I woke up Saturday morning feeling a little off. Didn’t eat much breakfast, felt lethargic and dull. Later in the morning I developed an annoying headache that Tylenol did not help.
About 2 p.m. I retired to the bathroom and unloaded a turd that can only be described as Brobdingnagian. It was perfectly straight, about 10 inches long and 2 inches in diameter, and of a medium density (a floater, but by no means loose). After I wiped, I peered into the bowl and this ‘Triton among the minnows’ lay in resplendent glory among the toilet paper.
I felt immediately refreshed, and my headache vanished. Serene, yet energized, I set to work on many long-postponed household projects, waxed my car, cleaned out the garage, weeded a flowerbed, and read most of the “Edward-Extract” volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica. I experienced a state of such profound mental well-being it could become addictive, were such events under voluntary control.
This wave of euphoria carried through the night and well into Sunday morning. The only odd effect was some bizarre dreams I had Saturday night. First, I dreamed that my wife was cheating on me with Kenny Loggins. How did I know it was Kenny Loggins? Well, I found a small pencil portrait of him among my wife’s papers. Later, I dreamed that one of my old high-school classmates was squatting over the ground, trying to light a fart. As I stared at him, he transformed into my cat Jooky, and when the fart ignited, it made a green flame that caught Jooky’s fur on fire briefly.
What a ride!