The college late-night fire alarm rant.. with a twist.

The BBQ Pit
1

Yeah, blah blah blah, we’ve heard it all before. “Stupid jerks, pulling the fire alarm early in the morning, blah blah bastards blah blah asshats.”

But this… I am a non-violent person who hates to see anything or anyone get even mildly hurt in any way… but this is grounds for Death. Not just regular Death. Flaming Death from above. Death that defies description, except possibly involving sulfuric acid, a spork and an enema bag. Soooo much fucking death.

So here’s the story. The school closed down at noon yesterday because of this goddamn ice storm. So all finals that were supposed to be Wednesday afternoon are rescheduled for bloody Friday morning, so instead of writing my evil Lit essays at 1pm, I get to write them at fucking 8 oclock in the morning. So I’m already pissed off.

So it’s approximately a half an hour past midnight. I’ve already had to deal with the shouts and yelling and laughing and screaming of the people sledding down the hill outside my window on cafeteria trays for about the past hour and a half. So I’m even more pissed off. And then… the fire alarm goes off. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. You see, there are about 4 inches of snow, ice and slush on the ground outside, and more coming down every minute. It’s 12:30 am, in the middle of finals week, and people are sleeping. Fuck. THis is completely fucking ridiculous. Girls are having to leave the building (I’m in an all-women’s dorm) into the goddamn snow and ice and slush wearing flip-flops, shower shoes, shorts, pajamas, etc. This enough is cause for the perpetrators to have their eyeballs chewed out by squirrels. Mentally deficient squirrels who take a really long time and keep missing the eyeball. (I was lucky, I hadn’t gone to bed yet and was still wearing my shoes, I grabbed my coat and scarf, so I was okay.) But that’s not even the fucking worst part…

As there are lines of sleepy, freezing girls streaming out of the doors… snowballs. A group of people, I don’t know who… standing outside the goddamn doors and hurling fucking snowballs at whoever happens to have the luck to step out at the time. Fucking snowballs! These fuckbubbles are hurling big-ass hard frozen snowballs into masses of people whom they don’t even fucking know, at 12:30 in the goddamn morning when it’s still fucking snowing and people are half naked and risking frostbitten toes! ARGH!! As I said, I am a nice person. I don’t like seeing people get hurt. But this… oh my fucking god if I got my hands on any of those shitballs… carnage. Extreme carnage possibly involving a fire extingusher, a spatula, and a three-foot dildo made of ice.

Several of my friends are RAs and so far the story we’ve got is that there was no fire, and no apparent reason for the alarm to go off. The working theory right now is that some fucktard pulled the alarm for the express purpose of ambushing a bunch of sleepy, frozen and insufficiently dressed young women with snowballs. And I thought we were supposed to be mature young adults? Asshats, fucknuggets, and all those other epithets. I wish sooo much death on them. Fuckbubbles.

2

Fuckbubbles? What did the monkey ever do to you?

3

You’ll make this mistake a few more times before you graduate. See, getting into college has nothing to do with maturity. In fact, I think there’s a worthless douchebag quota at most schools.

Ah, the homicidal fantasies I used to harbor about people who pulled the fire alarm for no reason when I lived in the dorms… brings back memories. I don’t know if I would’ve actually kicked the crap out of anyone I caught doing it, but I definitely would’ve been more than glad to see them expelled. Fuckhats.

4

Student you say? Immature pranks you say? Well now I’ve heard it all!

5

It was probally the same football trogs from the library. I have seen this kind of shit happen before, thankfully the asshats were caught. Earlier in the evening they had been shooting paint balls and fruit with a 3 person slingshot out of the dorm window onto cars in the adjacent parking lot.

Sorry but this is a very unreasonable expication…

Of course there could also be another explination, you said it was snowing/ice there, well water and ice have been knowing to short circut many a fire alarm. However I wouldn’t rule out the “Fuckbubbles” :smiley: (That is beautiful)

6

The night before the exam?

I am with you on the Flamey Death.

7

Hee hee hee, the snowballs was a nice touch. My hat is off to the fuckbubbles. :smiley:

8

young women wearing little to nothing out in the cold?
ah the pointy little nipples to be seen.
Of course unlike the dinks that pulled your alarm.
I am a mature adult.

I do not pull such rude nasty stunts.

I just pay good money :slight_smile:

9

I’ve had this dream before. If I recall, it had something to do with my having an abnormally high body temperature and an abnormally large…

Did I say that out loud? My bad.

10

I feel your pain.

Good luck with the death and all.

I hate living in my dorm.

-brianjedi

11

Ugh. I think I at one point read a post on this board about a group of failing idiots pulling all the fire alarms in the dorms in the wee hours during finals week, on the odd hope that getting a bad night’s sleep would cause the collective finals grade to drop and their failure wouldn’t be noticed as badly.

Failures. :stuck_out_tongue:

Sorry about the asshats. I know people my age who still think OMG I PULLED TEH FIRE ALARM LOLOLOLOLOL THAT’S FUNNEY!!! and it’s just plain unsettling.

Can’t wait to move out of the dorms.

12

OK, serious question. I’m not saying it’s right or anything, but why didn’t someone kick these people’s asses?

13

Ah. After a late-nite fire drill, I had a chat with some friends. I thought it was funny enough to transcribe.

Robert, Zach, and John are eating lunch together.

Zach: If I ever see someone pulling a fire alarm, I’m going to hit them.

Robert: If I ever see someone pulling a fire alarm, I’m going to drag them to a seculed location, where I will burn them. Slowly. Starting with the feet, so it lasts longer. And I’ll have a fire alarm blaring in their ears. And I’ll stick needles in their eyes and plug their nostrils, so they are forced to focus on the sound and feel.

-John looks ill.

Zach: Aren’t you going to rip out their tongue?

Robert: Nah. That way they can taste their blood as they gnaw themselves in excruciating agony.

-John takes Robert’s knife unobtrusivley.

14

You people are evil, and I love you.

That said, I will admit to having considered rigging a line to a branch above a friend’s hot tub so that in appropriate conditions, say a few inches of snow piled on said branch, I could give the line a tug and dump snow on him. :smiley: Then again, he can outrun me.

CJ

15

Y’know, there’s something about pulling a fire alarm and then ambushing people with proectiles that seems rather… Jonesboro-esque.

I would be incredibly inclined to violence at a moment like that.

16

Yep, we have fire alarm issues where I go too. And my dorm has particularly sensitive smoke detectors, so the alarms go off very frequently (last year was worse, they’d go off every other day). Burning popcorn has become a crime punishable by death. But if anyone dared throw a snowball at me in my half-asleep, freezing state, I’d probably do something really drastic and evil. At least next semester I’ll live on the ground floor and not the 4th, so I won’t have to deal with stairs when I’m already groggy.

17

By the bye, CJ, I really didn’t need to picture you and a certain someone running naked through the woods in the snow. But thanks for the laugh anyway…

18

Did you report John for pulling the fire alarm?

19

Hell, if you live on the ground floor, you can just IGNORE the fire alarm. Keep a pair of headphones handy, and if anyone checks in your room to see if you’ve evacuated during the drill, you pretend you were dozing while listening to music.

20

How about Flaming Asteroid Doom?