Well I’m trying. I still have a lot of anxiety but I’m holding on. Now I have to start working on procrastination and tensing up at work. I think I can do it, which has to be the first step, doesn’t it?
The only thing I’m still struggling with is missing my family. No book, no method, nothing I’ve found will change that or help me with it. And I fear that things are so expensive here it will be hard for them to move. I have some big decisions to make soon, and that’s going to be hard. But when I have to make them, I’ll have help. I know I’ll have help here as well as with my family. You have all brought me through some really tough times and I thank you all for it!
It’s hard work, isn’t it? But all you can do is keep trying. Someday, hopefully soon, you will wake up and discover that trying is less hard than it used to be. And some days it will continue to suck big time,
I used to be hopeful that my depression would evaporate. It hasn’t. But sometimes I am able to keep it in a little closet in my mind and keep the door shut. I am grateful that my work on it has taken me that far.
One of the things I’ve really struggled with is anhedonia…i.e., nothing being that enjoyable anymore. I used to play a lot of video games but I’ve all but stopped. But in the last few days I’ve found myself playing Torchlight 2 again, so there is a corner being turned there too. And I’m listening to a lot of music again (Arcade Fire on right now) so I’m moving correctly in that direction too.
Anhedonia seems to be the worst thing when it comes to being fought by CBT. Your fears and anxiety can be overcome I think, but not lack of positivity if that makes sense. You are trying to force yourself to like something you don’t feel like liking. So my life is far from perfect as I’ve still got work and not-work. I did drive down to Key West this weekend, a mistake as I did have a bit of panic attack while driving, but at least I got out and did something. This weekend I’m finally going to hit up the flea market in Fort Lauderdale I’ve been meaning to go to, and will probably see the British stores there too.
My wife and I finally breached the subject of “what am I going to do once my contract is up”. She even suggested moving back to where she lives, which she has never done. I think things are going well for her at her job and she realizes that maybe she doesn’t want to leave…it would mean not looking for a new job and a new place and a new school for our daughter. The problem is finding me a job there, in an area which doesn’t have a great job market for my kind of work. But we are determined to make it, which is the important thing.
Was sad at work today. I do miss my wife and kids so much, and when a co-worker was talking about his own family I nearly teared up. But I hung on. I’ve been doing a lot of hanging on lately. I eventually solved it by booking my flight back for Thanksgiving. Then I had a good cry. But it’s out of me now.
This is becoming dangerously close to a journaling thread. I think I’ll stop now, but now without thanking you all. You got me through some hard times, long enough that I was able to find something that started to work. You were here when I needed you, and I thank you for that.
I’ll slink back now into my sort-of-lurking state.
It’s been good to hear from you. I’m glad things are improving. We like to hear from here but you can also join the MMP thread. We all trade daily notes on life there.
I was OK to today I think. Then all the plans I had for the day just kind of fell apart because I was sobbing most of the day. I mean, what am I doing here? I don’t like this town. I don’t like where I live. I don’t like my job that much. I don’t have any friends. What did I leave behind? My wife, my kids, my cats, my house, everything I loved. All because some asshole had to sign up to be my next boss. To be truthful about it, I am just still so angry about it I can barely talk about it. I want to go to home so badly and I can’t, I can’t afford it and my wife doesn’t want me to give up.
The only good thing about what’s happening is that I’m too depressed to go out and spend money. We are almost free of debts now as a result, and I will start saving even more money than we are, which is great. But I’m certainly not enjoying the money I have, since all I’m doing is putting it against our CC debts and paying the ridiculous rent I have here. So I just fell into tears today about it all, because I can’t live like this much longer.
Just wanted you all to know things are a little better. I went to a gaming group tonight and met some people. I’m going back next week. There may even be a gaming group of people made up of my (large) company, so I will ask to be part of that. So that is definitely a step in the right direction.
Work was awful yesterday, much better today, so that’s a step in the right direction too. Still miss my wife terribly today. We’re going to talk soon, and that’s a relief.
