Dear Diary,
It has been two weeks now and I fear things have taken a turn for the worse. Crew change just happened once again out here on the Carolyn Chouest, and Joe has gotten at least two more people hooked on drinking apple cider vinegar, as some sort of cure-all. I even heard some guy went off of his blood pressure medication because the vinegar has cured him! People claim to be losing weight, sleeping better, feeling healthier, and who knows what else. They are imbibing the vinegar by the bottle. He must have brought at least 20 gallons of the stuff out here with him, and is pushing it on everyone.
I used to think that the pungent, odoriferous scent of apple cider vinegar was once oddly pleasant. No longer! It now surrounds me like a miasmatic plague. Everyone around me is drinking it daily, and I can smell it everywhere. I thought I was going insane at first, smelling some terrible body odor that no one else was seeming to complain about. Was it me? How could it be!? …And then I realized it was the vinegar.
I fear my only reprieve of the smell will be in 2 weeks when I get back onshore and head to Houston, whereupon I will promptly throw out my entire supply of apple cider vinegar. Even typing the words brings a nauseating, churning feeling to my stomach and my throat. It’s worse than when the smell of our raw sewage wafts up out of the drains when the wind catches the ship’s exterior vents and fills every room and hallway with the smell of shit and piss. I actually welcome those moments now, instead of loathe them, for at least for a few moments I’m smelling something else other than apple cider vinegar induced body odor.
In case I don’t make it out of here alive, overcome with these hideous acidic odors omnipresently surrounding me, I hope someone else finds this entry and learns of my unfortunate fate. Please, for the sake of your loved ones, your friends, your families, and even your enemies, PLEASE, do not drink apple cider vinegar. It won’t cure all your ills. Unless of course your ills involve keeping people away who have a sense of smell.
I fear for the future of our country, nay, the world, should this plague ever reach the mainland…