The Jack Chick of Death: The Comic Book Tract

Kudos to Coldfire for the idea!

Death’s Deiety:

The scene: Elvisina, an older woman is crying. She’s in a hospital room, and her husband Big “Tex” is NOT crying. His upper lip is trembling, his eyes are watering, but he’s not crying. Grandpappy Alvin is in a hospital bed, a whithered, frail, old man. Dozens of tubes are stuck into him in every orifice. He’s hooked up to monitors, etc.

*Panel 1
Grandpappy Alvin reaches up weakly to grasp Elvisina’s hand. *

Grandpappy Alvin: Please…shut off the machines and just let me go!
Elvisina: Ah cain’t! It’d be MURDER!
Big “Tex”: We’d go tuh H.E.Double Hockey Sticks if’n we did!

Panel 2
Into the room bursts a man: He’s wearing Camo fatigues and a surgeon’s mask covers the bottom half of his face. Big “Tex” steps in front of Elvisina and Grandpappy to shield them from this stranger.

Masked Man: I am the Euthanasia Commando! I sense I am needed here! Look at this man! He is withering away! And the Supreme Court of the United States–our–our best Supreme Court, has validated the Nazi method of execution in se–in concentration camps, starving them to death. And–and…When a–when you say a person should be allowed to die, inject them quickly and painlessly, not let them wither away and starve to death. That is inconceivable. It’s unspeakable. But our Supreme Court has said, ‘That is nice. It’s ethical.’[sup]1[/sup]

Grandpappy: He’s right you know!

Panel 3: Big “Tex” leans forward, belligerently.

Big “Tex”: Jesus said “Don’t kill folks.” Ain’t you religous?

Euthanasia Commando: Well–oh, no, religion is an internal spiritual world, and I have my own, with my god, Johann Sebastian Bach. I mean, why not? Every–you invent gods; that’s my god. At least he’s not invented. [sup]1[/sup]

Panel 4: Big “Tex” is poking his finger at the Euthanasia Commando angrily. The E.C. is grinning slyly.

Big “Tex”: But whut about Jesus?

Euthansia Commando: Christ – was that a dignified death? Do you think it’s dignified to hang from wood with nails through your hands and feet? … Had Christ died in my van – with people around him who loved him – it would be far more dignified."[sup]2[/sup]
Besides, Christ died for your sins, right?

Big “Tex”: Right! Hallelujah!

Euthansia Commando: So he chose to die?

*Panel 5: Big “Tex” is smiling. His thumbs are tucked inside his belt, as he rocks back on his heels, happy to be discussing religon. *

Big “Tex”: He gave his life for us!

Euthansia Commando: So he committed suicide for us?

Panel 6: Big “Tex” is astonished. Extreme close up of his whiskery, jowley face, mouth hanging open in astonishment

Panel 7: E.C. is on the offensive, leaning over Big “Tex”, who’s staggered back into a chair. Elvisina has her hands over her mouth in an “Oh My!” gesture. Grandpappy is thrilled.

Euthanasia Commando: Jesus committed suicide for us. Shouldn’t we emulate Jesus?

Big “Tex”: Yeah…but…

*Panel 8: Big “Tex” holds up his hand in the classic policeman “Stop” position. *

Big “Tex”: …But Jesus didn’t need help. I suppose suicide’s ok, but not helping someone do it!

Euthanasia Commando: Really? Who nailed him up there? He didn’t do it himself did he? SOMEone helped him! Besides: the only reason that assisted suicides are against your religion is that ‘The ancient Christians in Rome, they were all healthy. They weren’t suffering physical disease. I think they were suffering mental disease but not physical.’[sup]3[/sup]

*Panel 9: Extreme closeup of the Euthanasia Commando’s face. *

Euthansaia Commando: Do you KNOW why you are not able to get euthansia? The Catholics! The Pope. The founding fathers: 'they were deists Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Franklin, Washington they were deists. They said, We believe in God God sets thing in motion and then hands off let human run it. And that’s the way they set this country up the way it was. Hands off? The Pope has got his hands on their neck! He’s wringing it.

Now, I’m not anti Pope, basically. He can do whatever he wants and say whatever he wants. But I think he has a grip on our government. Grip!? He owns it. I know he’s got a grip on our Supreme Court. Therefore I don’t care what any Supreme Court says. I don’t care what any legislature does. Pass any law you want, I don’t care, because I we pass a law, and look at me, you’re going to have me in jail in a little while. See?[sup]3[/sup]

Panel 10: Big “Tex” unholster’s his gun and points it at Grandpappy’s head. Grandpappy is smiling broadly. Elvisina is happy and there’s a happy, yet serious look on Big Tex’s face.

Big “Tex”: I’ll be damned if I let those Papists in the White House tell me not tuh foller Jesus’s way.
Grandpappy: Do it, son!
Elvisina: Oh! I’m so HAPPY! Thank you Euthanasia Commando!
Euthanasia Commando: My work here is done!

Panel 11: Completly black panel, except for the word, written in white type

The End



Ever since Kennedy came to the White House, the Pope has been running this country behind the scenes. I know; I received a packet of information when I went through Confirmation back in high school.

Ha! Foolish humans! Little do they know …

One question: If Euthanasia Commando is wearing a surgical mask, how do we know he is “grinning slyly?” <putting away jewellers loup, tweezers, and exacto knife> Now that I’ve split that particular hair, let me commend you on another fine piece of psychotic leftist propaganda. I eagerly await the next!


I thought it was Libertarian! :eek: You mean I’ve been posting LEFTIST stuff?! :eek:

::runs frantically to the bathroom to wash typing fingers.::


By the way, you know he’s grinning slyly by the set of his cheeks, the twinkle in his eyes and his eyebrows. [sub]phillistine[/sub] :smiley:

PS: Any mod reading this: Could you change the title from “Death” to “Euthanasia”? I screwed up. Thanks!

:: applause ::

:: showering Fenris in rose petals ::

You just simply rock.

Another amazing piece of work, Fenris. Is there a thread somewhere that brought this one on?

Nope, other than Coldfire requesting it in one of the earlier Tract threads. Once I started researching Kevorkian, I realized that regardless of your stance on euthanasia, Kevorkian is a Kook and there was fun to be had.

Arden: Thanks!