Dad never come easy.)

In and of itself, this doesn’t bother me, but if I figure my average run in early spring and summer is gonna take an hour to an hour and a half, and that I’m going to do this five times a week or so, this will put me on the roads for about 8 hours a week. That’s 8 hours a week that idiot motorists will have the opportunity to either run my ass over or ask me for directions.

Running my ass over isn’t such a big deal, I’ll just jump into a ditch, but the directions really tick me off. It’s not easy stopping in the middle of a long run, and then trying to get your rythmn back. It’s not like I’m out there as an information resource for chrissakes.

The fact that I never give good directions doesn’t stop them from asking.

“Excuse me, do you know how to get to the College?”

::pant pant::

“Take the second left, and then take a right at the Cannon.”

“The Cannon?”

“Yeah, you can’t miss it.”

Later, or the next day, inevitably I’ll get stopped again.

“Excuse me, do you know how to get to Abe’s Antique store?”

::pant pant::

“Take the second left, then take a right at the Cannon.”

The Interstate?

“Take the second left, then take a right at the Cannon.”

Soccer field?

“Take the second left, then take a right at the Cannon.”

High School?

“Take the second left, then take a right at the Cannon.”

Emergency Room?

“Take the second left, then take a right at the Cannon.”

It’s kind of a one size fits all answer that stops me from having to think, or communicate lucidly while I’m standing in the middle of the road sweating and on the verge of a heart attack. The Cannon of course adds just the right touch of realism and credibility to my answer. And, they are good directions in that I rarely have to pause for than a moment, and so far nobody’s ever complained. For all I know there might even be a Cannon.

It’s either this, or jog endlessly around my fields after spraying myself with OFF to keep the ticks away (they still jump all over me,) not to mention the snakes. There’s a BB sized kinda cyst thing on the back of my right calf from the time I stepped on a snake (probably a garter,) and it bit me. That time I almost really did have a heart attack.

Damn emoticons.

ow ow ow had no business reading that post whilst taking a drink of carbonated beverage. it’s possible i now need nasal passage reconstruction.

see, it’s people like you who make me hope i’m going to hell too.

(cuz you are going to hell, you know that don’t you?)

:D:D
Hilarious!!! JUST the right touch of dryness, irony. a true work of art…
Thanks

In a tragic twist of fate, the cardiovascularly fit yet hapless Scylla was hit by a car approximately two weeks before the day of the marathon. The accident occurred when the 2001 BMW driven by college student Bunni Fluffi went out of control as the driver tried to avoid a large cannon that had fallen from the back of a U-Haul truck just moments before. The truck was transporting Rudy Merklefink’s Civil War collection to a local auction house.

Police reports from the site of the accident indicate that when Fluffi noticed the cannon in the road, she swerved from left to right twice. After the second left, and quickly approaching the cannon, she turned hard to the right once more, only to strike and break both legs of Scylla, who was apparently standing near the road trying to remove a tick from his sock.

Scylla remains in stable condition at a local hospital, though reports from the nursing staff do indicate that Scylla is occasionally muttering deliriously about shirts and fathers. Ms. Fluffi’s car was totaled, although she remained unhurt.

ahh god, i’m dyin here

youse giis

I haven’t laughed this much since…well, since the last time i laughed this hard…

:smiley:

WOW!
ivy- is that the walking bridge behind you? are you standing on jacobs island?
yikes! i usedta live up the rattlesnake!
now i live outside of bozo.
pleased to meetcha!

…us Montanans gotta stick together! inor, send me an email, please! This is just too crazy :smiley:

We now resume your regularly scheduled (and damned funny, of course) Scylla thread.

o, right, i hijacked.
sorry scylla.
BUT DAMN IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU IVY!

o damn. sorry, sorry about that. i’m sorry.

I SENT YOU MAIL IVY

ah jeez, i’m so sorry. really, i’m sorry.

I HAVE TO GO GET DINNER NOW IVY AND THENCE TO BED, CUZ I WORK EARLY, SO HOPEFULLY I’LL HEAR FROM YOU SOON, UH?

i’m so, so sorry about all this…

HEY IVY HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO BEARMOUMMMMPPH MMMPPPHH

[/HIJACK]

why? because this really oughtta be back up towards the top, that’s why- the op is too good to miss

scylla, last year I saw some sort of advert for a charity type groupe that organizes people to run the MC marathon. You sign up, agree to get some amount of money in pledges (somewhere between the GNP and National Debt) and you do some sort of thing with a running schedule and group runs (likeminded people in you area do a run on a weekend - it has nothing to do with the Beer/Spicy Food Morning After thing). I think the program starts in April. Do you live in/near DC?
[tangent]
I almost did it last year, but when I realized that the marathon was kind of like exercise I decided I didn’t like it. I’m considering doing it this year, just to get me off my fat ass and lose some of this weight. I ran >-CC-> in HS and ran quite a bit in summers, back when i was a teacher, so I ain’t no stranger to running.
[/tangent]

Scylla, dude, you’ve got nothing on me. I’ve been cycling for about five years now. I get run off the road now and then. Like you said, no biggie, just get out of the ditch or peel yourself off the guardrail or whatever. Here’s a list of other fun things I’ve had while riding.

  1. Half full Coke can thrown at my head.

  2. Big, greenish-brown loogie spat on me.

  3. White-trash hicks in a blue pickup yelling at me and chasing me two inches off my rear tire.

  4. “Hey you stupid faggot! Nice faggy shorts you got there. FAG!” (I guess they were reffering to my cycling shorts.)

  5. One time I had a drunk GI (this was when I was in the army) chase me down on his kid’s BMX bike (I had stopped at a light or else the loser never would have caught me) for hitting his dog (that ran directly under my tires). He then accused me of having an affair with his wife. ???

  6. Chased by rabid (at least they looked rabid) dogs.

  7. Idiots jumping in front of me and yelling as I am going fast down a street. (I’ve connected a couple times with an elbow. Neener neener on them, bastards.)
    Good luck on the training. Be good to your legs and feet and watch out for stress fractures.

Well, at least they’re creative.

Scylla, either you can wring high-comedy out of everyday life or you’re just plain demented.

So far the vote is running high for “demented”.

  • Forget OFF; might as well spray yourself w/ Mt. Dew. It’s useless. Try Cutter’s; it works, even when you sweat a lot.

  • Dummy earphones. They might be annoying, but if anyone tries to stop you for directions can just beam idiotically, wave and keep running. If they pull alongside and pace you, just wave more enthusiastically. Besides, most people hate running/joggging/exercising so much they assume wheezing masochists must be plugged into arcane motivational tunes or something anyway.

  • Increase your aerobic workout and stay in theme: run in cammies, complete w/ crossed bandoliers. I’m making this up, but statistically speaking, very few runners who look like raving, badass berserkers get harassed or stopped for directions by passing motorists.

Veb
P.S. You owe me for another keyboard, btw.

See? See?!? SEE?!? This is exactly why I sit my fat, lumpy ass in front of the fucking computer all day!

At least you get a fucking computer. Mine doesn’t even vibrate.
<BahDaBump! Thanks folks, I’ll be here all week>

Next time you run, Scylla first paint yourself up to be a mime - everyone knows mimes can’t answer questions.

yea, I’m sure that would work.

Everybody knows where the Cannon is,
it’s right after the Offertory.

I’ve killed small children for less…That, my friend, is just plain awful.