The first rule of Book Club is … you do not talk about Book Club. The second rule of Book Club is … you do not –
Ok, getting carried away already. The first rule, and quite possibly the only rule, of Book Club is Read the Book.
Non-book reader (henceforth to be known as NBR) and I have been in the same book club for three years. NBR has never read the book. What, pray tell, does she think the rest of us are doing? We are an unmotivated bunch, we select short books on purpose, and we meet every other month. Yet ever meeting, NBR shows up and declares proudly that she didn’t have time to read the book. It’s sort of the same proud look my cat gets when he barfs on the carpet.
But does this stop NBR from talking about the book? Heck no! NBR interrupts other people to add her own special insights on the book. The book she hasn’t read. After being met with blank stares, she puts on a mournful, hurt voice, and says something along the lines of “Well gee, I thought everyone was allowed to participate. I guess not. I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut then.” If only, NBR. If only. Then NBR crams half a muffin in her mouth and sulks for a while. The muffin has nothing to do with book club, but I wanted to mention it. The crumbs that gently spew out from her mouth as she does this are distracting to the rest of us, but still better than the moronic things she says.
So I’m making a special reading list for NBR, tailored for her special non-reading needs.
The Sound and the Fury of Your Fellow Book Club Members In which countless people surround NBR and chant “Just quit book club I can hear the watch ticking ticking quit watch quit book club!” until NBR is mentally broken and weeping.
The Books of Wrath In which NBR is forced to work for the wages of a migrant farm worker until she reads one book, any book. All muffins must be bought from the company store. Discuss.
The Book Club New Hampshire In which an escaped circus bear attacks the book club, thankfully everyone except NBR has read the book, so they know what to do. Sorrow floats, NBR.
Pride and Extreme Prejudice In which the book club corners NBR in the drawing room at Netherfield, and tortures her with a tea cosy, a letter opener, and two stale crumpets.
For Whom the Book Tolls In which NBR is repeatedly beat about the head and neck with unread volumes of Hemingway, until her ears ring. It tolls for thee, you ignorant slut.
Whew, I feel better.