My day was awful today but it was everything outside of work that went wrong. Tomorrow will be different and probably better. I’m looking forward to putting this one in the books.
Look forward to talking to your wife and to the gaming events. That’s the stuff that keeps us all going.
So last night I got this fear. (I have other fears but this one was terrible.) I thought I had messed up a key piece of work that was going to be used tomorrow in an important meeting with the Big Boss. I could not sleep the rest of the night, I finally slept only to wake up with a massive migraine, I ended up taking an elephant tranquilizer (so to speak) to ease the migraine and get back to sleep. Spoke to my wife when I got back up, told her I wanted to move back, I’d had enough, I really hated this job and this city and everything else. She told me again no, stick it out, you have five months on your contract, you can fix this problem before it’s too late.
Went into fix the problem at work. There was no problem. I had made it up in my head.
I’ve really, really started worrying about my mental state. If I can make up problems that cause me to do things like that, then I am really in a world of hurt. I am on massive amounts of medication that are supposed to make me not do the things I am doing, like bursting into tears randomly, or keeping myself awake all night. I’m not sure what my next move is, or what it should be. I can’t leave and I can’t stay.
Damn, Cognoscant. I wish there was something I could say or do to relieve you of some of the pressure you place yourself under. Please try to do something to change up your routine. Go for a walk, something.
You sound relatively young. I’m not (relatively). One of the things I’ve learned is that it may not necessarily be the case that the mind is always on the side of our well-being and our health (mental and otherwise). Do something to disrupt the fear spiral you are in. Go to a movie, develop a hobby, pursue an interest. Do it with some tenacity. Something important might be riding on your so doing. Please take some good care of yourself. People here care about you. I am one.
Arg. Sorry I’ve missed a few check ins. Had pneumonia. I hope the med adjustments help.
Does your wife know how bad this is? Is she trying to provide moral support by encouraging you to stick it out? How did you feel when you thought the decision was made? Relief? Free? Trying to sound out whether you ought to push back, I guess.
I’m not young, I’m in my 40’s…things have gotten worse recently though. Call this my psychological midlife crisis. My wife has heard me weeping on the phone. This hurts her too, and I don’t want to hurt her any more. I feel that without more help things will go further off the rails.
Today my boss trashed a major project of mine. Just totally blew it out of the water. I kept my cool and said I could fix it. I think he thinks I can. I have already in fact, but I had to postpone my major presentation on it (I’m not even sure I can do it, it is our moving day at work). That made me very sad. I can do it again in three weeks but…I was looking at major kudos and he torpedoed it. Then another project I was working on for someone else failed, and I got even sadder. The tears did not flow this time, the wellbutrin held.
Oh and there was one other thing I wanted to say. The suggestion for a walk did help. I need to find ways to flip my script, as my old friend used to say (what happened to him?) I know that I need to keep trying new things. The gaming group is tomorrow night–I will be there again, learning a new game and hopefully meeting new people. It’s only a start, but it’s a good start.
You have all been so wonderful to me. Thank you. I don’t say it enough.
The heck with your boss. Yeah, that sucks. On the other hand, his approval should not be your only focus. When you make it so, his rejection can hurt all the more. So you bite the bullet, go back and fix it his way, and then focus on something else. Hopefully something better. Like the gaming session you are going to attend or a book you really want to see (video you can download?), good music, or sit down and write about something you did that you really enjoyed as a child, something others (family members?) might want to hear about.
Today is officially in the past. And that’s a step forward. Go outside and take a few more steps. Appreciate the sound of the wind in the trees or kids in parks. You can shape some of your life, if not all of it.
Keep pushing on flipping then. walking if that helps. The gaming. Would volunteering or something to get out of the house work? Sounds a little nuts when you feel stretched so thin, but is there anything that would fit? Gaming at the Boys and Girls Club? Something to break the mold a bit…
