The Cecil Adams Conspiracy Theory

I know who Cecil really is. He’s the Illuminati.

Think about it. It makes sense.

See, here’s their plan:

Step 1: Create an avatar of infinite wisdom. Someone with a sterling record of always being right.

Step 2: With said wisdom, slowly gain the trust of all of the smartest and most inquisitive minds on the planet.

Step 3: Start feeding them bad information (“Razors can’t cut through vains.” “Arsenic is only lethal if you drink less than a cup of it.” “Scientists and doctors agree, russian roulette is safe and fun, you loser!”)

Step 4: Now that you’ve destroyed all of the best and brightest, the population of the world will be desperately looking for wisdom and guidance.

Step 5: Create a new Cecil Adams/Iron-Fisted Dictator to take over the world in it’s time of need.

It’s that simple.*

(*I’m sure the O.J. Simpson framing had something to do with this too, but as of yet I’m not sure what…)

What an interesting idea. Why not meet us in the old, abandoned sawmill at midnight to discuss it.

Come Alone.

Oh, and Vince, don’t mention your discovery until we can offer you . . . uh . . . “protection.”

My old pappy once told me “Never go alone into an abandoned building with any man who’s carrying condoms.”

I intend to adhere to this advice. 'Course, it’s stuck to me. So it’s not like I have a choice.

Thanks but no thanks. You can’t catch me so long as you don’t know where I am, and I’m in the middle of nowhere, so there’s very little chance of you catching me unawheres.

Damn. Our cover is blown. We have failed in our mission to protect Cecil, the head of the illuminati. Heads will roll.

Hmmm… I never did consider that the Teeming Millions might be in on it…

Now that I think about it… how do I know I’m not in on it?!

Dammit, I’m a member of so many conspiracies I can’t even remember what I’m in on!

Vince, I direct you to THIS thread.

Dammit! I knew I shoulda taken that “Proud Member of the Illuminati” Bumper-Sticker off when I had the chance.

Soylent Green is Teeming Millions!

No, no, NO! Sheesh, it’s a damned pitiful commentary when Jim Jones and Hale Bopp wackos give respectable conspiracies a bad name.

See, you feed them RIGHT information. This is where the hideous subtlety kicks in. Most people will go right on believing asinine things anyway! It’s sheep marking their own fleece for the chutes.

It neatly separates out those who don’t want to end up being called Lamb Chop. (Qualifier: this does not apply to random moments of passion. That’s totally different. Pass the mint jelly.) Who’d ya rather recruit for a workable conspiracy: those who’ve noticed they have opposable thumbs or Lunchables?


TV, don’t try to misinform me, I know the score.

You just made the list, buddy.

Buddy? That’s Illuminati Goddess to you, Lamb Chop.

Illuminati Goddess? Does that mean you’re married to Cecil?

We’re all married to Cecil…Veb just happens to be goddess right now…no worries though, I’ll be offering her “protection” very soon.

(that is not supposed to sound sexual)

This just keeps getting deeper and deeper…

I will protect him with my life vince…
We’re talking about prince right? I get to protect prince…

It’s funny you should mention sheep. I was wondering baaaaah Uh, what was I saying?

[Dean Wormer] Addled on lanolin and mint jelly is no way way to go through life, son. [/Dean Wormer]

Though the Cece would probably have a few sterotyically raunchy comments about that as well.

Yes, there is a Mrs. Adams and no, 'tain’t me. Read the books, people, read the books! Sheesh, he even gives her credit for “research” on some of the more outre sex questions.

Thanks, SINsApple, I’ll gladly accept any protection goin’. Sheesh, offer people a perfectly fine, fun conspiracy that pointedly leaves celibacy right out of the equation and the whole thing still hits the crapper?

Machiavelli wept.


Hmmm…sees the new motto of the SD:

Well, when in Rome…baaaaaaah