The Dope Before Christmas

I actually wrote this a couple of months ago and was going to wait ‘til December 1st to post it, after the US Thanksgiving was over and done with, but yesterday we watched the Santa Claus Parade, and today the mall is all decked out and lit up and ol’ St. Nick himself has been installed in his rightful place in the wee village, ready to accept kiddies to knee (or couch, anyway; they don’t do the knee anymore) so I got to feeling all yuletidey and decided to post it now.

The Dope Before Christmas

'Twas the Dope before Christmas, and all through the board
Many creatures were stirring, but mostly the Fnord
Debate was wedged hard 'twixt the facts and fanatics
And talks were reduced to nitpicks and semantics

Though each side felt they were the ones in the right
The whole truth eluded them night after night
Some posters joined one or the other camp’s side
While others just straddled the issue’s divide

First this way, then that way, the argument moved
And posters laid groundwork for facts to be proved
While others revealed that their schtick was a farce
And still more would admit that their sources were sparse

The post count still climbed, but all progress had halted
And both camps contended the other had faulted
Denials, assertions, and articles flew
And during it all, animosity grew

At first it was civil, with nobler aims
But pleasant discourse became nebulous claims
Then came accusations of outrageous lies
And that’s when the fallacies started to fly

Ad hominem! Ad feminem! Reductio ad Hitlerem!
Ad logicam! Ad baculum! Argumentum ad populum!
In bolded, italicized, underlined scrawl
Those petulant missives would be the thread’s fall

But just as the factions steadfastly adhered
And as the thread’s nadir conspicuously neared
The faintest impression of something drew nigh;
The sense that the order of things was awry

Then came, rather startling, on each Doper’s roof
A dull, thudding clatter, like an animal’s hoof
Still more thundered down with a boisterous noise
Disturbing the peace, the shingles, the toys

The silence returned for a minute or two
Then straight down the chimney a hefty man flew
His red and white garb was covered in soot
His landing stuck badly; he cradled his foot

He brushed off his jacket and straightened his hat
And with a small cough, said, “I meant to do that.”
It was hard to believe he was standing there now
St. Nicholas himself, the clumsy old cow

But quick as a flash, his expression turned grave
He brandished a finger and shouted, “Behave!”
“You bicker and fight and your argument’s weak!
Not one of you knows whereof you all speak.”

“But fortune is with you, I have just the thing!
It will guide you and teach you and let the truth ring.”
He reached down to open his ponderous sack
And hauled out a tome – nearly put out his back

“Now, all that you need can be found here in print,
Every peer-reviewed piece, every fact, every hint.”
Enormous in stature, it bore just one mark:
An inlaid gold bang that stood out in the dark

With a wink and a nod and a thumb to his nose,
He returned to the chimney, and up it Nick rose
But before he took off, he exclaimed to the night

"Happy Christmas to all
And to all, a good cite!"

Bravo, Mindfield. Bravo!

Your Doper name is apt and well-earned. I have nothing to add, but logged on for the sole purpose of applauding you and telling you how much I admire your work. Now get your butt back to work, you slacker!

Merry Christmas far in advance.


(Applauding madly.)

Visions of sugar plums for you, my good sir. Well done! smooch

Nicely done!

I’m printing that out and taping it to my closet, m’kay?

Thank you, thank you. :slight_smile: I know it’s entirely too early to be posting it, but … well, what the hell. A pre-emptive nod to the holiday season. Besides, in Canada our Christmas season properly starts around the beginning of November, following Halloween, so to me it isn’t early.

Wow - you’re all poetical!! Who’d’a thunk it?!?
Good job!

: bows in homage to greatness :

It’s never too early, my tree has been up for 5 years now.

Very cool job, Mork! And a pretty tree, to boot.



Thanks again. :smiley:

Dog Butler - My window lights have been up for three years, does that count? I can’t reach them otherwise, y’see. They were strung up in the main window before I assembled a bit desk that covers half of it, so I can no longer get to half of the lights to take them down. We can’t put up a tree because I have to put tinsel on the tree and we have cats. Plus we don’t really have the room anyway, so I usually set up some kind of miniature display.

abso-freakin-lutely a-freakin-mazin!

Mindfield, AKA, MinDude, freakin’ awesome!

This has had me in giggle fits for fifteen minutes.

Again… Just. Freakin’. Awesome.

We are not worthy!

Thank you. I’m all ablush here. :smiley:

Swampy - I have to admit, I really shoehorned those first two lines in there. The meter stinks. Latin just doesn’t fit well. But I liked it too much to scrap it and try something else. :slight_smile:

Close enough

Just a wee time-appropriate bump to wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Buon Natale, Joyeux Noël, Frohe Weihnachten, Vrolijke Kerstmis, 즐거운 성탄, 圣诞快乐, happy holidays, etc. I’ll be in and out and doing stuff around the house in preparation for Ye Big Ole Feast and flurry of Christmas wrapping paper that will ensue tomorrow, so I wanted to bump now in case I forget or don’t get a chance to later.

Feliĉan Kristnaskfeston!
Merry Yule! :slight_smile:

That was amazing, Mindfield. :: applauds ::