I actually wrote this a couple of months ago and was going to wait ‘til December 1st to post it, after the US Thanksgiving was over and done with, but yesterday we watched the Santa Claus Parade, and today the mall is all decked out and lit up and ol’ St. Nick himself has been installed in his rightful place in the wee village, ready to accept kiddies to knee (or couch, anyway; they don’t do the knee anymore) so I got to feeling all yuletidey and decided to post it now.
The Dope Before Christmas
'Twas the Dope before Christmas, and all through the board
Many creatures were stirring, but mostly the Fnord
Debate was wedged hard 'twixt the facts and fanatics
And talks were reduced to nitpicks and semantics
Though each side felt they were the ones in the right
The whole truth eluded them night after night
Some posters joined one or the other camp’s side
While others just straddled the issue’s divide
First this way, then that way, the argument moved
And posters laid groundwork for facts to be proved
While others revealed that their schtick was a farce
And still more would admit that their sources were sparse
The post count still climbed, but all progress had halted
And both camps contended the other had faulted
Denials, assertions, and articles flew
And during it all, animosity grew
At first it was civil, with nobler aims
But pleasant discourse became nebulous claims
Then came accusations of outrageous lies
And that’s when the fallacies started to fly
Ad hominem! Ad feminem! Reductio ad Hitlerem!
Ad logicam! Ad baculum! Argumentum ad populum!
In bolded, italicized, underlined scrawl
Those petulant missives would be the thread’s fall
But just as the factions steadfastly adhered
And as the thread’s nadir conspicuously neared
The faintest impression of something drew nigh;
The sense that the order of things was awry
Then came, rather startling, on each Doper’s roof
A dull, thudding clatter, like an animal’s hoof
Still more thundered down with a boisterous noise
Disturbing the peace, the shingles, the toys
The silence returned for a minute or two
Then straight down the chimney a hefty man flew
His red and white garb was covered in soot
His landing stuck badly; he cradled his foot
He brushed off his jacket and straightened his hat
And with a small cough, said, “I meant to do that.”
It was hard to believe he was standing there now
St. Nicholas himself, the clumsy old cow
But quick as a flash, his expression turned grave
He brandished a finger and shouted, “Behave!”
“You bicker and fight and your argument’s weak!
Not one of you knows whereof you all speak.”
“But fortune is with you, I have just the thing!
It will guide you and teach you and let the truth ring.”
He reached down to open his ponderous sack
And hauled out a tome – nearly put out his back
“Now, all that you need can be found here in print,
Every peer-reviewed piece, every fact, every hint.”
Enormous in stature, it bore just one mark:
An inlaid gold bang that stood out in the dark
With a wink and a nod and a thumb to his nose,
He returned to the chimney, and up it Nick rose
But before he took off, he exclaimed to the night
[sub]
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[/sub]
"Happy Christmas to all
And to all, a good cite!"
I know it’s entirely too early to be posting it, but … well, what the hell. A pre-emptive nod to the holiday season. Besides, in Canada our Christmas season properly starts around the beginning of November, following Halloween, so to me it isn’t early.